YuGiOh! Fanfiction for Dummies
by The Helldragon
Summary: Clueless on how to write fanfiction or you're a bad author? This fanfiction will show what NOT to do when writing one. TWO NEW CHAPTERS TO MAKE UP FOR LAZINESS! HUZZAH!
1. Liquid Introgen

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to instruct, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

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YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!

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BY Helldragon4000

CHAPTER ONE: Liquid Intro-gen  
_The wise author writes an introductory scene in order to open the story in an elegant way, not just to add a whole bunch of senseless shit._

The evil genius sat in his standard ominous throne room. All was going as accordingly as planned. His group of evil servants, just like the famous Rare Hunters, but better because they were still here, awaited his commands. Right now, most of them were out searching for the secret Blue Eyes White Dragons. Apparently, some fool fucked up at Industrial Illusions and printed seven more copies of the card, as well as seventy two Toon Worlds, and shipped these cards into booster packs. This was a good thing, however-the evil genius had planned this all along. Using the power of his Millenium Amulet, he took over the company. One look and Maximillion Pegasus practically gave the deed to him. It was like fate had planned it...

A sharp voice interrupted the evil genius' thoughts. "Master..."

"What is it, Snivelly? You know that thanks to my Millenium Amulet, I possess the powers of all seven Millenium Items in one handy package. You know that I can read your mind and can see you coming even before you woke up this morning. You know that I know what you know. But, just for plot structure, tell me what is it you want to say."

The servant stepped foward, hunching over due to the massive hump on his back. "Master, we've found seven more Millenium Items hidden in a vault in Egypt. As you predicted. We've sent them to toy stores everywhere in the world."

"Excellent." The evil genius stood, cloaked in a flowing black robe similar to that of the Rare Hunters. "As the youngsters who buy those Items use them, their power will grow, only to have my Rarity Seekers located them and take them for me. What else?"

"We've also located a whole new set of Egyptian God cards. However, Ishizu Ishtar found them before we could get them. She's asked Seto Kaiba to throw another tournament and gave him the card known as Dragon Left."

The evil genius arched an eyebrow. "Are you sure that's an Egyptian God card?"

"That's what this newspaper article says." Snivelly produced a crumpled piece of paper. "Just found-three extremely powerful, devestating, almost indestructible Duel Monster cards. They are like the Egyptian God cards only better because they're still here. If anyone wants them, please come to the Battle City 2 tournament sponsored by Kaiba Corporation and the folks who make Ovaltine." Snivelly placed the article back inside of his robe.

"So, Ishizu," the evil genius drawled, "my twice-removed stepmother, you are trying to stop me from taking what I desire. The power of the pharoah will be mine, despite your feeble efforts. And once I have the power of the pharoah, and the fourteen Millenium Items, I'll be able to revive my brother from the clutches of death itself!" The evil genius sat once more on his dark throne. "Shadi truly believed that I would use my Amulet for good. He actually bought my lie. Little did he realize that I always do the opposite of what I promise!" Here the evil genius pointed to a brutish henchman of his, who had instantly appeared out of nowhere. "Now, retrieve Yugi Moto for me, and I promise that I will not kill him endlessly!"

"Who?" asked the henchman, being dense as he was.

The evil genius pointed to another henchman, one who wore glasses and thus was really smart. "Fantasitc Four-Eyes, find Yugi Moto and bring him to me!"

Four-Eyes grinned evilly, fondling his heavy encyclopedia. "I will not cease in my endeavors to capture the adolescent child titled as Yugi Moto, my lordship!" Smiling, the evil genius turned away, ignoring Four-Eyes as he picked one of his many pimples.

"Now nothing will stop me!" the evil genius declared. "As nothing will stop me from destroying the Jews, Gypsies, Russian-Slavs, and telemarketers in World War Two! For I am...!"

Here a cresendo of notes played (out of nowhere) as the evil genius threw back his hood.

"ADOLF HITLER!"

At once, the servants cried "Heil Hitler!"

* * *

Note: This chapter is copyright Nazi Incorporated 2003.

Now, what was wrong in this chapter?

A. The evil genius had too much power.  
B. There were a whole new set of Egyptian God cards, Blue Eyes White Dragons, and Toon Worlds.  
C. Roger de Bris was not present.

If you guessed C, you're correct! The entire scene would have been much better if Gary Beach of _The Producers_ played the role of Adolf Hitler.

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we examine Chapter Two: Bad Plots of Land. 


	2. Bad Plots of Land

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to instruct, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

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YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES

**

By Helldragon4000

CHAPTER TWO: Bad Plots of Land  
_The wise author realizes that a poorly constructed plot, usually focused around unnecessary or illogical situations, is only suitable for a TV movie._

Yugi was walking to school one day with his friends Joey, Tristan, and Tea. The other three were busy chatting happily about the now past summer vacation, but Yugi was worried. He did that a lot. It was natural to be worried a lot-Yugi's grandpa even told the boy so, and he was really old, and thus knew a lot. Yugi worried about too much in his life. This he knew already. First off, he was a teenager, so that was a novel in itself. Secondly, he had an ingrown toenail, which he was reminded about every passing moment as he stepped on the toe. Of course, one had to step on this toe if one was to walk, so Yugi had to bear the pain. His friends had symphatized with him and Joey had offered to pick the toenail loose with a fork, but Yugi declined. No matter how much he was friends with Joey, he would never let the boy get near his foot with a fork in hand. No, Yugi was far more intellegent than the others had preceived him to be. Why, when he was eight-

A sharp sound, and Tristan had cleared his throat. Yugi shook his head rapidly to clear his head. He turned a violet eye to the sky, to the steady sheets of snow it was beginning to produce. He shouldn't worry so much. After all, he had the spirit of the Millenium Puzzle to help him through trouble, as well as his faithful friends.

Tea was also looking into the sky, her arms wrapped tightly around her school uniform. "Ugh! How did it get this cold?"

Joey shrugged. "Da weather's a bitch."

"Like you," Tristan concluded. And so, he and Joey immediately grappled as they always did. Yugi and Tea sighed in exasperation as the two long-time friends wrestled and spouted colorful insults at each other. The enitre group was about to turn a corner when, out of the blue, they met Bakura.

"Bakura!" Yugi exclaimed. "What's the matter?"

The white-haired boy was panting in exhaustion, but he also appeared excited. "I found some fireworks! Come see!"

"Fireworks! Cool!" shouted Joey. Immediately, the foursome followed their friend down the street, only to turn into a dark alleyway. At the end of this alleyway was a gigantic heap of fireworks of all different shapes and sizes, of different lineages and whatnot.

"Where did you find all of these fireworks?" Tristan asked.

Bakura beamed. "I found them in a trashcan! Neat, huh?"

"Does anyone 'ave some matches?" Joey asked the group as a whole.

"Here," said Tea, handing the blond-haired youth a matchbox. And so, the group began their fun. Yugi was quickly searching through the pile for bottle rockets, for those were his favorite, since one could light twelve at a time with one spark. Joey had discovered some smokebombs, and was now lobbing some at Tristan, who retaliated with silver disks that shot in the air when lit. Bakura was busy playing with some sparklers, and the five quickly forgot the fact that they had to go to school. But after a while, they remembered their purpose, and after stashing the entire supply of firecrackers into Bakura's backpack, were on the road again.

"It's a good thing no one saw us," mentioned Tristan.

"Or heard us!" said Tea.

Suddenly, out of that infamous thin air, a person garbed in black robes stood in the path of the five. He was not very eager to move out of the way. Or at all, since when Joey waved his hand and smacked the man upside his head, the person did not respond.

"Who da hell's this?" Joey snorted.

"Well," Bakura said, gripping his chin with his hand, "judging by his ominous nature and expansive black robe...I have no clue."

"I wonder what he's thinking," mumbled Yugi, looking up into the man's obsidian hood.

"I'm thinking that I must duel you, Yugi Moto!" the man responded.

"AUGH!" Tristan yelled.

Suddenly, the man threw back his hood, revealing a face wrapped in thick glasses and clustered with many pimples. Yugi was instantly shocked that a typical nerd would desire to duel him. "I am called Fantastic Four-Eyes," the man intoned, "and I challenge you to a duel, Yugi Moto!"

"NO! WAIT!" The entire gathering turned to look down the street as Matt Willard ran toward them. "I'll duel you, Four Eyes! The fates have decreed it so!"

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Now, what was wrong in this chapter?

A. The group followed Bakura even though they had to go to school.  
B. Yugi spent too much time thinking about worrying.  
C. Four Eyes needs pimple cream.

If you guessed C, you're right! Clearisol would work wonders for the man...

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we delve into Chapter Three: What Would You Do If You Were Omnipotent? 


	3. What Would You Do If You Were Omnipotent...

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to instruct, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By Helldragon4000

CHAPTER THREE: What Would You Do If You Were Omnipotent?  
_The wise author does not seek to render his characters invulnerable and godlike. Rather, he taks the time to point out their weaknesses, so when they rip the living shit out of a bad guy, it feels that much better._

"Aren't you supposed to be at school, Matt?" Tea asked.

Matt smiled. "Well, I had the feeling that something was going to go down, here on this street, at this time, against this pimply fool-" here Four Eyes snarled- "so I snuck out."

"I don't need to duel you, you moron!" Four Eyes snorted. "I'm after Yugi Moto to-"

"To take his Millenium Puzzle for some evil genius," Matt finished. "Yeah, yeah, we know. Look, kid, in order to get to Yugi, you gots to beat me first." Matt glanced momentarily at Yugi. "That all right?"

"Sure, why not?" Yugi shrugged.

"Take him down, Matt!" Joey shouted in encouragement.

On a silent command, the two duelists moved to their positions, a distance away from each other. Matt had produced his Duel Disk 2 from his backpack and was preparing his deck. Four Eyes was busy wiping his hands on his pants, greasy as they were from popping his pimples. After this little task, he slammed his deck into the deck recognition slot of the Duel Disk 2, trying his damndest to glare down his opponent opposite of him. With a floruish, both duelists launched the holographic projectors from the base of their dueling instruments.

"Let's duel!" the two shouted as the Life Point totals jumped to 4000 and the holo projectors flashed to existence.

Matt: 4000/Four Eyes: 4000

"I'll go first," Four Eyes sneered, looking down at his hand of cards (Burning Spear, Flame Manipulator, Tyrant Dragon, Salamandra, Molten Destruction). The nerdy duelist grinned as he took his card (Widespread Ruin). "I summon Flame Manipulator(900/1000) in attack mode!" In a burst of flame, the plainly clothed man appeared on the field, flames dancing about him. "Next," continued Four Eyes, "I'll play Molten Destruction, increasing the attack points of my fire monsters by 400 points!" Flame Manipulator (1300/800) smirked as the land around the two duelists transformed into blazing, molten rock.

Matt smirked back at the monster, even with the obviously fake lava flowing over his ankles. "Humph. I expected that you would use Molten Destruction."

Four Eyes grimanced for only a bare moment before regaining his composure. "Next, I'm placing one card face down!"

"Is that card Widespread Ruin?" Matt asked, arching an eyebrow.

"No way!" shouted Four Eyes. "How did you know that I was going to use that card?!"

"Just think of me as...all-seeing, I guess." Matt glanced casually down as his hand(Just Desserts, Dark Snake Syndrome, Mystical Space Typhoon, Giant Soldier of Stone, Cobra Jar). This was going to be fun; that he knew for sure. This feeling grew with the production of Matt's draw(Gravekeeper's Curse). "I use Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy your Widespread Ruin!" The duelist, adjusting his own, more stylish glasses, smiled as a storm materialized out of nowhere and atomized the face down card. "Next," Matt continued, slapping two cards down on his Duel Disk, "I play one card face down and a monster in defense mode(Cobra Jar)!"

"You won't be smiling for long!" Four Eyes declared as he drew his next card(Twin-Headed Fire Dragon). "All right, I'm sacrificing my Flame Manipulator to summon Twin-Headed Fire Dragon(2200/1700)! Prepare for your demise!" Golden lightning erupted from the Flame Manipulator, who promptly collapsed into a thundering ball of power. This sphere expanded rapidly, until the element of its composition switched from lightning to inferno, and the purplish-red dragon of two heads emerged from the blaze. Quickly, the creature's statistics changed to 2600/1500 due to Molten Destruction. "And now," Four Eyes shouted in evil glee, "attack, my Dragon! Twin Dragon Breath!"

With incredible force, two spears of flame exploded from the double maws of the dragon, slamming into Matt's face down defense monster. Briefly, the image of the Cobra Jar(600/300) appeared before shattering into the wind.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! Feel the might of my Dragon! HUH?"

Four Eyes was reacting to a black-scaled snake, now coiled into a defensive pose. Matt smirked. "What, did my Poisonous Snake token(1200/1200) surprise you? You should know that when Cobra Jar is flipped, it creates a new monster for me, which I have placed in defense mode!"

The pimpled freak scoffed. "It doesn't matter. For all of your talk, you haven't damaged my Life Points yet, and your snake holds naught a candle to my superior Twin-Headed Fire Dragon! Make your move!"

Matt drew smoothly(Inaba White Rabbit). He realized all along that Four Eyes was going to bring out that Twin-Headed Fire Dragon. "I will in a minute. For now, I'm placing another monster in defense mode!" With this, he placed his Giant Soldier of Stone on his Duel Disk.

"If all you are going to do is lay defenses, you'll never win this duel!"

"Unless, of course, I do this!" Matt replied, pressing a button on his Duel Disk which responded in his face down card revealing itself. "My Just Desserts does 500 Life Points of damage to you for every monster on the field! But, since I'M using the card, it does 700 points for each monster instead!"

"WHAT?! HOW?!"

Matt folded his arms. "Because I'm good like that. Now my trap," the duelist proclaimed, "attack his Life Points directly!" A transparent, spiritual hand extended from the Just Desserts, slinking its way over to a horrified Four Eyes. He screamed as his pimples burst into oily volcanoes by the attack, dropping his Life Points severely.

Matt: 4000/Four Eyes: 1900

"That's weird," Yugi murmured. "For some reason, the effect was different."

"AND," Matt shouted, "I'm flipping my Giant Soldier of Stone(1300/2000) into attack mode!"

"How can he do that?" Joey asked as the rock marten materialized. "The Duel Disk is actually ALLOWING him to flip Giant Soldier of Stone as soon as he played it!"

Four Eyes was livid. "That's against the rules!"

Matt smirked evilly. "The rules don't apply to me! Now, my Soldier, attack the Twin-Headed Fire Dragon!"

"But you'll lose! My Dragon has 2900 attack points, and your Stone Soldier has only 1300 attack points!"

"Not so! Whenever I want to, my monster can attack with its defense points, and if its defense is higher than your monster's defense, then you lose FIVE-THIRDS of the difference in Life Points! ATTACK!"

Four Eyes wailed in pain as the Giant Soldier of Stone lumbered over to the Dragon and attacked, its stone sword crashing with full force through the creature, causing it to explode into shards.

Matt: 4000/Four Eyes: 1067

"Where did he get that rule?" Tristan wondered.

"I think he made it up," Bakura answered.

The evil duelist was sniffling in anger. There was no way he was going to let this invincible duelist defeat him! With silent fury, he took his next card(Chosen One), shaking in evil mirth. "Excellent! The very card I was looking for! This spells your demise!" Four Eyes regarded the still calm Matt with an malevolent eye. "All I need is Lady Luck on my side, and I will be victorious!"

Tea shook a finger. "I don't think Lady Luck would want to be on your side, you freak!"

The robed man sputtered. "Shut up, you bitch!"

"No, she's right," said Matt, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "For in order to use the Chosen One you drew, you will have to chance a selection between the Tyrant Dragon you hold in your hand and the Burning Spear and Salamandra you possess as well."

"HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?!"

Matt bowed curtly. "I'm psychic."

"You mean psycho," Bakura murmured.

"STAND THERE SO I CAN SMACK YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD, YOU DICKWAD!" Matt screeched. He immediately leapt toward a shocked Bakura, only to have Tristan and Joey interfere, grasping his arms so that he could not lash at the white-haired teenager.

"He may be all-knowing, but he's still sensitive," Yugi sighed.

"Well, it doesn't matter!" Four Eyes screamed, blasting the Chosen One card into a slot on his Duel Disk. At once, three cards appeared face down in a circular pattern, with a mask-shaped pointer in the center of the ring. "My Chosen One card will randomly select one of the three cards that I have placed on the field. If it selects my Tyrant Dragon, then he will be automatically summoned without a need to sacrifice!" Now Four Eyes grinned in a dastardly manner. "Once my ultimate beast emerges, you will fall before his fury! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Why is that evil lackeys laugh manically just like their evil genius masters?" Matt asked casually to his friends.

"Stupidity?" Joey offered.

"Pity?" suggested Tristan.

"Contempt?" Yugi mentioned.

Matt shrugged. "Probably all of those. Can I go now?" he whined to Four Eyes.

The pimply nerd shook his head. "Not until my Dragon reveals itself and destroys you!" At that, the mask spinner started, well, spinning. Even Matt had no clue which cards were where, and where which cards were. He watched, with curiosity for the first time, as the Chosen One magic card worked its, well, magic. Finally, the spinner slowed down, slowing until it came to a complete stop, pointing to one of the cards. Slowly it revealed itself for all to see.

Matt gasped as the Tyrant Dragon(2900/2500) was shown in all of his horrific glory. With this, Four Eyes cackled as the rest of the display vanished. "YES! The time has come! Come forth, Tyrant Dragon!" The monster's card dissolved into golden sparks at this command. At the same time, a humongous, brown-scaled dragon materialized, bearing its teeth at the easily bruised Matt, who grimanced more as the monstrosity's attributes jumped to 3400/2300.

For the first time since the duel, Matt uttered an explexitive. "Oh, shit..."

"'Oh shit' is right!" Joey repeated loudly. "There's no way that Matt's going to beat that thing! It's over! It's all over! He's doomed! DOOMED, I tell you!" Yugi and friends arched their eyebrows collectively as Joey fell crying to the ground like a baby, wrapped up in a fetal position.

"Well, that was unexpected..." Tristan said.

"ANYWAY," interrupted Four Eyes, his hands on his hips, "it's time for you to writhe in miserable agony, you exceptionally dumb lug! Tyrant Dragon, attack the Giant Soldier of Stone with Flames of the Cruel Monarch!" The dragon reared his head back, lunging foward with gouts of flame spilling from its maw. The rock warrior literally couldn't stand the heat; the thing soon melted into a pile of gooey crap, with the remnants of the flame continuing on to its master. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And now you'll lose 2100 Life Points!"

Matt: 4000/Four Eyes: 1067

The man blinked through his super-thick glasses. Maybe he wasn't reading that right.

Matt: 4000/Four Eyes: 1067

No, his glasses WEREN'T busted. Matt's Life Points were still 4000! Four Eyes sneered in confusing rage at his opponent, who was still smirking stupidly even as the power of the Tyrant Dragon faded away. "IMPOSSIBLE! HOW WERE YOU ABLE TO WITHSTAND THE HELLISH FURY OF MY SUPREME MONSTER?!"

"You scream too much. First off, that thing is a hologram. He couldn't hurt me if he tried. Which he did." Matt grasped the outer edge of his denim jacket. "And second, my jacket is made of an indestructible material, one that is immune to any and all attacks from your pimply assualt!"

"How DARE you insult my face! TO my face!"

Yugi was in silent awe. "Amazing! He's not hurt one bit!"

"How WAS he able to take that attack?" queried Tea.

"Sheer chutzpah." Matt drew his card, and grinned. "Besides, this duel is over anyway."

Four Eyes scoffed. "That's what you say."

"No, it's fact. For now I hold the card that will snag me the win!" Matt held out the card a bit before slapping it down. "Fuck you, bitch, you're dead!"

Four Eyes laguhed shortly. "There is no card that you could have drawn that can defeat my ultimate Tyrant Dragon!" The abovementioned dragon roared to ennunciate that point.

Matt looked at Four Eyes from above his glasses. "But I do. I just said the name of the card." With this, the holographic arena flashed violently with bursts of emerald light. "The Fuck You, Bitch, You're DEAD card!" As soon as the green flares faded, a mighty armored knight stood in the precense of the two duelists. His emerald armor shone brilliantly from the light of the sun, which was amazing considering the fact that the warrior was merely a hologram. His right hand was garbed in a massive right glove, which has frozen in a position that was showing the middle finger to Four Eyes, who was dumbstruck. The knight's sword was also a giant metallic middle finger, with barbs for good measure. To top it all off, the horns extending from the sides of the warrior's helmet were middle fingers as well.

The robed man Matt was dueling gasped in horror. "What does that card do?!"

"The Fuck You, Bitch, You're DEAD card instantly destroys every monster and card on the field except for himself." Matt now pointed at Four Eyes. "And then my monster attacks your Life Points directly for infinite damage! ATTACK! BLOW OF THE FUCK!"

Four Eyes screamed as his Tyrant Dragon was destroyed with a snap of the knight's fingers. Then, he screamed some more as the Fuck You, Bitch, You're DEAD card ran over with blinding speed, slashing and stabbing the geeky dork with a million attacks before pulling out a .44 Magnum like Dirty Harry and shooting Four Eyes with a holographic bullet.

Matt: 4000/Four Eyes: So far into the negatives it's not even funny.

"Way to go, Matt!" said Joey, who had reverted into his normal state.

"You sure kicked his zit-tacular ass!" Bakura said.

Matt merely reset his Duel Disk, picking up the holographic projectors he had launched. He knew he was going to win all along. He just had to prove it in a rather suave style. "Yeah, well, next time I'm not going to be so omnipotent. It's boring like that."

Meanwhile, Four Eyes had turned into a greasy squash. Why? Cause Matt said so.

* * *

Now, what's wrong in this chapter?

A. Matt could amazingly predict what cards Four Eyes was using.  
B. Matt was using rules he had never made up before, and rules that Four Eyes was going along with.  
C. Four Eyes should have turned into a kumquat.

If you guessed C, you're right! Kumquats, as well as cantalopues, accurately reflect how greasy the man was.

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we flutter into Chapter Four: Proper Kelsey Grammar. 


	4. Proper Kelsey Grammar

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: They're here! The first two character submissions I have accepted! Sarah aka Celebi and the voluptuous Ralaxia make guest appearances in this chapter. Since the reviewer who submitted Ralaxia wanted a cool deep sounding name, I chose this one. Where did I come up with Ralaxia? Read ALL of my stories and you'll find out.

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By Helldragon4000

CHAPTER FOUR: Proper Kelsey Grammar  
_The wise author acknowledges the fact that a proper book of grammar is his friend, when really all he wants to do is shove the damn thing up the ass of his English teacher._

Adolf Hitler was very busy. Being an evil genius did that for a man. First off, his Rarity Seekers were still trying to acquire all of the seven extra Blue Eyes White Dragons, as well as those seventy two Toon Worlds. Hitler had already placed the three Blue Eyes they had already found in his deck. As well as one Toon World, but the Nazi was not a fan of cartoons, ever since a disastorus encounter with the Allied Avenger at a local shopping mall in his native Germany.

Secondly, he was illegally registering his Rarity Seekers into the database of Kaiba Corporation's newest tournament, which was called Battle City 2. It wasn't too hard-when Hitler got to the section titled "Check here if you are entering this tournament illegally" at the online registration, he merely left the box blank. Not too surprisingly, everyone submitted was accepted.

Thirdly, Snivelly had just informed Hitler that six other souls had picked up the newest set of Millenium Items. Hitler passed over the holders of the Millenium Flail, Finger, Car Door, and Shotgun, but when he got to the last two, his curiosity perked. It seemed that a young girl named Sarah(aka Celebi, as her profile said,) held the Millenium Schiess-not a bad Item, in Hitler's opinion. The second holder of interest, another girl named Kuri(Hitler was not bothering to learn the girls' last names) had the Millenium Dark Magician Plushy. Cute.

Hitler was plotting on how to conquer Belgium on his conquering map on his conquering table when it came to him. A voice. A seductive, omnipresent, somewhat irritating voice. "Adolf..." it whispered, "come out and play..."

"Ah, schiess," Hitler swore, his German accent now free. He glanced hard into the shadows of the dimly lit drawing room, fiddling with his mustasche. "Dammit, woman, where have you gone? I know you're there, somewhere!"

"You are too impatient, Hitler," the voice drawled, its originator stepping out of the shadows. Hitler had to blink rapidly; sure, he had seen this vision before, but everytime it was something else entirely. Yes, a woman came out before his eyes. But not just any woman...a MAGIC woman! a MAGIC woman from ancient EGYPT!

"I knew that you would be hanging around here, Ralaxia," Hitler mumbled, almost to himself.

Ralaxia was indeed a sight. Even in her tender age of 50(due to the fact that she was from ancient Egypt), somehow she had maintained the trim figure and youth of an eighteen year old female. The only thing covering her dark Egyptian skin was a skintight dress of a dull tan fabric, stopping just above her knees and just below the upper crevaces of her breasts. Her long, flowing black remained tamed and free, dancing elegantly down to the small of her back. With each step, Hitler's eyes danced past her figure and her sharpened face, and not too surprisingly, he had a relevation just like the many fanboys who wrote fanfictions inspired on sexual thoughts. Those same eyes rose up to her neck and face, from the immense amounts of jewelry around her neck to her eerie eyes, eyes of a emerald feline nature.

Hitler watched the Egyptian strut toward his conquering table. Sure, she was drop-dead gorgeous, but she had a tale behind her beautiful ass. A long time ago, in far, far away Egypt, Ralaxia was one of the many queens to the ancient Egyptian Pharoah Yami Yugi. She ruled almost half of the land under the Pharoah's control, and yet her subjects hated her guts. Why the subjects hated her he'd never know. Yami loved her, but she only returned the favor to the tomb robber known as Yami Bakura. However, she sucked at stealing, so she was caught, but since Yami got a dream that a divine monkey told him that his destiny lied in his expert sexual skill to this particular woman, he married her instead of killing her. Using her influence, Ralaxia formed alliences with the priest Seto as well as other important figures, loving them, but not Yami or Bakura, who failed to rescue her. However, she soon truly fell in love with Matticus, the second right hand man of Nero, who visited one day to offer human vaccum cleaners. Consumation was natural afterwards, since Matticus was a dateless bum anyway, and soon, Ralaxia was bearing a child within her, an obvious result of Matt. Unbeknowest to all of the other males she had slept with, she had used a steady combination of withdrawl and ancient condom technology to avoid pregnancy, going all of the way only for Matt. Yami, naturally, got pissed, chased Matticus back to Nero, and killed Ralaxia. The only way she had been revived was through the power of the Millenium Key.

Of course, Hitler knew all of this thanks to his Millenium Amulet. But, he also knew that whomever wielded all fourteen Millenium Items would wield complete sexual dominance over Ralaxia, as Yami Yugi himself so said when he cursed her on her death. Then, her feline cat eyes would shatter, revealing the hellish fury of a woman scorned. Ralaxia was bitter, but she was intellegent, cunning, and a supreme bitch. Hitler always had to watch his step around her.

"So, how goes the plans to seize Belgium?" the Egyptian female asked, playing with the rope that held the Millenium Key around her neck.

Hitler beamed. "Just fine, thank-wait a minute," he said, growing suspicious, "why do you care?"

Ralaxia smiled coldly. "I don't." She stopped even to the table, a large map of Europe sprawled over the surface. "You tok over Belgium so easily back then, Adolf. But now, in these times, can you even manange to vanquish a few duelists or holders of Millenium Items? Times have changed."

"Maybe so," Hitler snarled back, "but I am prepared. With my army of Rarity Seekers and powerful cards, we can take whatever we like. Soon, all fourteen Millenium Items will be under my control." Now the Nazi began to walk around the table, away from Ralaxia. "Honestly, if you had followed Machiavelli's principles like I do, Ralaxia, then you might have gained the trust of your subjects, and they might have allowed you to access more power."

"They were fools," Ralaxia snapped. "Like all peasants."

Hitler stopped in front of the picture of England. "They might be fools, but they are also your most valuable resources. You must work to gain their trust, or you will never retain hold of your empire. 'A prince should be feared, not hated'." Hitler fiddled some more with his mustasche. "The common people should also be rewarded for their efforts."

"I cared for them!" Ralaxia suddenly burst out, slamming a hand on the table. "I fought for them, I allowed them to live! And they hated me!"

"Maybe it's the fact that you were still greedy when it came to riches, instead of spreading it amongst the people when deserved," said Hitler, folding his arms. "Or, maybe it's all of the old flames you allowed to run away from you ever since you died..."

That wasn't very intellegent on Hitler's part. With one single movement, Ralaxia was next to Hitler, her hands wrapped around the collar of his shirt, near the chain that held his Millenium Amulet. Hitler's mask had disappeared slightly; he hadn't expected such strength.

"I will not stand here and allow you to insult me," she growled, her beautiful face contorted in anger. "My old passions have slipped from my grasp! I will not spare them from my eternal vengeance! The descendants of those hateful souls...DEAD! I promise you that!"

"Then you might want to know their names." Quickly, Ralaxia released Hitler, who promptly readjusted his collar. "I happen to know the names of the descendants of those old flames."

"Tell me!" Ralaxia seethed.

"Yami Yugi is Yugi Moto-"

"I'll kill him!"

"Yami Bakura is Ryou Bakura-"

"I'll kill him, too!"

"Seto Kaiba is, well, Seto Kaiba-"

"I'll kill that one, too!"

"John Cleese is Sir Lancelot-"

"What?"

Hitler sighed. "Never mind." He turned back to the laptop computer sitting on the map, near Norway. "They've all entered in Battle City 2. You can take them down from there." The Nazi smiled evilly. "As well as help me retrieve the new God cards."

Ralaxia, who had turned to face the shadows, now swiveled to face Hitler. "This is vengeance for me! I refuse to do your dirty work while my foes run amok!"

Hitler was bordering into his somewhat famous temper. "Need I remind you, Queen of Egypt, that I revived you? That I, through the power of my Millenium Item, drew your spirit into the Key, and beat the shit out of Shadi in the process? You owe me, Ralaxia! And while you are paying your debt, you may hunt down and destroy your enemies in the process. Understand?"

Ralaxia sighed. "I do." She walked off, into the shadows, but before disappearing completely, that same omnipresent voice hit Hitler's ears once more. "But I warn you. If you stop me in my quest, you shall DIE!"

And with that, Hitler was left alone to plot against Belgium.

***

"I can't believe that there's going to be a Battle City 2!" Yugi was saying as he and his friends were walking home from school. Yugi, Joey, Bakura, and Matt now held invitations in their hand, lovingly distributed to them by an acid-seeping Seto Kaiba.

"Yeah, an' Kaiba actually invited me!" Joey said.

"True," conceded Matt, "but that comment was punctuated with many insults and smart remarks about your ancestry."

"Well, it'll be good to get out of school for a few weeks like at Duelist Kingdom and at Battle City 1," Tea remarked.

"Yeah, and it'll be like time stops everywhere else as this tournament is going on!" Tristan mentioned.

"Looks like we have some major preparing to do," Bakura said to the other duelists, "but I have a feeling that this tournament will be full of trouble just like the last two."

Yugi shrugged. "Probably." He fingered the rope that wrapped the Millenium Puzzle around his neck. "But then again, these things are like a danger magnet."

"Danger magnet?" Matt repeated, his tone ugly. "I ought to kill you for that one."

Suddenly, a loud "HEY!" from behind the group stopped them in their tracks. They turned around, only to see a young girl of about twelve years of age, wearing a simple T-shirt and jeans and sporting long blonde hair, running up to them.

"Who da hell is that?" Joey asked, his face confused.

The girl answered that question in one long shout. "Oh my god I can't believe it's Joey Wheeler the second place finalist of Duelist Kingdom and top ten of Battle City I've always wanted to meet you!" Matt, Joey, and Tristan grimaced as the girl stopped just in front of the group, out of breath.

"Who are you?" Bakura asked.

The girl, now having recovered, beamed. "Sarah call me they do, but you say Celebi I am!"

Tea arched an eyebrow. "What did you say?"

"She's speaking Yoda," Tristan explained. "I can help." She glanced at Sarah. "Me Tristan called I am, this and they are Yugi, Matt, Joey, Tea, and Bakura. You what you now want?"

Sarah smiled widely, looking merely at Joey, who was starting to freak out. "Always me want see Joey Wheeler, cool he is?"

"What?"

"She's saying you're cool, Joey," Tristan translated.

Joey's confused expression shifted to one of immense pride. "Well, I know I'm great and all, but dis is da first time I ever had a loyal fan!"

"And probably the last..." Matt trailed.

"WHAT?!" Like so many times before, Joey leapt at Matt, only an inch from his goal of tearing his friend apart since Tristan had grabbed the jacket collar of his friend.

"Must you do this, Joey?" Yugi sighed, exasperated.

But unbeknowest to the friends, Sarah was dreamily gazing at Joey's rage with hazel eyes. "OH! COOL SO JOEY WHEELER FREAK OUT HE IS I LIKE!"

Joey now stopped. "Huh? You like it when I freak out?"

"YEAH!" Suddenly, out of the mysterious nowhere, Sarah had a Duel Disk. She must have either pulled it from the void or the backpack she had dropped on the ground. "Be all right if you duel me you will?"

Joey swelled his chest in arrogance. "Yeah! Sure, Sarah!" He glanced pitifully at his arm. "But I don't 'ave a Duel Disk..."

With one sentence, Sarah had tripped just like Joey was. "CELEBI I AM!" In an instant, she was calm once more. "Can use extra mine I have." She delved into her backpack and casually tossed another Duel Disk to Joey, who failed to catch the device.

"This ought to be interesting," Tea said as the combatants walked away from each other to the desirable dueling distance.

"Eh, she probably duels as bad as she speaks," Bakura concluded.

With a flourish, both duelists activated their Duel Disks. "LET'S DUEL!"

Joey: 4000/Sarah: 4000

Joey looked down at his opening hand(Alligator Sword, Gearfried the Iron Knight, Graceful Dice, Jinzo, Kunai with Chain) and grinned. This was definitely a good start. Now, Joey drew(Time Wizard) and prepared his plan of attack. "All right, I'm throwin' two cards face down an' summon Alligator Sword(1500/1200) in attack mode!" With a blast of holographic technology, two brown card backs materialized, with a reptilian warrior bearing a sword in front of them.

"Turn mine it is!" Sarah glanced at her five cards with one goal in mind: to honor the famous Joey Wheeler with an excellent duel(Blue-Winged Crown, Harpie Lady, Gust Fan, Rising Wind Current, Bladefly). She hummed oddly to herself as soon as she drew(Dust Tornado). "Play one card down face do me and summon now attack mode in Blue-Winged Crown(1600/1200)!" A new face down card appeared next to Sarah's feet, with a blue feathered falcon appearing soon after. "Next," said Sarah, laying Rising Wind Current in the field card reccognition slot of the Duel Disk, "Rising Wind Current power will up Blue-Winged Crown much 500 attack points do, lower but 400 defense points he gets!" A fierce wind now kicked up, jostling the leaves in the trees and increasing Blue-Winged Crown's statistics to 2100/800. Sarah folded her arms smugly. "And now end turn do I."

"Huh?" Joey mused to himself. "Oh, I see...she didn't attack 'cause she thinks I have a trap, which I do." His brain was now humming with activity as he drew his new card(Chasm of Spikes). "Okay," Joey spoke up, slipping his new card into the Duel Disk, "I'm placin' another card face down-"

"Now time use I can Dust Tornado!" Sarah cried in glee as the violet card revealed itself.

"WHAT?!"

"Dust Tornado allows Sarah to destroy one Magic or Trap card on the field!" Yugi shouted to a clueless Joey. The tri-color haired teenager was then shouted down to the ground by Joey's opponent.

"CELEBI I AM!" Again, Sarah had now calmed down once more. "And right Yugi is. Dust Tornado blow up one card Magic Trap or indeed." She pointed a finger at Joey's hidden Graceful Dice. "And choose card that I do there!" At once, a swirling tornado swung into existence, hovered over to the target card, then collided forcefully onto its surface, sending the Graceful Dice into the sky before the entire display vanished.

"AUGH!" Joey exclaimed. "My Graceful Dice!" Quickly, he regained his composure. "No problem-now I summon Jinzo(2400/1700) by sacrificin' my Alligator Sword!" The Alligator Sword did not respond as an image of Jinzo's card, nor did it react as the creature sank into the card with a flash. Another flash, and the mechanical monstrosity known as Jinzo ascended, his arms folded confidently across his frame. Joey grinned at the arrival of one of the most powerful creatures in his deck. Jinzo's firepower more than made up for the fact that no Trap cards could be used while he was out. Estatic, Joey waved his arm at the Blue-Winged Crown. "Now attack, Jinzo! Cyber Energy Shock!"

Jinzo brought his arms to his right side, gathering the dark power that fueled him into a single orb, then releasing it with full intensity, the sphere crashing into the blue bird and shattering it into the wind. Sarah was now rather angry. "ARGH! Pay for Blue-Winged Crown demise do you will soon I revenge wreak!"

Joey: 4000/ Sarah: 3600

"Shot good nice, Joey dude!" Tristan shouted happily. He hastily covered his mouth when he realized he was speaking Yoda.

Recovering her cool, Sarah drew(Pot of Greed) and smiled evilly. "Excellent! Play Greed of Pot me, draw cards two lets do me!" The female freak grinned even more malevolently with the production of her draw(Elegant Egotist, Negation). "Beautiful! Me Negation play!"

"Negation?" Tea asked. "What does that card do, Yugi?"

Matt answered. "Negation prohibits one type of card from being played or activated until Sarah's next turn! With that, Sarah can seriously hamper Joey's plans!"

"She did ask ME..." Yugi drawled.

Sarah was literally jumping for joy. "Yes! Negation, stop Trap use being played now me please!" Joey watched, horrified, as black bindings wrapped around Joey's face down cards.

"Dammit!" Joey shouted.

"Now, Harpie Lady(1300/1400) forth come!" Sarah declared, and all watched as the nubile beast of the skies materialized. This particular Harpie Lady was a player, as she winked cutely at Joey, who promptly grimaced. She did it again when her attributes jumped to 1800/1000.

"AUGH!" Bakura shouted in horror. "ATTACK OF THE IMITATORS!" Matt quelled Bakura's fear with many smacks upside the head.

This wasn't good, Joey thought. If she played Harpie Lady, then next was...

"Now, me Elegant Egotist I use, now can I summon Harpie Lady Sisters(1950/2100) from deck of me!" The image of the Harpie Lady unfocused for a minute, and before Matt's eyes, two more identical women seperated from the main body. With another flash, golden armor much similar to the card Cyber Shield surged over the torsos of all three Harpie Ladies, finishing the transistion.

"Ah, crap!" Joey said. Just then, the attack and defense points of the Harpie Lady Sisters switched to 2450/1700 due to the effect of Rising Wind Current. "Ah, CRAP!"

"Me done not yet ain't!" Sarah smirked, placing Gust Fan in her Duel Disk. The lead Harpie Lady Sister, who sported long ruby hair comapred to the other wild styles of her siblings, snatched the resulting Japanese fan. "Gust Fan with, my Sisters of Harpy Ladies 400 attack more points recieve they get!"

"AH, CRAP!" Joey shouted once more as the trio of blue-skinned females recieved more power, this time to attributes of 2850/1500.

"Attack, Sisters mine! Tornado Triple!" Glancing at each other, the Harpy Lady Sisters flapped their wings at Joey, but with so much might that the wind kicked up by this force generated three miniature tornadoes, which quickly danced over to Jinzo. The machine attempted to barricade against the attack, but it was futile; the winds tore apart Jinzo faster than one can say "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers" twenty seven times.

Joey: 3550/ Sarah: 3600

"Ouch," Bakura remarked. "That's gotta hurt..."

"I don't think Joey has a card that can beat that," Tea said.

Joey was thinking the same thing, too. "How am I gonna beat Sarah's Harpy Lady Sisters...?"

"CELEBI CALLED AM I TIME LAST I SAY!"

* * *

Now, what's wrong in this chapter?

A. Ralaxia had one hell of a crazy, twisted past that was hard to follow.  
B. Sarah's sentence structure was atrocious.  
C. Tristan's too stupid to understand Yoda speak.

If you guessed C, you're right! Joey is not lying when he insults Tristan's intellegence-the teenager takes remedial kindergarten.

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we cross the threshold into Chapter Five: Ali G-ramatically Correct. 


	5. Ali Gramatically Correct

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: Sorry I took so long in updating. I was too busy balancing my life and tending to ASK THE VILLIANS. But don't think my devotion stops there! ALL of my fics get my tender support! Oh yeah, if anyone wants to see the Yu-Gi-Oh characters play a round of Dungeons and Dragons(with a twist), tell me in your reviews. Preferably in my other stories ^_^.

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By Helldragon4000

CHAPTER FIVE: Ali G-ramatically Correct  
_The wise author chooses to not drop the level of his work into the dregs by the constant use of slang. Unless, of course, he is trying to broadcast on UPN._

In case you are wondering the status of the field since last time:  
Joey has 3550 Life Points. He holds Gearfried the Iron Knight and Time Wizard in his hand. Kunai with Chain and Chasm of Spikes are face down on his side of the field.  
Sarah has 3600 Life Points. She holds Bladefly in her hand. Negation is currently in play. Gust Fan is equipped to her Harpy Lady Sisters. Rising Air Current is currently in play.

Matt was now unofficial announcer to the match between Sarah(or CELEBI, as she would have said) and Joey. "What an incredible show! Celebi has just destroyed Joey's Jinzo with her super-powered Harpy Lady Sisters! How is Joey going to squirm his way outta this one?"

"Hear me now, bitches and bruvers!" a voice called suddenly. The group turned to see a very odd-looking Duke Devlin stride up to them, fresh from school like they were, but dressed in yellow-tinted wrap-around glasses and a skull cap, while playing with his black hair.

"Hi, Duke!" Yugi said cheerfully.

"Big ups to you," replied Duke.

"We're watching Joey get his ass kicked by a girl!" Tristan added. "Want to watch?"

"Wicked! Wha bitch iz he duelin?"

"Someone named Celebi," Bakura answered, pointing to the action. "She just destroyed his Jinzo."

Duke narrowed his eyes at the Harpy Lady Sisters, then recoiled in horror. "Oh, bruver! Dose wacked up bitches' tack power iz off da charts! Ow iz he gonna ruk it?"

Joey looked worriedly at his hand(Gearfried the Iron Knight, Time Wizard). No monster he had was strong enough to defeat Sarah's Harpy Lady Sisters. And his Trap cards wouldn't work until Sarah ended her next turn! Fearful of his fate, he drew(Goblin Attack Force) and his look of despair switched to one of joy when he finally noticed his Time Wizard. Excellent! "I summon Time Wizard(500/400)!" With a puff of smoke, the clock magician appeared on the field, brandishing a staff with a clock on the end.

Celebi grimaced away from her hand(Bladefly). "No oh!"

"If the spinner lands on a house," Joey explained, "then a thousand years will pass, causing your Harpy Lady Sisters to age into weak, decrepit women! Now, TIME ROULETTE!" At this command, the small arrow on the end of the Time Wizard's staff began to rotate.

"Die my Ladies do if spinner right get you," Sarah said, "but wrong spinner bad lands does on skull, die it you lose and chunk Life Points of!" She grinned again. "Certain I am spinner that wrong is!"

But even this impudent girl was shocked when the Time Wizard's spinning arrow slowed down and pointed directly to a house. Joey leapt as high as he could go in joy, falling smack dab on the ground. "ALL RIGHT! Go, Time Wizard! Time Magic!" Time Wizard swung his staff with a flourish, and the audience gasped as a thousand years of human history passed before their eyes.

"Woa! Ook at dat!" Devlin shouted as the Harpy Lady Sisters aged in an accelerated fashion before their eyes. Matt's eyes widened as the formerly beautiful holograms turned into something far more fragiler, holding in a yelp of surprise when the three winged bitches shattered into glass particles.

"Now, attack, Time Wizard!" Joey declared. "Time Crash!" The clock mage waved his staff once more, and Celebi was driven back by a torrent of horrendously fake forces.

Joey: 3550/ Sarah: 3100

"Way to go, Joey!" Tea shouted.

Sarah was now off her rocker, so to speak. "NO! NOT FAIR IS NO! I YOU KILL THAT I WILL, WHEELER JOEY!" Trying to bring herself under control, she drew(Garuda the Wind Spirit), smiling. Joey's traps were still deactivated until her turn was over, and with this, she could attack that stupid Time Wizard. "Okay! Wind Spirit Garuda the(1600/1200), play me now do I removing Harpie Lady Graveyard from!" The holo projectors squeaked with effort, and a clothed bird-like humanoid materialized. "Wizard attack Time!" Garuda roughly shoved the air in front of him with a hand, and Time Wizard went bye-bye.

Joey: 2450/ Sarah: 3100

"WOA!" Duke Devlin shouted loudly. "Time Wizard just went bo, dat stiff! Joey ad better move his deal totwo otherwise 'e's goin to be sacked by dis main bitch!"

Yugi arched an eyebrow a moment at Duke's behavior, then looked back to the scene. "Joey!" he shouted. "You can still turn this around! Just focus and believe in the Heart of the Cards!"

Matt snorted rudely. "Are you on crack, Yugi? Joey don't need no 'Heart of the Cards' bullshit! He needs to cheat!" With this, he presented a Nazi salute. "Only then can he be victorious!"

"Commie salute!" Duke hollered.

Joey mused to himself. _He's right, Matt is. If I'm gonna win, den I gotta cheat!_ The blond haired teenager looked back at his opponent. _But how can I sneak it past Sarah?_ He thought for a good while(which was his actual best effort). Then, it came to him!

"CELEBI!" Joey shouted, pointing behind Sarah. "STARE REALLY HARD AT DA GROUND BEHIND YA FOR A MINUTE!"

Celebi shrugged, and did so. With the speed of a bat out of hell, Joey pulled his deck out of his deck slot and fumbled through the cards.

"What the hell is he doing?" Tristan asked.

"I think he's searching through his deck for cards," Bakura answered.

Matt wiped a tear from his eye. "He's cheating...I've never felt so proud!"

When Joey had pulled his best cards from his deck(Panther Warrior, Scapegoat, Red Eyes Black Dragon, Fortress Whale, Fortress Whale Oath, and three Hinotamas), he quickly threw these cards in his hand and his deck(cleverly manipulated, of course) back into his Duel Disk. "All right, you can look now!"

Sarah's vision snapped back foward. "Right all, lose it time is you for! Move make!"

Joey grinned evilly. "Thanks to my superior skills, you're goin' down! First, I draw." The duelist secretly slipped three cards from his deck(Rocket Warrior, Parasite Paracide, Graverobber) and quickly threw down his Rocket Warrior, Panther Warrior, and Red Eyes Black Dragon on the field. "First, I play three monsters in attack mode for no fuckin' reason!"

"WHAT?!" Sarah shouted in dismay.

"Next," Joey went on, "I use three Hinotamas an' Scapegoat an' Fortress Whale Oath so you lose 1500 Life Points an' I summon my big ass Fortress Whale(2350/2150) in attack mode!" Just as many fireballs finished beating the shit out of Sarah and Joey's three monsters appeared, the gigantic gun-toting Fortress Whale materialized, looking at Sarah like she was Captain Ahab on a bad day.

Joey: 2450/ Sarah: 1600

"And then she dies," Tea concluded.

Joey: 2450/ Sarah: 0000

A hearty cheer resounded from the audience supporting Joey(as well as a loud "Pulled dat uno outta your bum-bum!" from Duke), and they flowed over to congratulate him. Matt had beaten the others to the lead, and was vigourously shaking Joey's hand in pride as his friends caught up. "God damn, kid, you make me feel all good inside," the denim-clad teenager said happily. "You are truly worthy for Kaiba's Battle City 2 tournament!"

Joey smiled goofily. "Aw, cut it out, Matt. I didn't do much..."

"Of course you did, Joey!" said Yugi, now in proximity of his friend. "If you hadn't thought fast and cheated, then Celebi would have won for sure!"

"With your skills, soon Kaiba won't know what hit him!" Tristan added.

"And you'll get to the finals in no time!" finished Bakura.

"And we'll all cheat as well, so we get into the finals, too," Matt said.

The blond-haired teenager laughed stupidly. "Youse guys are too good for me!"

"Wait a minute," Tea cut in suddenly, snapping her fingers. "After all of this sappy emotional crap, we forgot all about Sarah! Where did she go?"

This was answered with a hearty "CELEBI I AM!" The gang turned to where Celebi was standing, only it was no longer the insane girl they had met a few minutes ago. No, now a small, green creature floated in the air eeriely. This particular creature, on the first glance, COULD be an innocent being, but an evil aura clinged to the thing's eyes. That, and a "THIS THING IS EVIL!" sign pointing to the monster told the group that this thing was indeed evil.

"AUGH!" Duke hollered. "WHA IN DA SHITDRAGON'S SWEET PRIVY IS DAT JACKIE CHAN BITCH?!"

The green chibi-monstrosity scoffed. "Honestly. You really can touch up your language, you know."

This gramatically correct language shocked the entire gathering of humans. Whatever this thing was, it was so definitely NOT Celebi. Tristan gulped. "What are you, then?" he asked.

It nodded. "Simple. I USED to be Sarah aka Celebi." The monster now held a conical object in its hand. Upon closer inspection, Matt could see that the object was made of pure gold and shaped to look like a pile of shit. "But, when I invoke the powers of the Millenium Scheiss, she becomes my vessel so that I, YAMI CELEBI, can come forth!" Yami Celebi erupted in typical sinister laughter.

"AUGH! ANOTHER MILLENIUM ITEM?!" screamed Yugi.

"AUGH! ANOTHER EVIL YAMI?!" shouted Bakura.

"AUGH! ANOTHER FUCKED UP SERIES OF PLOT HOLES!" hollered Matt.

So he was smacked upside the head.

Yami Celebi smiled its evil smile. "Yes. It's all true. And not only do I have an all-new Millenium Item, but there are SIX MORE Items! And once I capture all fourteen items, I can control the WORLD!" The green cutie of darkness cackled some more.

"What are ya plannin'?!" Joey demanded.

"Very well," Yami Celebi answered. "I shall reveal every aspect of my plot to you all. You see, all fourteen Millenium Items will be convienently located at the Battle City 2 tournament, as well as the three new Egyptian God cards. Once I possess these all, none will stand before me!"

"OH, YEA?!" Duke blathered angrily at the evil spirit. "YOU FINK YOU ALL HOT BLUE JEANS?! WELL, LET ME TELL YA SUMPTIN?! WE JUST WON'T GO TO DA TOURNEY BITCH MONGER!"

"You have no choice!" Yami Celebi thrust the Millenium Scheiss roughly before it. The air wavered for a moment, and Duke Devlin screamed many racial profanities as his soul-something that resembled the ultimate ball of snot-blasted out of his nose and into the golden shit. The body of the Dungeon Dice Monsters creator fell on the ground, and Yami Celebi laughed insanely in that typical manner.

"What the flying fuck did you do?!" Matt asked incredulously.

"I sucked his soul. And the same fate will be yours once I take your Millenium Items." Yami Celebi glared at each item holder. "Yugi Moto and his Millenium Puzzle. Ryou Bakura and his Millenium Ring. And Matt Willard with his Millenium Codpiece!"

"What?"

"Sorry. Wrong guy."

A flash from Yugi's Puzzle, and Yami Yugi-you know, the taller, cooler, more determined Yugi-entered the fray. "You shall never take my Millenium Puzzle, Celebi! And I vow, once we get to the Battle City 2 tournament, that I shall DEFEAT you!"

Yami Celebi scoffed again. "You and what army?"

"An army from the most unexpected of places, spirit." All turned to face Bakura, where this voice had originated, and saw that the Millenium Ring was glowing malevolently, hanging from his neck. His eyes had sharpened, and his hair had turned into something far more funkier. Yami Bakura-the ultimate badass-smirked cruelly at Yami Celebi, who blanched. "I shall not be the one to lose my Millenium Item, you retarded ball of snot. I shall take your Scheiss, and all of the other thirteen Millenium Items for myself!" He glanced at the pharoah's Puzzle. "As well as the Millenium Puzzle."

Matt groaned aloud. "Just great. Now Yami Bakura wants all of the Items, as well!"

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A RETARDED BALL OF SNOT!" the green ball of snot snapped. "I WILL DESTROY YOU AT BATTLE CITY TWO!"

"No, it is I will destroy you!" Yami Bakura promised.

"No, it is me."

"No, it is I."

"Me."

"I."

"Me!"

"I!"

"ME!"

"IT IS I!"

"Well, it don't matta!" Joey shouted over the two arguing yamis, causing them to stop. "We're all goin' to da same place, so y'all can thrash each other all y'all want!"

Yami Celebi blinked. "True." It glanced once more at the crowd, but mostly to Yami Yugi and Yami Bakura. "We shall meet again, you two and I. And once we do, I will take my prize from you!" Cackling insanely, Yami Celebi withdrew a smokebomb from nowhere, chucking it to the ground, blinding the company as it made its getaway. No one spoke, however, when the smoke instantly dissipated and the green spirit was just starting to run away.

Yami Bakura glanced evilly at Yami Yugi like its other counterpart. "I guess I shall part for now, seeing as how I must go on a beer run. But make no mistake! I SHALL emerge once again!" And with that, Ryou Bakura regained control. Immediately he sighed in relief. "Glad that's over with. We should really prepare for the tournament."

Everyone else nodded their agreement, and walked off to the Kame Game Shop to tell Yugi's grandpa what happened, leaving Duke Devlin to lie on the cold street. With cars. And ducks. And maybe some deer.

* * *

Now, what's wrong in this chapter?

A. Duke Devlin spoke all sorts of weird, innapropriate slang.  
B. Joey cheated like Matt did when he fought Fantastic Four-Eyes.  
C. Yami Celebi's use of the first person pronoun is incorrect.

If you guessed C, you're right! She should have followed Yami Bakura's example. The tomb raider may be a supreme asshole, but at least he commands a proper understanding of the English language.

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we experience vertigo with Chapter Six: Bermuda Love Triangle. 


	6. Bermuda Love Triangle

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

NOW I KNOW WHY EVERYONE THINKS SETO KAIBA LIKES SERENITY! Call me uninformed if you must, but I will merely ignore you. That episode after Yugi defeated Bakura in which Serenity pleads for Seto to land the craft...oh, you sly dogs, you all!

A/N: Oh ho, THIS is the chapter they'll remember me for. This chapter makes fun of all of those fanfictions that involves pairings that are not so typical. Before we begin, let it be known that I personally do not read yaoi. However, yaoi that is tasteful and well-written gets my support.

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By Helldragon4000

CHAPTER SIX: Bermuda Love Triangle  
_The wise author appreciates tasteful romance, but also realizes that pulp fiction is excellent for distracting horny teenagers for a few hours._

A day after the snotball known as Yami Celebi stole Duke Devlin's soul, Matt sat on his bed in his room, looking through his deck. Not only was his deck excellent when cheating, it could also pull a decent game when playing legitimently. Matt smiled to himself as he passed his Gravekeeper's Curse and Royal Keeper, the two last cards in his forty-card deck. He knew he was going to go far.

Matt slid his deck into his deck box. The tournament was in two days, and since school had convinently been cancelled, he could sit on his ass on purpose and no one could move him. Well, except the pizza guy. Matt settled on his fuzzy green stool, and prepared to snooze his ass off.

"WHAT THE FLYING FUCK ARE THEY DOING?!"

The glasses-wearing teenager jumped at this yell. It seemed to come from outside. Matt leapt off of his stool and at his window, peering outside. Over to a sidewalk on the side of the main street flowing east to west, a venerable crowd had gathered, making much noise and much frantic movements.

"Ah ha!" Matt said. "Something to occupy myself with!" He quickly dashed out of his room, through hsi living room, and was outside before he knew it. Cutting through the grass of several front yards, he was upon the crowd, and squeezed his way into the fray.

His eyebrow soon arched like everyone else's. In this circular crowd, on the cold street, some unknown man and some unknown woman were engaged in a barrage of passionate love-making, ignoring the comments of the crowd as they screwed like many screwdrivers. Matt frowned intensely. Now why the hell were they doing this in the middle of the street? Did they not care where they were? And as he thought this, a sharp, high-pitched laughter interrupted his thinking.

"Heeheeheehee! Such fun on a glorious level! My nipples explode with delight! Heeheeheehee!"

Matt's head snapped toward the source of the voice. And it was immensely disturbing. Perched calmly on a nearby streetlamp, unlight since it was still day, was a rotund sort of creature. Upon further inspection, Matt noticed that the thing was essentially a gray ball, with red hands and feet, but with no limbs to connect them to the main body, and a red heart plastered on its stomach. The creature also had rounded eyes similar to Yugi's, but these had blue pupils instead of purple ones. And already, the whole thing was irritating.

"What the hell?" Matt said. "Did you do this?"

The ball-monster chuckled even more. "Yes I did! Such wonderous, delightful follies this is! Heeheeheehee!"

"What the fuck are you, anyway?" Matt asked, lowering his guard slightly.

"Good question!" The thing jumped onto its feet and bowed. "I am the one and only Hart, dispatched by some crazy asshole to create chaos! Heeheeheehee!"

"Heart?"

"No, Hart. H-A-R-T. All right?" Now Hart pointed west. "Now I go to make some more invigorating delight! Heeheeheehee!" With that, the spherical creature leapt off of the streetlamp, landed on the street, and bounded away, cackling stupidly all of the while. For some reason, Matt felt the need to follow it. And so he did, leaving the crowd to their horny fun.

Soon, Matt was running at the side of Hart, trying vainly to keep up with it. "So," he panted, his jacket billowing in the wind, "you're going to create chaos?"

"Yes! Heeheeheehee!"

"How exactly do you create chaos? Do you blow stuff up, or what?"

Hart stopped in its leaping gait, and Matt barely was able to stop as well. "I make people fall in love! Heeheeheehee!"

Matt's eyes narrowed behind his glasses. He regarded Hart with his most sarcastic look. "That's it?"

"Yes! Heeheeheehee!"

"No fireballs of death? No swords raining down from the sky? No magical destroyer beam cannon? You make people fall in LOVE?"

Hart jumped up and down happily. "Yes! Very grand chaotic fun! Heeheeheehee!"

Matt mused over this for a minute. And as he did, an evil smile came to his lips. No one could best Matt when it came to evil machinations, except Darth Vader, of course. "All right, Hart," he said, smirking, "I'll make you a deal."

"A deal? Heeheeheehee?"

Matt nodded. "It's not too bad of a deal. All you have to do is not rain chaos upon random people. In exchange, I'll show you some excellent candidates to rain chaos over. Do you agree?"

The basketball on feet giggled. "Yes! Excellent, amazing, exhiliarating fun! Heeheeheehee! It's a deal! Heeheeheehee!" With that, Hart hopped over to Matt and took his hand, shaking it eagerly. Matt resisted a nervous sigh. This thing sure was odd. Oh, well. At least they both would have some fun. And Matt knew the exact victims to inspire terror within...

Soon, Hart and his dark lord were on the road, running down the length of the surburbs to a certain location. Hart seemed to enjoy the exercise throughly, while Matt could only remain going because of the growing excitement in his chest. In the meantime, the denim-clad teenager decided to ask some questions.

"So, Hart, can you do anything else besides make people fall in love?"

"What do you mean? Heeheeheehee?"

"You know, like any other special attacks. I saw a dude chop through a semi-truck with a messed-up fauchard once. Can you do that, or something else?"

"Well..." Hart thought hard for a minute. Then, finally, it answered, "I can make people fall in love! Heeheeheehee!"

"I'll take that as a no. Oh, well, we're here anyway."

"Here" was the somewhat infamous Kame Game Shop, infamous because it was the home of the famous Yugi Moto. He as well as Joey, Tristan, Tea, and Bakura, as well as the new figures Serenity Wheeler and Seto Kaiba were gathered outside of the entrance, apparently engaged in some sort of debate.

"I'm telling you, Kaiba," Tristan was saying as Matt and Hart approached, "the meaning of life is sugar! Just look at all of our famous figures in history! Most of them were on sugar!"

Kaiba laughed shortly. "Don't make me laugh! The meaning of life is indeed the number 42! Did you notice that many of the most influential figures in history died at 42?"

Finally, Yugi noticed Matt and his minion. "Hey! It's Matt!" His happy expression shifted to a sour one when he examined Hart. "Uh...what's that?"

"AUGH!" Joey hollered. "It's a weird-lookin' ball thing!"

Matt took this opportunity to cackle evilly. Being evil never felt so good. "Too true, Mr. Wheeler! This is Hart, and he shall be my ultimate weapon of venegance! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Serenity arched an eyebrow. "How so? And why are you laughing evilly?"

For a response, the dark lord merely snapped his fingers. "Hart! Have at them!"

"Yes, my lord! Heeheeheehee!" With that, Hart leapt into the air, toward the group. They gaped as the basketball creature it he drew its hands together, creating a bright pink glow around its palms, and pressed them at the company. "Passionate Persuasion! Heeheeheehee!" The glow shifted into a pink stream of energy, streaking toward a shocked Tea and Yugi.

Matt merely folded his arms, smirking as he watched his minion's magic pass through the two victims. This ought to be fun...

When the beam faded, both Tea and Yugi stood perfectly still for a moment. Then, just as Matt was fixing to nod off(it took very little for him to do so), the two turned to face each other. And as Yugi looked up to Tea's height, and she looked down to Yugi's their eyes glinted in that unmistakable glint of blooming love.

The rest of the group, Matt included, stared at the odd sight. Blushing slightly, Yugi held out his hand for Tea to take. "Will you dance with me?"

Tea nodded briefly. "Sure." And soon, the pair had collapsed into a full-fledged waltz.

"Matt!" Tristan shouted. "What did you do to them?!"

The boy in glasses smiled once more. "I did nothing. It was all Hart's fault."

"How is it Hart's fault?" Bakura demanded, choosing not to notice Tea and Yugi serenade by him.

"You see," Matt explained, gesturing to his giggling minion, "Hart here has the power to trigger intense emotional responses in one's brainwaves of passion."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kaiba snapped.

"I make people fall in love!" Hart shouted. "Heeheeheehee!"

"It's the most evillest power yet, except, of course, a magical destroyer beam cannon." Matt pointed his finger at the group. "Now, Hart, work that voodoo once more!" Immediately, Hart leapt up again, and blasted another Passionate Persuasion over to Serenity and Kaiba, giggling all of the while.

But Joey had other plans. Dashing forth, he managed to shove Serenity out of the way of the pink wrath, but not before taking it himself.

"Joey!" Serenity called to him from her position on the ground.

Matt paled. "What? No! This can't be!" This wasn't supposed to happen! Hart's Passionate Persuasuion had struck Joey and Kaiba! But that meant...

"Kaiba, you rich billionare you, wouldja like ta look at da clouds with me?" Joey asked the president of Kaiba Corporation, his tone far too exotic for Matt's tastes.

Kaiba smiled, nodding his head. "Of course." And so they settled on the pavement, using their arms for pillows, watching the clouds go by as Tea and Yugi stepped over them during a round of the tango.

"You unprecedented bastard!" Matt swore at Hart while Serenity was helped by Bakura and Tristan. "Why the hell did you zap them?"

Hart frowned, which was hard since technically it had no mouth. "I didn't do it on purpose, my lord! The other merely got in the way! Heeheeheehee!"

Meanwhile, Tristan was glaring at Matt, bitching at Hart, while Bakura stood by Serenity. "How in the hell did he find a creature that can make people fall in love?"

A quick flash, and the two uncorrupted individuals saw in horror that Yami Bakura had taken over regular Bakura once more. "I don't know," he hissed, "but I'll make sure that it dies along with his fucking master!" And with that, the tomb raider leapt into action, barrelling toward Matt.

Matt immediately stopped his complaining rant when he noticed Yami Bakura fly at him. "OH, SHIT! YAMI BAKURA! DO SOMETHING, HART!"

Yami Bakura did not fear many things. However, he was smart enough to quake as Hart jumped up, preapring to strike with its power. Instinctively, Yami Bakura retreated. This left a shocked Bakura to take the awesome power of Hart's Passionate Persuasuion all by himself. Matt could only watch, in dumbfounded amazement, as Bakura flashed his eyelids sensually. To himself...

"Oh, yami, I cannot be complete without you!" the white-haired boy said to no one.

At that time, Yami Bakura took over. "What are you talking about?" he asked, confusion etched on his face.

Another flash, and regular Bakura returned. "You know what I mean, yami," he cooed. "I must have you! Forever!"

Matt arched an eyebrow as Yami Bakura and regular Bakura switched back and forth, the spirit trying desperately to run from his light side even though they possessed the same body. "Oooooooooookay..."

Hart was now absolutely giddy. "Heeheeheehee! Such awesome, superb delight! Heeheeheehee! Let us rain chaos some more! Heeheeheehee!" The spherical creature turned its frenzied gaze toward Tristan and Serenity, the former having his arm protectively around the latter.

Matt mused for a minute. Tristan already loved Serenity. That he was certain of. And if Hart's Passionate Persuasion attack hit, then they both would truly be in love! The foundations of the entire world would crumble under such emotional strength! And Matt, even as evil as he was acting, was determined not to let that happen!

Tristan stood strong, unwavering, even as Hart's pink influence lashed at him. He would not submit willingly. So naturally he was surprised when the ultimate dark lord of them all ran directly at him, seperating the teenager from a surprised Serenity with a powerful shoulder. But as Tristan fell to the rocky ground, he still knew what Matt was up to. He planned to take the blow himself, along with Serenity.

"NOW," Matt screeched, spreading his arms, "MY MOMENT OF TRIUMPH IS NIGH! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He continued to laugh maniacally even as the Passionate Persuasion hit him. But when nothing changed, when he felt or believed nothing new, he stopped. "Huh? What happened?"

"It didn't work?" Serenity asked, relieved.

"It didn't?" Matt repeated. "Do you not feel anything toward me? Anything at all?"

Serenity shook her head. "No."

"DAMMIT!" Matt screamed. "HART! WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG?!"

Hart seemed truly shattered for a change. "I don't know...unless...heeheeheehee..."

"UNLESS WHAT?! CLARIFY THAT UNLESS!"

Hart settled on the ground. "My people pass down a legend. It speaks of a certain individual, reincarnated throughout eternity. It speaks of his amazing ability. A Passionate Persuasion cannot affect him, nor can any other man or woman fall for this particular person. They call him 'the Chosen One'. And, you are probably him...I'm sorry, my dark lord...heeheeheehee..."

Matt stood perfectly still for a moment, even with the dancing couples and the cloud-gazing gay guys. Then, he broke. "DAMN YOU, HORRIBLE FATES!" he shouted, bellowing to the heavens. "DAMN YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FUCKING EVIL DEEDS! WHY MUST I BE ETERNALLY DAMNED TO NEVER GET LAID?! WHY?!"

"My dark lord-" Hart began, but was interrupted as Matt roared in rage, running over to Hart.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING LITTLE BAG OF BALLS!"

And so, with a tire iron, Matt smashed Hart to unmistakable death, slamming his weapon repeatedly into the flesh of the creature. And all of the while, the denim-clad teenager shouted many profanities, some off of his head, and some he made up, like "FUCSHIDAMN!" and "SHITMONGER!". And when he had finished, Matt turned to the group, panting in exertion. And it was then that he noticed, in confusion, that everyone affected by Hart was normal once more, talking in confused tones.

"What happened?" Yugi asked to Tea. "What were we doing?"

"I dreamt that I was watchin' clouds..." Joey trailed.

"Why do you possess a bloody tire iron, Matt?" regular Bakura queried.

Quickly, Matt hid the iron. Apparently, when he killed Hart, the magic had ended its effect. "Um...you see..." And just then, Matt thought of a rather convincing story. "We were at a Repblican party meeting, and they tried to wipe your minds, but I beat them up with my trusty tire iron-" here Matt proudly displayed his weapon-"and we were released. Oh yeah, and George Bush got re-elected."

"NO!" Kaiba shouted, holding his head.

Of course, Tristan and Serenity were not convinced. "Yeah, right," they said simultaneously.

"Well, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it," Matt replied, folding his arms. "But let me tell you, such a horrible incident will never happen again. My days of evil are over."

"That's good," Serenity said, smiling.

"When did your days of evil start?" Tea asked.

"Hey, let's get some sodas!" Matt said suddenly. Agreeing, the group left for the nearest soda shop.

Little did they know that Hart's bloody pulp began to pull together like water, and one could hear an eccentric giggling...

* * *

NOTE: A fauchard is a medieval weapon, often converted from scythes by peasants. It basically is a long staff with a curved blade at the end. The dude chopping through a semi-truck was Ken from Shaman King.

Now, what's wrong in this chapter?

A. School had been convinently cancelled for the tournament.  
B. Matt discovered an odd little freak with the power to make people fall in love, and used it for weird brands of evil.  
C. There was no magical destroyer beam cannon.

If you guessed C, you're right! Something just HAD to blow up to make the chapter perfect.

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we trip the light fantastic with Chapter Seven: I'm Going To Mary-Sue Your Pants Off! 


	7. I'm Going To MARYSUE Your Pants Off!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: Because NO ONE DEMANDED IT! This chapter debuts an OC that will pop up from time to time in this fic while I insult everything that has to do with writing. The immortal Time Mage's character Kai Kaethen makes a guest appearance in this chapter, so let's give him some canned applause! And since Ralaxia's here as well, here's a hint as to her name: Fanfiction.Net is not the only place I post stories. Good hunting!

Just saw Super Saiyan Marik-I mean, the true form of Marik. But honestly, he looks like a fuckin' Super Saiyan! So that got me to thinking. How would he stack up against the competition? His stats are at the end of this chapter!

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

CHAPTER SEVEN: I'm Going To Mary-Sue Your Pants Off!  
_The wise author should know by now that omnipotent beings are bad for a good story. Omnipotent BITCHES are far worse._

"Greetings, Duelists, and welcome to Battle City Two," Kaiba had said on his gigantic floating godly blimp in the sky. "If you were lucky enough to participate in Battle City One, then shut your simple brains off for a minute while I explain things to the newcomers." And Kaiba had rambled on about the tournament. Matt tried to listen, but failed. The man was just too boring.

"So, how exactly does this work?" Matt asked Yugi. The entire group was cluster-fucked, along with lots of other people, in the heart of Domino City-a large central square that hosted several establishments and businesses like a vibrant district.

"Well," Joey stepped in, playing with his Duel Disk, "we wander around like idiots until an opponent comes by. We sling some cheap threats at 'em, den we shout, 'LET'S DUEL!' and duel dem. And we try to fight bad guys so we 'ave an interestin' plot."

Yugi sighed. "Just go around Battle City, Matt. You'll win nine locator cards soon enough."

"But he also has to ante up three rare cards per duel!" Tristan said.

Tea rubbed her chin. "The only rare card Matt really has is his Cyber Jar."

"What about my Summoned Skull and Tri-Horned Dragon?!" Matt snapped, only to calm down quickly. "Whatever. I'll see y'all later."

And so, Matt left his friends, intent on winning nine locator cards and acquiring a total of twenty-seven rare cards by the time he got to the finals. Of course, he also had to watch out for those pesky god cards and those other Millenium Items. Mental note, he said to himself. Find Yami Celebi and kick her ass...

***

Unbeknowest to Matt, Ralaxia had locked herself in an alleyway, wearing Rarity Seeker gear, studying him intently. She had wanted to take down Yugi Moto first, but there was something about this youth that intrigued her. Something that made her want to go "Ah-ooga!" So, readying her bitchy deck, she began to trail him.

***

Unbeknowest even to Ralaxia, yet another mysterious figure had locked himself in an alleyway, studying the woman wearing the Rarity Seeker gear. He had wanted to take down Joey Wheeler first, but there was something about this woman that intrigued him. Something that wanted to make him go "Ding dong!" So, readying his own bitchy deck, he began to trail her.

***

"La la la la la..." Matt hummed to himself, walking down the street. Actually, this humming was a distraction. It had only been three minutes, and he hadn't won a single card yet! If he waited any longer, he would get impatient! Of course, Matt was so busy humming that he failed to notice a sweeping shape in front of him. "Huh?" he went. "Who's that?" But as his face fell across the identity of the figure that stood before him, he forgot everything he knew.

It was a woman. Who actually was standing in front of Matt. This was an accomplishment in itself. But it wasn't just any woman. This particular female seemed to radiate an ancient aura, and yet her body clearly said eighteen years of age. Her black dress tightly covered her form, with many areas of desire whenever possible. Her toned dark body was matched only by her long black hair and her amazing green eyes, eyes that reflected the heritage of a feline. On her shoulders was a black cape, and on her arm was a Duel Disk. Another item of interest was a golden ankh that dangled around her neck, resembling a Millenium Item.

Matt, of course, was stammering at this female's slam-bang body as he tried to say something. "W-w-w-w-h-wh-wh-who-who ar-ar-ar-"

For an answer, the girl looked at him with serious eyes. "By the gods, it is true!"

"What?"

The woman sighed. "It's been so long, Matticus! For countless years I have waited for your return! For countless years I have waited to feel your strong, muscular, sexy body once more!"

Matt frowned. Okay, this woman was cracked. "Um, I think you got the wrong guy, lady." He shrugged. "But then again, why am I complaining-"

Ralaxia, the woman who had stopped Matt, frowned. Matticus was never this foward. This might not be the one she seeked! "You act different," she said.

"Of course. I'm weird and-"

"There is only one way to prove that you are Matticus!" With that, the chick snapped her arm foward. "If you can defeat my perfect body, my perfect deck, AND my perfect Millenium Item, you are truly Matticus!"

"WHO THE HELL IS MATTICUS? WHEN THE HELL DID YOU GET A MILLENIUM ITEM?" A pause. "WHY AM I COMPLAINING?! ALL RIGHT!"

"But," the woman suddenly added, smiling, "if I win, then you shall die!"

"Die?" Matt repeated. He paused for a minute. "Eh, I had a good run."

But all of a sudden, before Matt could launch his Duel Disk with debonair, a short laughter cracked the air. "If he loses, he dies? Honestly, you people just aren't creative any more."

The voice had come from behind the woman, so she had turned to look upon this new menace, and Matt had to peek over her shoulder in order to do the same thing. A adolescent male stood here, glaring down at Ralaxia with a hint of reckoning. He wore a black vest over his white shirt, and his black trousers were exceptionally baggy and wide. At the end of one arm was a sleek Duel Disk, already stacked for battle. His hair was spiked down his scalp, only to end in a long lock of hair that dangled three inches down his back. Both eyes of different colors, one a bluish-hazel and the other brown, were intently focused on the Rarity Seeker.

"Excuse me," Matt cut in, "but who the hell are you?"

The newcomer ignored him. Instead, he directed his comments at Matt's female adversary. "Now, if you WERE going to kill him, then you should just do it."

The woman scoffed. "I must test him first, little boy! Stay out of my way!"

The other grinned back. "Then why don't you test me first, Rare Hunter?"

"Rarity Seeker."

"What?"

"I am a Rarity Seeker. NOT a Rare Hunter."

"Well, you wear the cloak of a Rare Hunter. Therefore-"

"THEREFORE, I am a Rarity Seeker, which are exactly like the Rare Hunters, but since we're around, we're better! AND, I'm perfect, so-"

"It doesn't matter!" the boy snapped. "It's time to duel!"

Matt was fuming now. "HELLO?! I'M RIGHT HERE! WHO IN THE HELL ARE YOU TWO?! AND I DO BELIEVE I WAS CHALLENGED FIRST!"

Ralaxia glanced momentarily at Matt before facing her new opponent once more. "If you truly are Matticus, then a few more minutes will mean nothing compared to 5000 years. And I am Ralaxia, the most perfect RARITY SEEKER the world has seen!"

The vested one nodded in determination. "I am Kai Kaethen. And I shall defeat you, RARE HUNTER! Prepare to duel!"

Matt stood on the sidelines, thinking two main thoughts as the warriors launched the holographic projectors from their Duel Disks. The first was that HE had wanted to fight this perfect Rare Hunter-er, Rarity Seeker. Who the hell did this Kai think he was, anyway?

The second, more important thought was one concerning beer. Or, even more importantly, about the true identity of this Rarity Seeker. Never before had he heard a name such as Ralaxia, and yet some part of his long gone mind clicked when he heard it again. And why did she call him Matticus? What the hell did this all mean? And where was his beer?

Kai: 4000/Ralaxia: 4000

"Ladies first," Ralaxia said before Kai could speak, and drew a card(Gravekeeper's Guard)to add to her hand(Mystical Elf, Enchanted Javelin, Pyramid Energy, Sebek's Blessing, Dian Keto the Cure Master). She had to do this quickly, then fight her supposed love one to test his mettle. "For my first perfect move, I'm playing Dian Keto the Cure Master, which will allow me to gain 1000 Life Points!" The green-robed man soon appeared, and tossed a glowing orb into the sky, which soon exploded into a shower of sparks over Ralaxia's hood.

Kai: 4000/Ralaxia: 5000

"Next, I'll place two cards face-down and a monster(Mystical Elf) in defense mode." The familiar brown-backed cards materialized near Ralaxia's feet.

Kai glanced warily at his total draw(Chaos Magician, Cost Down, Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer, Shadow Spell, Breaker the Magic Warrior, Dark Magician) and weighed his options. Those two cards were some sort of trap, so he should set one up as well. "I place one card face down and summon Breaker The Magic Warrior(1600/1000) in attack mode!" A red-armored warrior appeared, hoisting a shield and sword in his hands. "With the magic counter he recieves, his attack power jumps to 1900. However, I can use it to destroy a magic or trap card on the field, which I'll do now!" Breaker's sword glowed blue, and then a burst of the same colored light shrieked over to Ralaxia's Pyramid Energy, obliterating it.

"NO FAIR!" Ralaxia shouted.

Kai arched an eyebrow. "It's perfectly fair. Breaker's ability allows me to do that."

"It's not that." The Rarity Seeker smiled sweetly. "The perfect duelist isn't supposed to lose any cards."

"Well," Kai declared, "you did! Now, Breaker the Magic Warrior, attack her defense monster!" At once, wind kicked up as Kai's spellcaster rushed to do battle with her creature.

Ralaxia released a cackle. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! You've fallen for my trap! First, I'll activate Enchanted Javelin, which gives me Life Points based on the attack power of your monster!" A lightly colored javelin appeared, slamming its way through Breaker's chest nonstop. "And, you've attacked my Mystical Elf(800/2000), which will stop your attack!" Kai watched, shocked, as the resulting blue-skinned lady held up a tender hand, blocking Breaker's blade with a magic aura.

Kai: 3600/Ralaxia: 6600

Matt frowned. This guy just walked into that one!

Kai snorted. "Fine, make your move."

Ralaxia smiled back(Gravekeeper's Chief). "I will. Now I'll sacrifice my Mystical Elf for Gravekeeper's Chief(2400/1700)!" With a flourish of hippie-inspired light, a white-green robed man brandishing a staff ascended from his holographic card, the Mystical Elf dissolving into nothingness. "And thanks to my perfect move beforehand, your warrior is defenseless! Gravekeeper's Chief, attack!"

Kai grinned triumphantly. "You must be losing your touch, mysterious woman I've just met! I was expecting an attack! Activate Shadow Spell!" As the trap card appeared, black chains launched from its image, wrapping digilently around a struggling chief. The newcomer folded his arms. "Shadow Spell not only stops your attack, but it lowers your monster's attack power by 700 points!"

Ralaxia swore to herself. She was going to activate Sebek's Blessing in order to gain more Life Points, but that plan was ruined! Now her Gravekeeper's Chief was at 1700 attack points, and vulnerable to an counterstrike!

The vested one drew his new card with a flourish, seeing as how Ralaxia dimly signaled for him to move(Nobleman of Crossout). Adding this to his hand, he slid a new card into his Magic/Trap slot and Dark Magician into his graveyard slot. "Now I play Cost Down! By discarding a card from my hand, I am able to lower the level of all mosnters in my hand by two. Therefore, I lower their summoning cost. So, I'll play Chaos Magician(2400/1900) for free!" A black-clothed Dark Magician variant wavered into place next to Breaker the Magic Warrior. Kai lashed at his opponent. "Now, Chaos Magician, attack!" The spellcaster swung his staff, and a black bolt of power crashed into the Gravekeeper's Chief. "Go, Breaker the Magic Warrior!" Ralaxia held up her arms protectively as the red magician slashed his sword through her perfect body.

Kai: 3600/Ralaxia: 4300

Matt clapped lightly as if he was watching a round of golf. This Kai kid knew what he was doing, that's for sure. Now, if the moron hadn't interrupted him, then he would be in Matt's cool book.

The Egyptian whore glared at her opponent. "You may have gotten the come-uppance on that one, but I assure you! My training as one of the Most Awesome Really Yearning Super Ultimate Elite cannot fail me now!"

"What the hell is a Most...whatever the hell you said?" Matt queried. He soon sighed in exasperation as the woman looked at him longingly.

"The many years have clouded your memories, Matticus," she said. "Long before I was involved with a certain ancient pharoah bastard('That sounds familiar,' Matt thought), and before I was involved with a certain ancient tomb robber bastard('That sounds even more familiar,' Matt thought), I was part of a most prestigious society. The Most Awesome Really Yearning Super Ultimate Elite raised all of their women to be absolutely, positively perfect in mind, body, and soul. They were also trained to use their own special Millenium Items created just for them. However, I never graduated the acedemy, so I never got a Millenium Item." Ralaxia assumed a bold glare toward Kai, fire in her eyes. "But once I defeat you, Kai Kaethen, the MARYSUE will reward me well!"

"But you already have the Millenium Key," Matt said, pointing to the woman's pendant.

"So?"

"Then draw and show me what you're made of!" Kai replied.

Ralaxia said nothing at first, but upon her draw(Snatch Steal), she cackled again. "Yes! I've drawn the card that shall engineer your defeat! I play Snatch Steal!" From the image of the newest magic card burst forth a man clutching some sort of satchel. He ran fast circles around Kai's Chaos Magician, slowly dragging him to the witch. "Snatch Steal allows me to take control of one of your monsters by giving you 1000 Life Points per Standby Phase! And now I can use your own monster to destroy you, after I play a monster(Gravekeeper's Guard) in defense mode." A new brown-backed card showed up next to the brainwashed Chaos Magician. With that, Ralaxia shouted, "Now, attack Breaker the Magic Warrior! Shadow Lightning!" Breaker recoiled as the familiar bolt struck.

Kai: 2800/Ralaxia: 4300

Matt sighed again, this time in annoyance. WHY again could he not play this duel?

Kai grimaced to himself at the situation. This was not good. Even though he gained Life Points due to Snatch Steal's effect, he had nothing left to fight back with. The only monster he had was Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer, and that wasn't strong enough to whack his now-evil Chaos Magician. It looked like this MARYSUE was going to end his Battle City experience...

"Hey, kid!"

Kai looked up from the ground, over to Matt. A determined look glanced across his face. During Kai's moment of indesicion, Matt had decided to support the guy, even if he did steal his duel. "You don't have to take this shit!" he shouted. "You can kick her ass easy! There's just one thing you have to do!"

"What?" Kai shouted back. Matt simply smiled.

"Cheat," he mouthed. "That is the only way."

Kai blinked for a minute, then nodded. "All right, Ralaxia," he declared, "I'm not done yet! I've got a move that'll vanquish you in no time at all!"

Ralaxia laughed shortly. "Don't make me retch! None of your monsters can take down my Chaos Magician!"

"We'll see about that," the other whispered. His breath caught in his throat, he drew. Three times(Dark Hole, Monster Reborn, Premature Burial). "Yes! Ready, Ralaxia? This is where you fall!"

"Bring it!"

"With pleasure!" Kai yelled, slamming all three new cards into his Duel Disk. "I play Dark Hole, to destroy all monsters on the field!" The Rarity Seeker gaped as a swirling vortex of darkness appeared in the sky, sucking up all. Both sides stood their ground as Ralaxia's two creatures flew into the heavens and knew no more.

"You destroyed my monsters!" Ralaxia gasped. "That's not fair! I'm supposed to be perfect!"

Kai grinned. "It matters not! For now, my Monster Reborn and Premature Burial will resurrect my Dark Magician and Chaos Magician!" In a flash, both magicians returned, their arms folded.

"Oh, no!" Ralaxia shouted.

"Oh, YES! Dark Magic and Shadow Lightning attack!" And as the bolt of darkness struck the Rarity Seeker, followed with a dark shattering, she could only scream in pain.

Kai: 2000/Ralaxia: 0

Matt clapped at a normal tone this time. Kai sure pulled his ass out of the proverbial frying pan for this one. Of course, without Matt's advice, he would have lost.

"Impossible..." Ralaxia whispered as the holograms faded into nothingness. "I lost..."

"You lost because you believe yourself to be perfect," Matt stepped in, moving up to join the duo. "No one is perfect. Especially not Kai-he had to cheat in order to defeat you." The newcomer grimaced when that sentence drew a look of pure hatred toward him from the woman he just defeated.

"Don't blame me!" he protested, raising his arms for defense. "Matt told me to!"

Ralaxia snapped her dark gaze at Matt now, whose face had freaked out like Kai's. "This isn't over!" she hissed. "You may be Matticus, my dear, but I warn you-do not show your face again, or I will be forced to destroy you!" She straightened tightly. "And now, I must make my exit. Huzzah!" With that, she dashed off down the street they were on.

Matt arched an eyebrow at the retreating sight. "Oooooooookay...that was weird." He turned to face Kai. "Now, what's your name again, kid?"

"Kai Kaethen."

"Very nice. I'm Matt Willard." The denim-clad duelist bowed briefly. "Now, kid, let me tell you a few things. One, when someone is in a duel or about to go into a duel, DO NOT INTERFERE. Okay?"

Kai blinked. "Uh, sure..."

"Two. When I'M going into a duel, DO NOT INTERFERE or I will have to kick your ass. All right?"

"The only reason I interfered," Kai objected, folding his arms, "was that I have heard about some evil business here in Battle City Two. I have dedicated myself to stopping it."

Matt nodded. "That's all right, I guess. I'm here on the same thing. Listen, since we're doing the same stuff, you wants to tag along or something? We can back each other up."

However, Kai shook his head. "Nah. I don't want to pass my troubles onto other people. Besides, I've heard of you as well, Matt Willard. You, apparently, can annoy anyone to death..."

Matt grinned. "Too true! Ah, well, if ya need to get me, I'll be around. See ya."

And with that, Matt walked off into that proverbial sunset, even though it was daytime. Kai watched him go with one thought.

"I need a beer..."

* * *

Much apologies to the reviewers who submitted their characters.

Now, what's wrong in this chapter?

A. Ralaxia was amazingly a gorgeous, intellegent, Millenium Item-wielder who could duel, too.  
B. Kai Kaethen just stepped out of nowhere and barged in on Matt's duel.  
C. Matt was never strong, muscular, and sexy.

If you guessed C, you're right! Never in a million years could Matt be a babe magnet. Well, he COULD, but only if chicks were made of metal and his colon was positively charged.

Here we go! Super Saiyan Marik's statistics as I see them. If you want to bitch at me about it, then go right ahead.

Name: Super Saiyan Marik  
Power Level: 7,500,000  
Style: Kung-Fu  
Energy: Ki  
Special Attacks: None  
Special Techniques: Mind Control. Marik uses Mind Control to take over minions to fight for him, and in a pinch, he can temporarily absorb the powers of his servants, assuming their special attacks and other powers.  
Seeing this dude fight Perfect Cell would be quite entertaining. Hey, maybe it'll happen in CROSSFIRE!...

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we draw a line in the sand with Chapter Eight: Aaron Spelling Errors. 


	8. Aaron Spelling Errors

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: All right, all right, this chapter actually has the least amount of crap in it pertaining to the title. This chapter was written mostly to introduce a certain new character. If you've read IceRoseDragonGurl's "10 Ridiculous Duels You'll Never Get To See", you'll know that it's Szarbarus, a.k.a. Yami Tea! She's too damn cool to pass up, so IceRose has so graciously allowed me to write her in! Be sure to read her stuff-The Fuck You Bitch, You're DEAD! card shall make an appearance, probably in the story "12 Ridiculous Duels You'll Never Get To See" that she'll be writing. To quote Duke Devlin, big ups to you, IceRose, and be glad I didn't create Szarbarus first!

Oh, yeah-WHY, exactly, did Konami choose to rename "Magic Cards" to "Spell Cards"? Did it involve an issue with Wizards of the Coast and their Magic: The Gathering product or what? I'm just asking since "Spell Card" sounds a lot dumber than "Magic Card".

Now, on with the show!

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

CHAPTER EIGHT: Aaron Spelling Errors  
_The wise author knows that a strong command of the spelling of words is not only desirable for excellent fiction, but also that cruapai spelin juhs sux._

Szarbarus smiled from inside of the Millenium Puzzle. All was going according to plan. Any moment now, her assosciate would arrive, and then she would be free once more. The harpy quietly played with a single claw as she leaned on the wall of the shadow cell. It had taken her quite some effort to procure such an assisstant in order to aid her for this task, seeing as how she was stuck in this damn box. Long ago, back in the days of ancient Egypt, she required no help. Of course, that was all before the trouble started.

Szarbarus was a Harpie Lady. But not just any Harpie Lady. Oh, no! This particular Harpie Lady was known as the Harpy of Darkness, a title well deserved because of the fact that she liked to "moider" people. Five thousand years ago, she was the sole scourge of the earth...except for those pesky Egyptian Gods, of course. She remembered smacking Obelisk once for groping her. And, of course, the Pharoah of Egypt eventually kicked her ass and sentenced her to eternal boredom within the Millenium Puzzle.

She could return. All she had to do was somehow place the Millenium Puzzle around the neck of a person, and latch onto their darkness, no matter how small. From there she could feed. Feed on the darkness and allow it to overtake her host until she was free once more! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Szarbarus rolled her eyes suddenly. Man, she was getting weird...

***

"Well, that was fun," Yugi said with a smirk, examining his new Dragon Right with a trained eye. The group of Yugi, Joey, Tristan, and Tea were busily roaming Battle City Two, and Yugi had just fought a supposed "Rarity Seeker". This shameless ripoff of a Rare Hunter apparently possessed a powerful monster known as Dragon Right, which was a new brand of God card, and after Yugi drop-kicked his ass, the duelist took the card for his own.

"Who knew that a cannibal Duelist packed one of the most powerful God cards since last week?" Tristan asked.

"At least ya won it before he tried ta bite your arm off," Joey remarked.

"Dragon Right(Dragon-Type/Fire/4 Stars/ATK 3000/DEF 3000)," Yugi read off of his card. "If Dragon Left and Dragon Center are on the field with this card, you may place a Draconic Champion token(Dragon-Type/Light/12 Stars/ATK 9000/DEF 9000) in play. As long as Dragon Right remains on the field, you must hold out your right arm at all times, even when drawing or playing a card. If you cannot hold out your right arm or do not have one, sacrifice Dragon Right."

"That card's going to be hard to control," Tea was saying as she walked foward. However, this path took her face directly into the chest of some stranger. "OW! Dammit," she snapped, looking up, "watch where you're-"

She paused as soon as she got a closer look at the stranger's face. He was a tall boy, and his face clearly imitated his tough appearance. Loose blue jeans flowed down to the ankles of the brown boots he wore. A heavy jacket of red and green draped over his shoulders, with the zipper open to reveal an Exodia emblazoned shirt. The boy's blond hair rose from his forehead in many spikes, continuing in this fashion down to his neck. A dark blue Duel Disk clamped to his right wrist.

Tea flushed, and began to apologize immediately. "Oops, sorry! My fault!"

The boy studied this girl for a minute with green eyes. "Duel," he finally said.

"What did you say?" Tristan demanded, he and his friends rushing up to join the encounter.

The boy glanced momentarily at the other males. "You heard me." He returned his dark gaze to Tea, who was on the verge of freaking out. "She rudely bumped into me. I demand retribution. She must duel me. Now."

"Tea doesn't have to duel you!" Yugi cut in, but Tea waved him away.

"No, Yugi," she replied. Bravely she looked up at the other boy. "I have to fight this one. Who are you, anyway?"

With that, the boy suddenly entered a very queer pose. "I am called Rayde! I am the world's most renowned Exodia duelist!" He started to cackle. "And you've fallen into my trap! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Joey rolled his eyes. "Man, dis guy's gettin' weird..."

Tea, however, was not in such a joke-making mood. "Ex...Exodia duelist?"

"You know, a guy who duels with Exodia?" Rayde grinned. "Oh well. It doesn't matter, since I'll defeat you anyway." Suddenly, the boy gestured to the Millenium Puzzle. "But maybe if you wore that pendant, then you might have a chance."

Yugi protectively wrapped his hands around his Puzzle. "Why do you think that?"

"Look, we need something for the plot to go on, so just hand it to her, all right?"

"Is it okay, Yugi?" Tea asked.

After deliberating for a moment, Yugi finally nodded. "Sure, I guess. But be careful."

***

Szarbarus eagerly clacked her claws together. "Do it..." she whispered. "Do it!"

***

Tea draped the rope of the Millenium Puzzle around her neck, and now the thing was dangling innocently. For now. Determined, she faced Rayde. "All right, Rayde, it's time to duel."

"Oh, it's time all right," Rayde replied, smiling evilly, "but not to duel. It's time for the empress of all darkness to return!" With that, he stepped backward.

"What's he talking about?" Tristan asked, confused.

Suddenly, Tea groaned, and doubled over, holding her hands to her head. Anguish swam around her body, and in her mind, a chilling laughter echoed. Her eyes closed tight, the young woman began to pant, pain noticable only to her beginning to take hold.

"Tea!" Yugi immediately shouted. "What's wrong with you?"

For an answer, Tea curled her fingers, only to straighten them again as thick, inch-long talons erupted from her digits. "I...don't know..." she gasped, an action repeated when three pearly claws tore from the toes of her boots.

Suddenly, Yami Yugi appeared next to Yugi, Tristan, and Joey, amazingly in a flesh-based form and garbed similar to his vessel. "It's just as I feared."

"Yami?!" Yugi shouted. "How did you do that?"

"Plot hole," Tristan suggested, a professional look on his face.

Yami Yugi ignored this, and looked back to Tea, whose sleeves had been shredded with the mutation, with a fan of black raven feathers beginning to spread from her lower back. "Never mind how I did it. Yugi, I have a confession to make. Five thousands years ago, when the Egyptian Gods ravaged the earth, there was one other monster that I was eventually able to defeat and seal within the Millenium Puzzle."

"Who?" Yugi demanded.

The eyes of the Pharoah narrowed. "Szarbarus. The Harpy of Darkness. She was safe in the Millenium Puzzle until Tea put it on. I did not realize her power was potent even in my item."

"What power?" Joey asked.

"The power to take over others in order to return to flesh." Yami closed his eyes from the sight. "She could not take you over, Yugi, since you are already preoccupied with myself, so I imagine that she bided her time until a suitable host came along, one with darkness worth exploiting. That host was Tea, I'm afraid."

"And yet," a voice spoke, "she's absolutely perfect as a vessel for which to herald my glorious return!" All turned to look at a hunched over Tea, very disfigured and twisted with her corruption, her tattered clothing singing in the wind. She still held claws to her head, but her eyes were open, burning with a hellish light this side of a light bulb. "And you, Pharoah, can do nothing to stop it!" Laughing, the female threw her head back and her arms wide, rows of black feathers leaping from those arms, all visible skin melting to a darkened green color.

Suddenly, Matt Willard walked up. "Hey, heroes, I found some chips and-WHAT IN THE SWEET NAME OF FRITO LAY IS THAT?!" he shouted, pointing a finger at Tea's damnation.

"Harpy of Darkness," Yugi summuriazed. "Ancient evil female bitch."

"And don't forget me, Rayde, supreme Exodia duelist!" Rayde shouted.

When all was said and done, Tea was about 97 percent Tea no more. Her boots and medium-length skirt were essentially rendered useless, so almost nothing covered her sinuous green legs and sharp claws. The same went for her arms, flanked by black wings ending at her back, with a half-ring of feathers developing from there as well. As a matter of fact, the only thing that still looked like Tea was her face, but even this was surrounded by wild red and blue hair, her once innocent eyes slathering like hellfire.

"Ooooooooooooookay," Tristan drew out. "I hereby present every demon fanboy's dream."

"Tea..." Yugi breathed, utterly shocked. "What's happened to you?"

The thing that was Tea emitted a short, rasping laugh, and her following voice was tinted with a chilling echo. "Tea had to take a breather. Now, I am only Szarbarus."

"Shitfire and fuck-me-rummy," Matt spat. "Wait, what's a Szarbarus?"

"Weren't ya listenin'?" Joey angrily responded. "It's a fuckin' Harpy of Darkness!"

"All right," Rayde said suddenly, turning to face Szarbarus, "I did what you wanted. Now give me what I want."

"Wait a minute!" Yami interrupted. "You were in league with her all along, weren't you? YOU-"here he pointed at Szarbarus-"were just waiting for HIM-"here he pointed at Rayde-"to come along and challenge Tea so that YOU-"the finger jumped at Szarbarus again-"could take over when HE-"the finger drifted to Rayde-"suggested for Tea to put on the Millenium Puzzle!"

Szarbarus rolled her eyes. "Well, duh. Now as for you," she started, glancing at Rayde, "you will get your money. But only after you defeat the Pharoah."

"WHAT?!" Rayde immediately countered. "He'll slaughter me!"

"No shit, Sherlock!" Matt yelled at the blonde. "She may have been out of action for 5000 years, but she's not stupid!"

"Well," Rayde declared, activating his Duel Disk, "I'll defeat the Pharoah anyway so that I can be filthy rich! Prepare to duel!"

With that, Yugi disppeared, and Yami was in his place, armed with his Duel Disk. "Very well!" he answered, launching his own equipment. "And if I win, you will release Tea from your hold!"

The Harpy of Darkness folded her muscled arms. "Honestly, you must think very little of me, Pharoah. It will make me feel a lot better when Rayde defeats you."

Yami: 4000/Rayde: 4000

"You can go first, Pharoah!" Rayde declared.

Yami said nothing and drew(Gazelle the King of Mythical Beasts, Freezing Beast, Mirror Force, Mystical Elf, Dust Tornado, Monster Reborn). "I'll place two cards face-down(Mirror Force and Dust Tornado) and summon Gazelle the King of Mythical Beasts(1500/1200) in attack mode!" In front of two brown-backed cards appeared a tan furred lion-like creature, wearing a shaggy brown mane. "And I'll end my turn."

Rayde smiled as he glanced at his hand(Suangahn, Sordedus ov Ruhvialen Leiaght, Earethahbaunad Speearat, Reaigecky Brayk, Leyft Armah ov De Fourbidan Un, Mhan Eetr Bugh). "I'll also throw a card face-down(Reaigecky Brayk) and a monster in defense mode(Mhan Eetr Bugh), ending my turn!" Two cards appeared near Rayde's feet.

Eyeing those cards suspiciously, Yami drew(Burning Beast). He couldn't risk his Freezing Beast/Burning Beast combination yet, so he decided to resort to another tactic, sliding his Mystical Elf(800/2000) on his Duel Disk. "First, I place a monster in defense mode, then I'll attack with my King of the Mythical Beasts!" On his command, Gazelle dashed foward.

"Nice try, Pharoah!" Rayde declared as a huge brown insect materialized. "But you've attacked my Mahn Eetr Bugh!"

"Your what?" Yami asked, arching an eyebrow at the odd pronunciation.

"I believe he means 'Man Eater Bug'," Szarbarus explained, smirking. "You see, his awful pronunciation is due to the fact that his entire deck is composed of misspelled cards!"

"NO!" shouted Tristan.

"And when Rayde's opponents become confused," the Harpy continued, "he can easily defeat them! You can't win now, Pharoah!" And with that, Gazelle was blown into digital bits along with the Bugh.

"We might 'ave a problem," Joey said.

"Damn straight, we might have a problem!" Matt quickly shouted back.

Upon drawing(Shamsuki Samuai), Rayde quickly made his action. "I'll unleash my Suangahn(1000/600) to the field!" Instantly, a fuzzy three-eyed beast showed up to the party.

Yami hastily pressed a button on his Duel Disk. "I'll activate Dust Tornado, which'll destroy your face-down card!" A sweeping tornado streaked after Rayde's card, but he had other plans.

"I'll just activate the card you were about to destroy: Reaigecky Brayk!" Rayde smirked as explosions suddenly littered the field, sending the Pharoah to cover his face defensively. "This card not only negates yout Dust Tornado, but it'll also destroy your defense monster!" As a particularly large explosion struck Yami's defense card, the Mystical Elf appeared briefly before dissipating to the winds.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" the hateful Szarbarus laughed. "It looks like your time is up, Pharoah!"

"Now, Suangahn," ordered Rayde, "attack!" With that, the fuzzball launched itself at Yami, but before it could reach him, a aura of glimmering light shone around the duelist. As soon as Suangahn touched it, it blew up. Rayde blinked in disbelief. "WHAT?! How did that happen?"

Yami grinned. "Simple. I activated Mirror Force, which protected me from your Saungahn's attack and destroyed it as well!"

Rayde snarled, but that snarl soon turned to a smile as he searched his deck. "Yes, but Saungahn's effect allows me to search my deck for a monster with 1500 attack points or less!" Adding Reighat Armah ov De Fourbidan Un to his hand, the Exodia duelist fixed Yami with a steely eye. "This duel ain't over yet, Pharoah!"

"And when it is," Szarbarus added, the harpy spreading her arms eagerly, "you will die at my hands! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"What a bunch of fuckholes..." Matt muttered.

"I heard that."

* * *

Now, what's wrong in this chapter?

A. Rayde's cards suffered from a case of bad spelling-itis.  
B. Yami could not appear unless Yugi was wearing the Millenium Puzzle.  
C. The males were not slobbering at Szarbarus.

If you guessed C, you're right! Szarbarus may be an ancient evil Duel Monster, but DAMN, she's fine as a motherfucker! Those guys were either gay or too damn stupid to gawk at her!

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we rock the casbah with Chapter Nine: Drama King Of Queens.


	9. Thorny Crossovers

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: HA! You thought this chapter was going to be titled "Drama King of Queens", didn't you? Well, you were WRONG! MUWAHAHAHAHA! The truth is, I thought about it, and decided on this one instead. Shaman King is my new obsession, so I threw it in just because. And, since "what-if" stories with such crossovers are frequent these days. Enjoy!

Speaking of Shaman King, WB won't show Marik's knife attachment on the Millenium Rod, but on the Fox Box, Ren can say, "Look at the stipulations in my abs!" They show the guy bare-chested too much. Honestly! What the hell is wrong here, peoples? But hey-Lei Pailong and Rio are cool, so I won't complain yet.

Oh yeah-Gelatinous Fiend, as you'll see later, is not a real card. I made it up. The data is at the end of the chapter.

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

CHAPTER NINE: Thorny Crossovers  
_The wise author uses crossovers sparingly. Sure, they provide interesting counterpoints, fun reactions, and new threats to crusade against. But in the end, it doesn't add up to much pizza._

Kai Kaethen arched an eyebrow. "So, who are you again? And who exactly is behind you?"

The adolescent male walking to his side grinned goofily. He wore long black pants hovering over his sandals, and a white shirt with rolled up sleeves, also currently unbuttoned, revealing his bare chest. Orange and white headphones clamped over his ears, flanked by wild black hair, his eyes sort of lazy and half-open. "I'm Yoh, remember? And Amidamaru's behind me."

"Yeah, about that," Kai said, scratching his head. "You say he's back there, but the thing is, I can't see him. Is he imaginary or what?"

"I am not imaginary!" a miffed warrior floating on air snorted, a tattered robe of gray cloaking him, red shoulder pads surrounding him. His hands hovered near sets of sheathed katanas, ready and waiting on his belt. His long white hair had been tamed into a ponytail dancing behind his scalp. However, Kai did not listen to this warrior, who by Yoh's description was called Amidamaru.

"Amidamaru's right. He's real. You just can't see him," the rather short kid trailing Kai's left side replied. The famed Yugi Moto may be short, but he had nothing compared to this guy, whose dwarfism had dwarfism. His rather tiny frame was clothed by the typical school uniform of Japan, a neat imitation of Yoh's garb. "You see, Amidamaru's a ghost. He was an ancient samurai warrior who fought and died hundreds of years ago."

"Who are you again?" was Kai's question.

"I'm Morty! Geez, where have you been?"

"Anyway," Yoh cut in, "I can see him because I'm a shaman. I can speak and work with spirits. And Amidamaru's my bud and my partner as I fight for the title of Shaman King!" He immediately assumed a goofy pose. It was good that Kai could not see the deaseced samurai, because he copied the same pose Yoh put on with amusement.

"And there's a tournament every 500 years to find this king, I know," Kai finished. "But if you're not a shaman, Morty, how come you can see him?"

Morty grew red. "Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know. It just happened."

"AAAAAAUGH!" Amidamaru suddenly hollered, pointing in front of the travelers. "GIANT MONSTER!"

Kai looked in that direction. His eyes promptly widened. Man, what a scene! Cluster-fucked ahead was Yugi Moto, locked in a duel with some other duelist. The duelist's Sangan suddenly rushed foward, but was repelled and destroyed by a magic barrier Yugi set up. Mirror Force, it seemed like. "Don't worry," Kai explained. "It's not real. It's just a sharp as hell game we like to play in these times, Duel Monsters."

Morty was now studdering. "Well, if those monsters aren't real, then who's that?"

All promptly freaked out as they set their sights on the damned soul formerly known as Tea, corrupted beyond all measures.

Looking harder, Kai noticed Matt Willard. "Well, I'm going to find out." And he rushed over, his new friends following him.

Matt Willard arched an eyebrow as the one and only Kai Kaethen ran up to greet him, flanked by two newcomers, one who was extremely small. "Hey, Kai," he said confusedly, noting the odd appearance of Kai's followers. "Who are these?"

"Never mind that," said Kai. "What's going on here?"

And Matt quickly explained the whole situation, introducing Kai to everyone present, talking about Rayde, and noting with distaste the presence of Szarbarus, who currently held Tea in her grip. "And I like cheese," Matt finished. "So what about you?"

And Kai quickly explained his own situation, discussing about Yoh and Morty, convincing them about Amidamaru, and what their purpose was. "And I like cheese, too," Kai finished. "So Yami's fighting an Exodia duelist?"

"They haven't lost any Life Points yet," Tristan replied, "but someone will soon."

"An' Yugi's gonna kick dis guy's ass!" Joey declared.

"Can we PLEASE get on with this duel?" Rayde shouted, annoyed. He returned a cruel smirk to Yami. "It's your turn."

Yami smiled as he drew(Horn of the Unicorn). "That's good. In case you haven't noticed, Rayde, you're utterly defenseless right now."

"He's right!" Szarbarus hissed. "Why didn't you play your Swords of Revealing Light?"

"It's not 'Swords of Revealing Light'!" Rayde countered. "It's 'Sordedus ov Ruhvialen Leiaght'!"

"She's right. You should have played it." Yami grinned. "Now you can't stand up to my assualt! I summon Freezing Beast(1500/1000) in attack mode!" From the resulting card came a medium-sized ice cube, convienently shaped to appear like a spiked monster. "And I'll add Horn of the Unicorn, raising my Freezing Beast's attack power by 700 points!" Yami added, slamming in the new card. Spider thread cracks burst on the forehead of Yami's monster(2200/1000), and a golden horn promptly erupted from the gap. "Now attack! Thundering Cold!"

Rayde recoiled in pain as Freezing Beast generated a storm of icicles charged with electricity, each one slamming into him.

Yami: 4000/Rayde: 1800

"BOOYAH!" Yoh shouted happily, earning him odd looks from Morty and Amidamaru. "He smoked him!"

"Why are you so happy?" the samurai behind him asked, confounded. "What's going on, exactly?"

Matt rolled his eyes. "Honestly, must I explain everything?"

"Yes." Amidamaru said.

"ANYWAY," said Matt, "whenever a monster attacks a duelist directly, with no monsters to stop it, the attack points of that monster is subtracted from the duelist's Life Points. Whomever loses all of their Life Points loses the duel. Got it?"

"No." Amidamaru said.

"I give up!" Matt threw his arms in the air. "Why do I bother explaining a card game to some old dead dude, anyway?"

"IT'S MY TURN!" Rayde screamed, still intensely annoyed by the constant interruptions. Angrily, he pulled his card(Ecksohthah De Fourbidan Un), but his frown soon turned upside down. "Ha! I've managed to draw the head of Ecksohthah De Fourbidan Un! Once I have all of the pieces, I can summon my ultimate beast!" Grinning evilly, Rayde slammed two card onto or into his Duel Disk. "I'll play Sordedus ov Ruhvialen Leiaght, freezing the Freezing Beast for three turns! Heh!"

Glowing swords rained from the sky, and Yami looked around, astonished, as they surrounded him and his chilling creature. "Oh, that's just great!"

"It's about time you played that," Szarbarus snorted.

"And," Rayde smirked, "just in case you all thought that I was going to risk my Sordedus, I'll also summon a monster in defense mode(Earethahbaunad Speearat)!" The familiar brown-backed card materialized in front of the Swords, protecting Rayde.

"So? Yami can still attack and win," Amidamaru said.

Joey gave the spirit the most harsh look he could muster, which missed its target since he had no clue where Amidamaru was. "Not if Rayde has a MONSTER in play! Dat can stop Yugi's attack, but HE CAN'T ATTACK ANYWAY, due ta Swords of Revealin' Light!"

"Ah ah ah," tsked Szarbarus sarcastically. "It's 'Sordedus ov Ruhvialen Leiaght'."

Yami growled. This was not good. Rayde had trapped him, and now had gained even more time to gather Exodia! And if Rayde won, he couldn't free Tea! And what was the deal with this Yoh and his 'spirit'? Was Amidamaru like Yami was to Yugi? Shaking off silly questions, the Pharoah took his card(Buster Blader) and considered his move. Since he couldn't attack, he couldn't equip Burning Beast to Freezing Beast, since to activate their effect, he had to attack. And attacking would be useless, since such a union destroyed Magic or Trap cards, and the Swords would be gone at the time. However, he could still build his forces.

"Go, Burning Beast(1500/1000)!" Yami shouted, the lava-like counterpart to Freezing Beast appearing next to his pal. "And I'll end my move there."

"Humph. That's all you can do!" Rayde snatched his card from his thinning deck(Messenger of Peace) He said nothing-Messenger of Peace would be useless now. "I guess I'll have to end my turn, too. But remember, I still have two more turns to prepare!"

"Well, this is fun," Tristan remarked.

Now Yami had a plan(Old Vindictive Magician). "I'll sacrifice Burning Beast and Freezing Beast for my Buster Blader(2600/2300)!" The Swords parted, the life energy of the two monsters dissolving. From his card, the sleek armored Buster Blader leapt into action, his sword at the ready. "And," continued Yami, "I'll use Monster Reborn to resurrect Mystical Elf!" Kneeling defensively, the fair woman emerged next to her guardian.

"Fat lot of good that does you! You still can't attack!" Drawing(Witch of the Black Forest), Rayde immediately summoned his card. "Witch of the Black Forest in attack mode!" Standing next to Rayde's defense monster, the black-robed bitch made her influence known.

"Are duels supposed to be this long?" Morty questioned.

"No, they're supposed to be fun to watch," answered Kai. "But this thing is rather boring for now..."

Yami rolled his eyes(Pot of Greed). "I'm not that dumb, Rayde. Contrary to popular belief. Now I'll use Pot of Greed, which lets me draw two cards!" He glanced hard at the newcomers. "Mystical Space Typhoon...Dragon Right...wait, Mystical Space Typhoon?! WAIT! DRAGON RIGHT?!"

Szarbarus' eyes flew open. "Dragon WHAT?!"

"AUGH!" Rayde screamed. "THE NEW GOD CARD!"

"This ought to be fun," Matt smirked as Yami played his cards. First, Mystical Space Typhoon destroyed the Swords...

...and Egyptian echoes called in the background as Dragon Right(3000/3000) descended into life, a massive scaly behemoth of red, befit with sharp slashing talons, huge wings, and a maw ready to kick ass.

"HOLY MOTHERFUCKER!" went Amidamaru. "SUPER BIG DRAGON!"

"And," Yami said to a pale Rayde, "my Buster Blader gains 500 attack points for every Dragon monster in play or in the Graveyard! But, in order to keep Dragon Right in play, I must hold out my right arm!" And he did so. Both Buster Blader(3100/2300) and Dragon Right(3000/3000) glared at Rayde with much intensity.

"AUGH!" shouted Szarbarus. "Did you HAVE to wet your pants, Rayde?!"

"Let's name the attacks," Matt said to Joey.

"Fun," Joey grinned.

"Now, Dragon Right," ordered Yami, his right arm still out, "attack Rayde's monster!"

"BIG FLAME BOOM!" hollered Joey.

He was smacked by Matt. "That sucks! How about...JUDGMENT OF HELLFIRE!"

Flames exploding from its mouth, nostrils, fingers, toes, tail, wings, and other unmentionables, Dragon Right unleashed a ultimate torrent of fire at Rayde's Earthbound Spirit, atomizing the fool.

"BITCHIN'!" Yoh shouted.

"Now, Buster Blader, attack Witch of the Black Forest!" declared Yami.

"With SWORD OF DA BIG CHEESES!"

Everyone near Joey smacked him this time. "Idiot!" shouted Matt. "Attack with DRACONIC BASTARD BLADE!"

Holographic blood splattered the air as Buster Blader sent his weapon singing through the bitchy Witchy, the resulting shockwave drop-kicking Rayde to the sky like Team Rocket.

"Looks like Rayde's blasting off for the first time!" Tristan observed.

"Wobbuffet!"

"What did you say, Morty?"

"Nothing."

After pilfering three cards convinently left on the ground even after Rayde blasted off(Raigeki, Spirit Reaper, Gelatinous Fiend), Yami stood, giving Szarbarus an evil eye. "All right, Szarbarus! I defeated your servant! Now release Tea!"

Szarbarus promptly blew her tongue at the Pharoah. "You seriously think I was going to hold up to my promise?"

"Ya didn't make a promise," Joey said.

"It doesn't matter," the Harpy of Darkness replied. "Tea is mine forever. And there's NOTHING NO ONE can do about it."

"You're wrong!" Yoh suddenly said, stepping in front of his friends. "If you shall not give up Tea, then I will take her from you!"

"Oh?" Szarbarus certainly seemed amused. "And who are you as to make such a boast?"

"I am Yoh," the other replied boldly. "And I shall defeat you! Amidamaru! Let's party!"

"I'm with you!" the samurai said, his hand fingering the hilt of a katana.

"You're serious, aren't you?" Facing her new foes, Szarbarus brought her claws foward, shifting her feet into a combative position. "I'll teach you to insult your superiors!"

"Yeah, but I get insulted all of the time," Matt said.

"SHUT UP!" everyone screamed at him.

* * *

All right, here's the Gelatinous Fiend, which is actually a useful little dork:

Name: Gelatinous Fiend  
Type: Fiend/Effect  
Attribute: Dark  
Level: 1  
ATK: 0  
DEF: 0  
Flavor Text: A monster capable of morphing into any shape.  
Effect: When this card is Normal Summoned, Special Summoned or Flip Summoned, remove a Monster Card in your Graveyard from the game. If you cannot, this card is destroyed. Gelatinous Fiend becomes an exact copy of that monster.

Now, what's wrong in this chapter?

A. Yoh, Morty, and Amidamaru magically just appeared without reason.  
B. Dragon Right was too damn powerful.  
C. Anna should have been there.

If you guessed C, you're wrong! Anna is too much of a bitch to be of any use. Ren, however, would make a nice addition.

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we shout "Jehova!" at Chapter Ten: Magician of Black Chaos Theory. 


	10. Magician of Black Chaos Theory

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: All right, people, it's plugging time! If you liked Szarbarus in this fic, then be sure to check her out in "10 Ridiculous Duels You'll Never Get To See", and its sequel, "12 Ridiculous Duels You'll Never Get To See"! Also, since Time Mage's character is still here, you should go read his new fic "Return Of Battle City: Wandering Souls". These three are cool and spontaneous, so read them!

Are we going to finish Battle City, or what? You know, it really pisses me off that the chicken shit known as Noah has decided to stop Battle City. HELLO! YAMI MARIK ABOUT TO DESTROY THE WORLD HERE! GET A CLUE!

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

CHAPTER TEN: Magician of Black Chaos Theory  
_The wise author utilizes rationality as one of the many fuels for the plot of his story. That is, if he even has a plot._

"You have no idea who you are dealing with, boy," Szarbarus spat, holding her offensive stance. "I've been destroying the populace and terrorizing the world before your great great great great great great great great great great GREAT grandparents were even thought of!"

"That's a lot of greats," Tristan said.

"I don't care how many people you whacked!" Yoh declared, Amidamaru tensing for action. "I will vanquish you and set Tea free! Or at least give it my best shot!"

Yugi, who had reverted to normal quickly, scratched his chin. "I don't get it. Why is Yoh going to fight Szarbarus? Doesn't he know about her power?"

"He's kinda stupid like that," Morty explained. "But I know Yoh can beat her!"

"Yeah, but I think she can make stuff go blow up," Matt said.

Joey frowned. "Let's just hope Yoh's got da guts."

"Morty," Yoh commanded, holding out his hand. "Stick me."

"What?"

"I said stick me!"

Morty promptly paled. "Here? Now?"

"Yes!" Yoh said. "Give me a stick!"

"OH!" the short boy replied, obviously relieved. He drew an eye to the ground. "Hey, look," he said. "A pipe. Here you go."

"I didn't see a pipe there before," Kai mentioned as the other handed the makeshift weapon to the shaman.

"That's cause you have tunnel vision," Matt jested.

Szarbarus snorted. "It matters not if you have a stick or a pipe or even a bigger pipe or even a slightly bigger stick! I will crush you!"

"We'll see about that!" Yoh thrust his hand foward. "Spirit Form! Unity!" To his and Morty's eyes only, Amidamaru suddenly turned into blue flame, maintaining a human shape at first, then dissolving into wisps that streamed to Yoh's hand. As the flames converged, Yoh opened his hand, allowing a cute ball of fire with Amidamaru's shoulder pads to manifest itself. Fiercely, Yoh shoved this thing into his bare chest, pausing in a hunched state as the remnants of the move dissolved into his body.

"What's he doing?" Yugi asked.

When all was said and done, Yoh straightened. His eyes were now sharpened and whole. "Let's rock the casbah!" he shouted, his voice coinciding with that of Amidamaru's.

Szarbarus smiled knowingly. "Ah, Amidamaru, I see that you have fused with a host like I have done."

"WHAT?!" the rest of the bystanders shouted. "YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?!"

The Harpy of Darkness sighed. "I'm not as moronic as I look, you know. I may possess Tea's body, but my mind is still as fresh as ever."

"I'm still confused!" Kai wailed.

Morty rolled his eyes. "Yoh's a shaman, remember? He can join with Amidamaru and combine their powers in order to fight their enemies. Pay more attention, would you?"

"He can't," said Matt. "He has selective hearing."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?! AND WHAT IN THE NAME OF KIDNEY STONE IS TUNNEL VISION, ANYWAY?!"

"Enough talk!" Yoh interrupted, bringing his pipe foward. "It's go time!" Roaring, he dashed foward, Amidamaru backing his attack, and swung hard at Szarbarus' head. With an incredible speed, the Harpy defended with her bare forearm, amazingly holding well against metal. Pushing aside the pipe, her face now twisted in hate, she lashed forth with viper claws, missing widely as Yoh ducked under the singing death. The shaman quickly struck at Szarbarus' side, but again she defended, more ferociously this time around.

"You know," Yugi said to Yami, who once again materialized into flesh, "if we had the Puzzle, we could have blasted her brains out by now."

The Pharoah shrugged. "True, but in order to do that, we need THE MILLENIUM PUZZLE, NOW DON'T WE?!"

Driving her taloned foot foward, her efforts for naught as Yoh flipped artfully backwards, Szarbarus paused momentarily, still ready to fight. It was obvious that she was allowing her opponent to make his next move so that she could counter. "I'm waiting, shaman! Bring it!"

Yoh grinned, drawing back his pipe. "With pleasure. CELESTIAL SLASH!" He swung, and a energy wave of pure red erupted from nowhere, streaming rapidly over to Szarbarus, whose wide eyes betrayed her fear and surprise. Lingering screams of agony sliced the sky as the vicious blow collided into the Harpy of Darkness head on, blasting her to the dirt in an explosion of smoke.

"HOT DAMN!" Matt yelled happily. "I think the word is 'Booyah'!"

"Guess again!" Tristan whined, feebly pointing at the battleground.

Pushing forth from the fog, leaning and clutching her stomach, Szarbarus slowly fumbled out of the scene, looking pretty damn pissed. Many feathers had been torn from her wingspan, and her forest green flesh exhumed strands of smoke. Several lacerations on her limbs bled freely, with her talons blistered and cracked. Yoh's eyes grew wide. "Amazing! How did she survive that?"

"No one can survive the ultimately climatic final attack!" Amidamaru said. "That's why it's FINAL!"

"And yet," the evil bitch spat, mustering strength to look at Yoh directly, "I'm still here. The battle is not over yet. You possess great power, shaman, and for that I must congratulate you." That insane grin spread past her cheeks. "It's too bad that I have to crack your head like a melon now."

"Yeah, right!" Joey scoffed. "You're all banged up, ya bitchmonger! Yoh's gonna kick your ass, so why don't ya just pack it in?"

"Bitchmonger?" Yugi repeated.

Matt smiled. "I like that one."

He promptly jumped with fright as Szarbarus' estatic, shrieking laughter rang true. "You fools!" she cried. "I have been hiding my true power from you all of this time! Now, for an intense special effect budget, I shall demonstrate!" With that, the Harpy of Darkness spread her mutilated wings, tilting her chin to the sky. "Powers of chaos, I ask of your aid!" she chanted. "Help me reduce my foes to Kool-Aid! Give me the power of random crap! Force their minds to break and snap! Allow me to bend the will of this plane! See Dick run headstrong into Jane!"

Shock enraptured the participants of the one-act as the scenery and people of Domino City faded away, shifting into a weird new land. All around, nothing but a plain with purple grass surrounded the group from all sides, and a pea green sky hovered above, sparse clouds of yellow populating it.

"What the flying fuck..." Matt drew out quietly.

However, the others were not so private with their feelings. "AHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?!"

"It's the powers of chaos," a voice explained. All turned toward the originator, and promptly recoiled in horror. With a battered and bruised Tea moaning on the ground, the true Szarbarus floated above her. In fact, the true Szarbarus looked much like a damnified version of the Harpie Lady herself. Armor of polished onyx clamped to her torso, much similar to Cyber Shield, except that jagged shoulder pads streaked in opposite directions, with the beginnings of armored greaves tracing down her curvaceous legs. Her forearms were gaunleted with clawed bracers, allowing her to strike hard no matter her mode of attack. Her hair, still a odd red and blue, focused to keen points, and flowed in this manner down to her lower back, much like an extended version of Yami Marik's hairdo. At least her face, undeniably evil as it was, resembled the Harpie Lady more than that of Tea.

"Jesus Christ, Superstar!" Morty gasped. "She's gone ultimate!"

"I believe the term is 'ultima'," Matt corrected. "Get it straight."

"Where have you taken us, Szarbarus?" Yami demanded.

The Harpy of Darkness could not resist a small chuckle. "Within my mind. With the powers of chaos supplementing me, I have taken us all to the ultimate("Ultima," Matt said) battleground. Here, I am god and all encompassing ruler!"

"Shouldn't this place be a white space, then?" Yoh smirked.

"Cracking jokes, are we?" Szarbarus floated higher, spreading her arms. "Not anymore! ROYAL FLUSH!" Instantly, hundereds of levitating porcelain toilets appeared, and simultaneously, they flushed. Everyone screamed and covered their ears, the resulting sonic boom too great for them to bear. Over the cacophony, the Harpy's hideous laughter reverberated.

"AUGH!" Yugi hollered. "What's going on?!"

"Szarbarus is using her imagination to produce her attack!" Yami yelled back, vainly attempting to stop the noise. "And the forces of chaos are fueling it!"

Even though Amidamaru was not affected by the move, Yoh was. Amidamaru realized they had to act, or be lost. "We have to strike back!" the samaurai shouted as loudly as he could. "When I say so, uncover your ears and focus only on Szarbarus's laughter! And don't bitch at me! Do it!"

Straining, Yoh uncovered his headphones, quickly trying to drown out the hellish flushing. Slowly, they faded away to mere background noise, with only the cackle of Szarbarus hearable. Roaring once more, the shaman rushed forth, brandishing his pipe.

The toilets vanished as the weapon slammed into the side of the Harpy. She screeched in shock, angry at forgetting all about Yoh, and fought back. The two danced in a lethal ballet, slashing back and forth with claws and pipe, striking and doging each other. Along the way, Szarbarus generated many unique attacks to plague Yoh, including serpents exploding from toasters, pitchforks blasting from her eyes, and tornadoes consisting of beer bottles. The rest had recovered, and were now watching the fight.

"Ah, deer poop!" Kai swore. "Yoh's getting his butt kicked!"

"How can he defeat Szarbarus when she keeps making up those screwy attacks?" Tristan asked, worried.

"I'VE GOT IT!" Morty suddenly declared.

All looked at the half-half-half-pint. "What is it?" Yugi said.

"Szarbarus said that this place was her mind," Morty elaborated, beginning to pace. "And she's using her imagination to make up attacks!" He snapped tiny fingers. "So, all Yoh has to do is be as weird as her, and he'll win!"

"True," Matt said, shrugging, "but Szarbarus is one of the weirdest people I've ever seen! I don't think anyone can match her weirdness!" The glasses-wearing teenager paled as all present stared at him expectantly. "What?"

"Don't you see, Matt?" Yami said. "The only weirder person than Szarbarus is you!"

"You've got da most fucked-up brain I've ever seen!" Joey encouraged. "If ya use that fucked-up-ness, you can beat her!"

"Do you really think so?" Matt replied.

"Even I think so," said Kai, "and I barely know you!"

"I'M SO TOUCHED!" Matt shouted, sobbing immense tears of happiness. Quickly, he regained his composure. "Let's get superfreaky, now!"

Crying in pain, Yoh fell to the dirt, three bloody slash lines across his chest. He whoofed as Szarbarus dug her knee into his gut, the hateful Harpy glaring down upon him. "Game over, shaman," she hissed. "Prepare to meet your father in the black corridors of hell. And your grandfather. And your great grandfather. And your great great grandfather. And your great great great grandfather. And your-"

"HEY! BITCHMONGER!"

Szarbarus stood, her face etched in confusion. Standing some distance from her was that fool Matt Willard, his arms folded confidently, a stupid smirk on his face. "What the hell do you want?"

Matt's smirk grew. "To party."

Szarbarus gasped as the denim-clad boy suddenly leapt into the air, and remained hovering with no effort at all. "What?!" she shouted. "How is this possible?!"

"It's simple," the adolescent explained, his jacket dancing in the wind. "This is your mind. And fucked up as it may be, mine is far more twisted and malevolent." He threw his arms apart, incredible gusts erupting suddenly, rocking the psyches of all in the land. "And with the powers of chaos supporting my screwy brain, you will fall before my +4 Boot of Ass-Kicking!"

"Never!" Shrieking, the Harpy lunged at Matt, entering into a fierce claw slash. However, Matt fancied himself a skillful fighter in his mind, and therefore, with relative ease, stopped each and every one of Szarbarus' attacks, his jacket flying against her Millenium Puzzle. The bystanders, watched amazed, as Matt suddenly swung his leg into the side of the bitch, sending her flying back.

"Master of chaos, my ass," Matt jested as Szarbarus recovered.

"You may be powerful in hand-to-hand combat," the green-skinned monstrosity spat, shoving her claws foward, "but my chaos outdoes your chaos by three-tenths! MILLER LITE MAELSTROM!" From nowhere, tinted bottles slushing with alcohol spiraled at Matt, forming a tornado of drunken death. But Matt just smiled, and to the surprise of everyone, the tempest passed harmlessly through his body.

"Absolutely fucking awesome!" Tristan shouted excitedly.

Having caught one of the bottles, Matt quickly drained the container, dropping the now empty glass to the plain below. He turned his wild eye upon his opponent, now immensely shocked with the power he was displaying. "Good try," he remarked. "But I grow tired of the antics. Now I will show you my true chaos, which not only outstrips your puny chaos by fourteen-seventeenths, but has its own cable channel as well!"

"That's not fair," said Morty. "I want a cable channel..."

Suddenly, Matt snapped his fingers. And instantly, he had changed completely. He now wore long black jeans tipped a fat white near the rims. His jacket had been split into two different colors, one side black and one side white, with the open collar of a reverse order, and his shirt imitated the abovementioned garb. But more importantly, Matt's hair was blond, his eyes shifted to blue, his glasses having disappeared.

Yugi's eyes widened beyond his control. "Who is that?"

For an answer, the boy intoned, "I am Ultima Matt!"

"Ultimate Matt?" Joey repeated.

"No, Ultima Matt. Get it straight." Ultima Matt now glanced warily at Szarbarus. "Now justice shall be served. Your reign of evil stops here and now, Szarbarus!"

Scowling, Szarbarus retaliated, "My reign shall never cease to exist! But you, Ultima Matt, will simply cease! TOASTED SERPENT STRIKE!" The furbished toasters materialized once more, and prepared to launch. But before they could, they vanished as a red hot flash erupted on Szarbarus' backside, sending her to scream in agony, demoting her to the ground.

Yoh had stood at last, his pipe weary in his hands, but quite capable of delivering a Celestial Slash. He smiled at Ultima Matt. "Oh, you have to tell me the name of your hairdresser."

Ultima Matt nodded, smiling as well. "Thank you, Yoh and Amidamaru. Now I will finish this." Closing his eyes, the ultimate warrior raised curled fingers of two hands to the green sky. Suddenly, snippets and flashed of black and white energy flowed to a central point, forming into a tiny sphere that grew.

"What's he doing?" Kai asked.

"I don't know," said Yami, the Eye of Horus burning on his forehead, "but it's going to be big! Run!"

He reached down and hoisted Tea upwards with Yoh's help, dragging her off. All leapt away as Ultima Matt gathered his power, forming into a gigantic ball of shadow and light energy, mxing together like a potent solution. He turned his blue eyes down to Szarbarus, who had recovered, but now stared at her imminent demise with hellfire eyes that betrayed a slight sense of humanity.

Soon, that humanity had disappeared, and she was pure evil once more. "All right," she spat. "Destroy me. But evil never dies, Ultima Matt. You are well aware of that. I'll be back. Maybe as some sort of tissue. Maybe like a liver, or even a tiny brain. But I will return. Maybe as a bionic eye or some sort of bottled head. But I will return. I promise you that."

The male shrugged. "Yeah, but for now, I don't really give a shit." He switched the ball to one hand, slinging the limb to his side, only to lash the sphere at his foe.

"ULTIMA DESTROYER!"

In the resulting explosion, the enite realm of Szarbarus was washed in a scorching, blinding light. In the resulting explosion, Szarbarus screamed her final scream, her body slowly disentegrating before her very eyes. In the resulting explosion, Ultima Matt held up not one, but two middle fingers at his adversary. Then saluted her with them. Then just flicked her off again.

And Domino City had returned, as if nothing had ever happened. No one paid notice to the teenagers, especially the Pharoah holding the tattered form of a beautiful girl, or to the teenager face-down in the street, his glasses slapped back on his face.

"We've returned to the real world," Tristan said.

"Thank you, Captian Obvious," Joey remarked.

"Somebody get Matt," Yugi said, helping Yami and Yoh with Tea. "We'd better take them both to the hospital."

But as the friends gathered, escorting the brave ones to the hospital far away, they failed to notice a figure watching them in the shadows. "Interesting..."

* * *

So, what did ya think of Ultima Matt? He'll show up again, but Matt's got to learn to harness his new power before becoming him again.

Now, what's wrong in this chapter?

A. That pipe just showed up out of nowhere.  
B. There was no way Matt could have learned to become Ultima Matt like that.  
C. Matt prefers Budweiser.

If you guessed C, you're wrong again! Matt doesn't drink beer, he just says so to make fun. Haven't you learned anything?

Well, let's hope you have. Next time on YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, grab your number two pencil, because we're taking a test! Yes, it's going to be a little quiz covering everything we've learned through the first ten chapters. I recommend you do some studying over the break, because if you fail, you'll be dropped in the No Man's Land of Bad Fanfiction-The HELL(Vermont) OF THE HOLY DRAGON! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What? He's a good friend of mine, that's all. 


	11. Midterm Exam One

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: Ah, it's time for the insidious test! I hope you studied, because my Martial Boot Of Discipline is ready for some action!

Hey, people, if you hadn't already, which you SHOULD, go read Invader Sam's "The Gathering", the highly anticipated sequel to The Egyptian Tournament! Big ups to ya, guys!

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

MIDTERM EXAM ONE  
Now that you have read about several symptoms of bad fanfiction, let's see what you know. This midterm exam covers events illustrated in Chapters One through Ten. For each question, choose the answer that best solves the problem presented.

1. Why is Adolf Hitler unrealistic as a villian?  
A. He has been given an Millenium Item that rewards him unsurpassed powers.  
B. It's been done before! Hello?  
C. He actually hired that greasy faggot Fantastic Four-Eyes.

2. What was the problem with the discovery of fireworks?  
A. Fireworks simply do not sit unattended in an alleyway.  
B. You can't discover fireworks! They've already been invented!  
C. It's not the Japanese New Year.

3. What is the best reason that Matt fought Fantastic Four Eyes particularly?  
A. The author needed to establish the dueling strength of the unimportant character.  
B. The author wanted to demonstrate the importance of cleaning and maintaining one's skin.  
C. We don't need no fuckin' reason!

4. How could Sarah improve her sentence structure and grammar?  
A. She could take a summer's worth of speech and proper English courses.  
B. If she acquired a mechanical instant-English corrector machine, she'd be right as rain.  
C. Kick that dumbass yami outta here!

5. Is Duke Devlin politically correct?  
A. No.  
B. Yes.  
C. A jar of almonds.

6. What's with the magical destroyer beam cannon?  
A. Matt was stunned that such a powerful creature like Hart did not possess such a ability.  
B. The author has a queer fascination with such abilities.  
C. What's with pants?

7. Say, in one word, the level of importance of Kai's duel with Ralaxia.  
A. Unneeded.  
B. Cool.  
C. In one word, the level of importance of Kai's duel with Ralaxia.

8. What was so special about the Rarity Seeker Yugi defeated to obtain Dragon Right?  
A. He was a cannibal.  
B. He was a carbon-copy of a Rare Hunter.  
C. He was Alice Cooper.

9. Why was cheese mentioned in Chapter Nine?  
A. The author wished to illustrate that the characters retained a sort of light-heartedness even in turmoil.  
B. Cheese is an important dairy product, and is useful in making little cheese cubes.  
C. Many cheap jokes about cutting the cheese could have been said.

10. What attack does Szarbarus use on Matt?  
A. Miller Lite Maelstrom.  
B. Governer's Grope.  
C. I Need An Attack Name Attack.

That's it! And now, because I trust you not to lie on your quizzes, here are the answers.

#1-The answer is C. I've known people as ugly as Four Eyes. I KNOW.  
#2-The answer is B. Unless, of course, you were to make some sort of time machine.  
#3-The answer is C. For obvious reasons.  
#4-The answer is A. But then again, that takes too much work. I'll accept B.  
#5-The answer is C. Almonds are good.  
#6-The answer is C. Who needs 'em?  
#7-The answer is A. Keep in mind that Matt wanted to duel her.  
#8-The answer is C. You never know...  
#9-The answer is A. The story's called "humor" for a reason, ya know.  
#10-The answer is A. No one can truly forget sweet beer dropping onto them.

**Scoring:**  
**10 Correct:** Congratulations! You know all about this fic! In fact, you're so good, you should keep reading and teach your stupid peers what they don't already know! What a great way to fill those meaningless evenings!  
**9-7 Correct:** You're well versed in bad fanfiction. But, it won't do you much harm to do some review. Then again, it won't do you much harm to have a little sip at the bottle now and then, but there ya go.  
**6-4 Correct:** You know some stuff about bad fanfiction. But you ain't gonna let them 7 to 10s taunt you, huh? Hell no, you ain't! Work hard, and insult their asses with your knowledge!  
**3-1 Correct:** You have learned nothing in my one-hour class! Do you want to fail this class? Well, TOO BAD if ya want to get out! I want a fifteen-page report on the history of bad literature, on my desk, TODAY!

Now that's you're done, it's back to the books we go! Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we collide head-on with Chapter Eleven: Battle of the Bitching Bitches!


	12. Battle of the Bitching Bitches

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: Ah, yes...we have some very interesting developments for the Yu-Gi-Oh crew. Does anyone out there(besides me) know what the hell's up with Noah? And did you notice that he had to wear gay little shorts? In white? After Labor Day? He needs to take his fancy-ass computers and digitize him a fashion sense.

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

CHAPTER ELEVEN: Battle of the Bitching Bitches  
_The wise author restricts the use of profanity in his fiction. To do so would be unappropriate. Unless, of course, one was writing the screenplay for From Dusk Till Dawn._

"Tea and Matt are both okay," Yugi said to his friends, having just walked outside of Domino Hospital. "Except, of course, for the immense pain. Matt's Ultima Destroyer really tired him out, apparently."

"Well, it's a good thing that he used that attack," Yoh added. "Otherwise I'd be dead like Amidamaru."

"Being dead isn't so bad," Yami countered, once again in flesh form next to Yugi. "You get to walk through walls and steal people's stuff."

"What's this about stealing stuff?" a new voice interrupted. All present turned to look in that particular direction. Mai Valentine, decked with a Duel Disk and latest fashions, was now walking up to them. "And what's wrong with Tea and that other kid?"

"Whoa..." Morty and Kai both said, unmistakably in the throes of affection. "What a woman..."

Joey, however, noticed this and boxed them both. "Back off, ya bums!" he hissed. "She's mine!"

"Hey there, Mai!" Tristan said, waving happily. "We just had some trouble with another evil spirit, that's all."

"Again?" Mai sighed. "They're everywhere, aren't they?"

"Oh yeah!" Morty jumped in. "But there's a lot of good spirits, too! Amidamaru over here's one of them!" He jabbed a thumb to the samurai, currently feigning sleep and boredom at the same time.

"Who the hell are you again?" the blonde asked.

"I'll field that one," Yugi stepped in, holding his hands high. And so, he quickly elaborated about EVERYTHING-you know, the evil plot with the Rarity Seekers, the appearance of Szarbarus, the arrival of Yoh and his friends, and Matt's climatic struggle with the Harpy of Darkness. After he finished, he promptly collpased from lack of air.

"I think he's dead," said Joey.

"DEAD?!" went Yami.

"Or out of air, I don't know."

Suddenly, rather loud dialogue erupted behind the group. "What the hell is that?" Tristan asked, turning about, with the others following his example. Some distance away, a teenager clearly known as Ryou Bakura was walking back and forth, shouting into the air.

Kai arched an eyebrow. "What's he doing?"

"Look!" Yugi pointed, now recovered. "Someone's following Bakura!"

And it was so-indeed, a little child about the age of four was trailing the white-haired youth, her mouth mixing with that of the other. Confused, the group immediately ran to the scene.

"Why do you keep following me?" Ryou was asking to the girl as the rest approached.

She grinned widely. "Because you're fun!"

Suddenly, Ryou shifted to Yami Bakura thanks to a glowing Millenium Ring. Like the bat out of hell, he swiveled to glare down upon his tormentor with a vengeance. "STOP FOLLOWING ME OR I WILL BANISH YOUR MIND TO THE SHADOW REALM, PUNY MORTAL!" he screamed, his evil face directly in hers.

But she just laughed. "Oh, you're so cute!" And with that, she playfully pinched Yami Bakura's cheek. The tomb robber promptly blushed.

"All right," Yoh cut in, "what's going on here?

Ryou had returned, and noticing Yugi, began to shake quite hard on his shoulders. "OH THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, YUGI! You have to help me! This girl won't stop following me around and is annoying the hell out of me!"

Yugi skeptically looked at the child. She had strawberry blond curls dropping down to her waist, with a dark green ribbon to match. Not only were her eyes green as well, but she also wore a dark green jumper with a Kuriboh insignia on the front. But the two items of importance she possessed was a Duel Disk on her left arm, as well as a gigantic Dark Magician plushy she held, coated in a brilliant gold. Except for those two objects, she seemed absolutely normal. "And why can't you take care of her?"

"BECUASE I'M DUMB! WAHHHHHHHHHHH!" And so Ryou exploded into fits of crying.

Unfortunately, the girl had focused on Yugi now. "Are you Yugi Moto?" she asked politely.

"Yes."

All covered their ears as she squealed with happiness. "OH, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET YOU YUGI!!!"

"SOMEONE MAKE HER SHUT UP!" Tristan yelled over the screaming.

"You can't," entered a new chilling voice. "That is one of the powers that the Millenium Dark Magician Plushy grants her." Startled, all turned to the source of the voice, and Yugi, Yami, Joey, and Tristan. With a good reason-the voice was none other than Yami Celebi, floating eeriely in the air, a Duel Disk strapped to its arm. The Millenium Scheiss now dangled about its neck through the use of rope. The green ball of snot smiled evilly. "And soon, it shall become my power."

"Millenium Dark Magician Plushy?!" repeated Yami. "That must be one of the new Millenium Items!"

"If only Matt was here," Joey sighed. "Den he could've cussed her out."

"Excuse me," Morty interrupted, "but I must be out of the circle here. Who's that?"

And so, Yugi explained EVERYTHING YET AGAIN-you know, the situation with Yami Celebi, the whole sinister dealings she was involved with, as well as the seven new Millenium Items. And once again, after he had finished, he toppled to the street.

"He's really got to stop doing that," Kai said.

Now Yami Celebi was slowly approaching the girl, its grin wide and woeful. "What's your name, child?"

"R-Ruki," the girl replied, clutching her Plushy, her eyes fearful.

"Well, Ruki," cooed the demented spirit, "here's what were going to do. You and I are going to duel. Whomever wins acquires both of our Millenium Items. So if I win, I get your Plushy and keep my Schiess. But if you win, you keep yours and get mine. So, do you want to play?"

"I love its bedside manner," Mai quipped.

"We can't just stand here and let Yami Celebi take Ruki's Item!" Yami insisted.

"Let's kick the shit out of the snotball!" Amidamaru cried, drawing a katana.

But before the group could leap into action, Ruki's Millenium Dark Magician Plushy glowed vermillion, showering the city around them with rays of light. When it had faded, a new figure stood in Ruki's place, minus the Plushy, glaring determinedly at Yami Celebi, who blanched. The newcomer was garbed in an open, flowing cape of green, revealing her chest laden with silver body armor and tight blue trousers, complemented with elaborate boots reaching up to her knees. The female hefted her Duel Disk sitting upon a gauntleted arm, her other hand fingering the hilt of a rather long sword tied to her curvaceous waist. Long blond hair, spiked and arranged like Bakura's danced about her beautiful face.

"Who in the hell's that?" Yoh asked, incredulous.

Ryou, in the meantime, was panting like a dog in heat. "Hot DAMN!"

Yami Celebi, however, was not pleased. "I should have known that another spirit dwelled within the MDMP(Millenium Dark Magician Plushy)."

"That's right, you fuckin' bag of shit," the figure said confidently. "And I, Necropotus, am going to kick your ugly ass all over the block! You will rot in the fires of hell for insulting my vessel!"

Mai folded her arms. "Now that seems like a girl you don't want to piss off."

"Does that name ring a bell, Yami?" Yugi asked the Pharoah.

"No," he replied. "She must be another random stock character..."

"It doesn't matter who she is!" Kai shouted. "She'll beat this Yami Celebi!"

The yami in question glared at Kai, Yoh, and Morty. "You know, you random additions are really starting to piss me off! BE GONE!" With that, it shoved its hand foward, and the three mortals plus the samurai were blown into the sky by powerful gusts of wind.

"LUKE!" Joey cried to the wind.

"FATHER!" Necropotus shouted after Amidamaru.

"Waitaminute!" guessed Tristan, even though he had no clue who Necropotus was talking about. "Amidamaru's your father?"

She looked at the boy. "He was." Snarling, Necropotus turned back to glare death threats at Yami Celebi. "YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR THAT, BITCH!"

"IS THAT A CHALLENGE, WHORE?!" Yami Celebi shouted back, its Duel Disk now activated. "I'M GOING TO DROP-KICK YOUR SKINNY ASS ALL OVER ARKANSAS!"

"WHEN I'M DONE KICKING YOUR SNOTTY ASS, YOU'LL HAVE TO SIT ON YOUR UGLY-AS-FUCK FACE!" Necropotus screamed in retaliation, her own Duel Disk snapping ready. "LET'S DANCE, SKANK!"

Yami Celebi: 4000/Necropotus: 4000

"I feel Matt's profane influence in this duel," Yami predicted ominously as the two bitches drew their cards.

"Yeah, he's everywhere lately, isn't he?" Mai added.

"I'll go first, you WHORE!" Yami Celebi said(Luster Dragon, Avenging Amazon, Black Pendant, Tornado Bird, Bladefly, Elegant Egotist). "And I'll summon a monster in defense mode(Tornado Bird)!" The duel officially began with the face-down image of the yami's monster.

"Now it's my turn, MOTHERFUCKER!" Necropotus took in her hand of cards(Messenger of Peace, Gravity Bind, Jinzo #7, Widespread Ruin, Dark Core, Servant of Catabolism) and grinned to herself. It was a good start. "Okay, bitch," the spirit of the MDMP spat, playing two cards face-down, "I'll save these cards for later and summon Jinzo #7(500/400) in attack mode!" With a flash of light, the miniature machine leapt from the ground, garbed in a hodgepodge of technology.

"That Jinzo #7'll be able to attack Yami Celebi directly," Yugi mentioned. "But then again, why am I stating the obvious?"

"Has anyone forgotten me or what?" Ryou asked.

"ATTACK THE BASTARD DIRECTLY, JINZO #7!" Necropotus issued. Its fist now surrounded in a pinkish aura, Jinzo #7 fired a blast that struck hard into Yami Celebi. The snot thing promptly recoiled in pain from the blow, its Life Points dropping appropriately.

Yami Celebi: 3500/Necropotus: 4000

"An' so da whuppin' begins," Joey remarked. "Dat spirit's goin' down."

"I don't know, Joey," Yugi replied worriedly, chancing a look at Yami Celebi's still grinning face. "It looks like it was expecting an attack."

"Is that all you have, broad?" the emerald yami spat amusedly. "Or do you have some other stupid-ass move to make?"

Necropotus shook her head. "Nope, I'm done."

"Well, that's good," the spirit of the Millenium Scheiss answered, drawing a card(Woodland Sprite). "Because now I'm going to smash the living shit out of you! I'll flip my Tornado Bird(1100/1000), which sends your two fuckin' face-down cards back to your hand!" The resulting rainbow-feathered bird flapped its wings once, and blew Necropotus' secret traps into the sky. As the pissed off swordwoman returned her Gravity Bind and Widespread Ruin to her hand, Yami Celebi continued to bark out orders. "Now I'll sacrifice my weak Tornado Bird for my more powerful Luster Dragon(2400/1700)!"

"Holy shitmonkeys!" Joey shouted as the rock-skinned dragon of crystal green manifested itself. "Dat's thing's as strong as my Red Eyes!"

"I didn't know you had red eyes," Mai said.

Shreiking in delight, Yami Celebi ascended higher. "NOW, MY BEAUTIFUL DRAGON, PUT THE SMACKDOWN ON THE JACKASS WITH TORNADO BLASTER!" Opening its humongous maw, snippets of wind gathered toward the Luster Dragon's mouth and fused into a ball, only to collapse onto the Jinzo #7. As it was destroyed, Necropotus raised her arms up to defend herself.

Yami Celebi: 3500/Necropotus: 2100

"Ouch!" Tristan winced. "That's gotta hurt!"

"Yes," Yami Celebi taunted, watching with clear amusement as Necropotus recovered. "Such pain courses through you now. And it's only going to get worse. Why don't you hand over your Dark Magician Plushy now before I have to get rough?"

"I cannot," the spirit of said Plushy said. "For techinically, I AM the Plushy. In order to win me, you must fully defeat me." Now ready to continue the fight, she jabbed a finger at her opponent. "AND THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'M LETTING AN S.O.B BEAT ME!"

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY MOTHER?!" Yami Celebi screamed back. "YAMI MOMMY CELEBI GAVE ME COOKIES AND MILK AND HELPED ME WITH MY EVIL HOMEWORK! YOU WILL NOT DISRESPECT HER MURDER AT MY HANDS!" The thing was now visibly quaking with anger, shaking its fists. "REST ASSURED THAT I WILL KILL YOU WITH MANY POINTY OBJECTS BEFORE THIS DUEL IS OVER!"

"How can she rest assured if she's dead?" Yami infered.

"Don't be cute."

* * *

You know what? It's Chapter Eleven and so far, we have not seen Seto Kaiba duel! THIS SHALL NOT STAND! Mark my words, Seto Kaiba will get to duel! And with that comes the god card Dragon Left! Watch for it!

Now, what's wrong in this chapter?

A. Both Necropotus and Yami Celebi cursed way too much.  
B. Amidamaru technically could not have been blown away by wind.  
C. You know that this is going to be the right answer, so you might as well pick it.

If you guessed C, you're right! C is right, so you're right! Good for you.

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we unleash our Limit Break on Chapter Twelve: The Neverending Life Story. 


	13. The Neverending Life Story

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: After so long, I'm back with an update! Next up is not a new chapter of INSECT QUEEN, but a new fic involving the Final Fantasy VII crew, after Meteor and before the events of Advent Children. It's by me, so you KNOW what to expect.

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

CHAPTER TWELVE: The Neverending Life Story  
_The wise author tries rather hard not to sag down his fiction with endless history and backstory, as they often weigh down the plot and make it boring. And yet, Michener's Chesapeake is considered a smashing success._

While Necropotus and Yami Celebi were engaged in their duel of profanities, another section of the city of Domino was about to recieve some visitors.

"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"

Uncermoniously, Kai Kaethen and his friends Yoh, Morty, and Amidamaru were dumped from the heavens, landing in a huge garbage bin sitting in a dark alleyway. Trash flew everywhere as the result.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEWW!" Morty shouted, standing up and shaking his hands rapidly, trying to discard old fish bones. "Disgusting!"

"Oh, this is just great," Yoh remarked, peeling a discarded banana skin off of his hairdo.

Kai made a face as he wiped his hand on a clear side of the bin, leaving a trail of chocolate milk-slime in his wake. His day was not going as well as he had hoped for. First off, he was involved in some weird battle between that Harpy of Darkness known as Szarbarus and the oddball known as Matt Willard. Next, some bitch named Yami Celebi just blasted him and his friends off like they were flies! And now he had been literally trashed! Well, he wasn't going to stand for it!

"Where are you going, Kai?" Amidamaru asked, floating above the bin, as Kai stood up and began to crawl over the rim of the garbage unit.

The boy's feet touched the ground, and he dusted himself off. "I'm going to find that piece of monkey known as Yami Celebi, and kick her green butt nine ways to Arkansas!"

"Do you think you can beat up the person who sent us flying cross-country?" Yoh queried, also landing on the asphalt like Kai.

Kai frowned as he examined his Duel Disk. "I can try."

"You'll have to wait until that Necropotus woman is done with her," Morty added as Yoh helped him down.

Amidamaru frowned. It still didn't make sense to him. Even before Necropotus showed up, he detected a familiar presence lurking within the Millenium Dark Magician Plushy. And when the swordswoman did appear, something clicked in his airless head. The girl seemed familiar to him somehow...but what was it?

"I need a Coke!" whined Yoh.

"We all need a Coke," said Kai. He glanced out of the alleyway into the street. "Hey, there's a soda shop across the road. Let's go there."

And so, the odd trio plus one spirit walked across the road. Cars swerved away, some crashing nosily into brick buildings, as the four walked in a straight line. Morty was third, and he forgot his shoes at the time, but nobody cared. Finally, they all made it to the shop. After forcing Yoh to cough up enough cash to buy them all refreshments(Amidamaru opted to have a Sierra Mist), they all sat down at a round table inside.

"Man, I love this stuff," the samurai said, gazing at his Sierra Mist.

Kai arched an eyebrow. "How can you drink it? You're dead."

"SPIRIT FORM! UNITY!"

Kai rolled his eyes as Yoh, infused with the essence of Amidamaru, took a sip of Sierra Mist through his straw. "Why do I even bother asking..."

"So what's the deal with that spirit of the Millenium Dark Magician Plushy?" Morty asked, taking a pull of his Mountain Dew: Code Red. "She didn't feel at all like the Pharoah of the Millenium Puzzle..."

Yoh sipped his glass of Coca Cola. "What do you mean?"

"She reminded me of someone." The spirit-seer looked past Yoh, to Amidamaru. "She reminded me of Amidamaru."

"How?" Kai wondered. "Is she related or something?"

The samurai pursed his lips, and went for another taste of his drink. You know, he couldn't completely oust that idea. Sure, he had never, ever, ever, ever, EVER seen the woman before, but her aura(and her incredibly long sword) triggered familiar feelings within himself. But Amidamaru never had any kids with anyone...or did he? "I'm not enitrely sure..."

"I KNOW!" Yoh declared. "If you relate your entire life, then you might remember if you did get laid!"

"I think Amidamaru would remember if he got laid," Morty remarked dryly.

"Cloud Strife didn't," said Kai. "But maybe this is different. Go ahead, Amidamaru."

The samurai sighed. "Very well." He looked up to the ceiling in reflection. "Once, long ago, in the age of feudal Japan, there was a man and a woman. The man was my father, and the woman was my mother. They met in harsh circumstances. You see, one of the small shops in the village my mother and father lived in had decided to up the prices of its rice. Later, they found out that he had made a trip to yet another small village in the east, and he entered the inn. Since the prices were so high-and it might because of THIS price gouging that he was influenced to raise the prices of his own rice, although we did learn that the reason lay in this other village-he refused to stay there. The innkeeper scratched his chin and said that if this man were to climb to the top of the tallest mountain nearby and retrieve the quietest cricket from a field, then he would let him in. The man tried to bribe said innkeeper with a mystical monkey's paw he found on the ground, but the innkeeper was too wise for that. After all, who would buy a monkey's paw? I wouldn't. They're usually grimy and dirty, but people are dumb enough to buy them because they give you wishes. Yeah, if you wanted a grimy and dirty hand of a dead monkey, then you got your wish! Seriously, some people are that idiotic-"

"Amidamaru," Morty cut in sharply. "Can we get back to the topic at hand?"

Amidamaru blinked. "Of course. Sorry. Anyway, as I was saying, the man who charged too much for rice had to go retrieve the quietest cricket from a field on the tallest mountain nearby in order to stay at the inn who charged too much. So this man set off, with naught but a mung bean sandwich for lunch and a sharp stick for protection. He travelled twenty miles in forty days, braving treacherous snow storms of summer, facing down wandering monsters like Final Fantasy and so on. Finally, he reached the mountain. There, he thought, is where he would get the quietest cricket in the field that would allow him to stay at the inn that charged too much which eventually allowed my father and mother to meet. So, the man whose rice was hideously expensive in the end fashioned his dirty and grimy monkey's paw that supposedly granted wishes into a hook, which he used to climb the tallest mountain where the quietest cricket lived. Up he climbed, thinking all of the while of the cozy bed that waited for him back at the inn that charged too much which would make this man charge too much for rice and bring my parents together. Soon, after scaling one thousand vertical miles, the man made it to the top. Like the innkeeper said, there was a field there, and in this field, the quietest cricket who guaranteed free admission into the inn dwelled. So, the man who was impudent enough to demand so much money for rice-"

"Skip a bit, brother," Kai said, annoyed.

"But this quietest cricket may give a clue as to my relation with Necropotus!" Amidamaru replied.

"But mostly it won't!" Yoh snapped.

"Fine!" The spiritual samurai thought a moment, deciding where to begin again. "Okay, after this man got the cricket-"

"I thought you were going to shut up about the cricket!"

"This is the last you will hear of the cricket. Now, he was able to stay the night at the inn who charged too much and-"

Yoh groaned loudly.

"Stop that!"

"This isn't getting us anywhere! We don't need your stupid backstory!"

Amidamaru humphed. "Fine, and I suppose that you want to skip to the part where I've grown up?"

"YES!"

Amidamaru shrugged. "All right, you're the one missing out..."

"Oh, whatever shall I do..."

"Shut up, Morty."

"ANYWAY," Amidamaru began again, "I had grown up. We know that much. Anyhoo, I had recently gotten my magicial ring of rockslides-"

"Whoa!" Kai entered. "Where did you get that?"

"You see?" the samurai scolded. "If we hadn't skipped parts of the story, then you would know where I got my magicial ring."

Yoh nodded. "He's right!"

"Oh, you were the one who wanted to speed things up!"

"Don't blame ME, Kai! If YOU hadn't started about the cricket-"

"The cricket is not a neccessary factor of the story! It has nothing to do with Necropotus and her relationship to Amidamaru!"

"What if the cricket was really Necropotus, and it had to be kissed like a frog, and she thought whomever kissed it was her father, and Amidamaru found the cricket, and kissed it 'cause he was dumb, and she returned to normal, and she kept following him everywhere 'cause she thought he was her father?"

"I thought I told you to shut up, Morty."

Kai gripped his head in pain. "Man, I give up! May God above give me something to do other than to listen to this!"

And surprisingly, the gods answered. When the streets outsides suddenly exploded with a fiery force, the resulting sound startled everyone. When it happened again, the windows shattered immediately, sending a yelping Morty under the table.

"What the hell is that?" Yoh asked his partner.

"I don't know," Amidamaru said, fingering his katana, "but we'll find out!"

"I'm coming too!" Kai said, tapping his Duel Disk.

"Are you MAD?!" Morty shouted at Kai from under the table.

"Yes." And with that, Kai, Yoh, and Amidamaru dashed outside. Morty watched them go nervously, his fear taking a hold of him. That fear vanished, however, when he realized that a Sierra Mist two Coca Colas, and his Mountain Dew: Code Red had been left for the taking.

The street of Domino had descended into hell. The road housed burning flames of fury, the buildings danced with fire, and all about, lightning bolts crashed down from a darkened sky. Kai's mouth dropped open at the destruction. Who could have done all of this?

"Son of a bitch!" Yoh swore, looking about for a weapon. "What's going on?"

A harsh laughter rang out. Kai gulped. "That?"

All present gaped as a young man, dressed in a black cape, with long white hair and silver shoulder pads, carrying an immensely huge sword, walked from the flames to them. His green eyes glistened upon the sight, his mouth curled in a smirk. "Well, well, well," he said smoothly, looking at the newcomers. "Who do we have here?"

"Holy shit..." Amidamaru gasped. "Sephiroth..."

* * *

AUGH! WHAT IN THE HELL IS SEPHIROTH DOING HERE! THIS PLOT MAKES NO SENSE! TELL THE PEOPLE!

Now, what's wrong in this chapter?

A. Amidamaru went on way too much about the parts of his life that no one cared about.  
B. Sephiroth should not have shown up at all.  
C. There was a signifigant amount of product placement.

If you guessed C, you're right! And don't forget, this chapter is brought to you by Pepsi Blue! Mmmmm, can't get enough of Pepsi Blue!

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we kick the bucket with Chapter Thirteen: The OOC. 


	14. The OOC

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: Any of you notice my subtle dip in quality? That's 'cause I'm typing this crap from Ellyndia McGovern's computer, and it's hell trying to update with little online. And guess what we bought from EBay? A fantastic looking...case. That's right, we attempted to get Ellyndia a laptop, but it came with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in it! Not my fault-the description was quite sparse.

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: The OOC  
_The wise author keeps his characters within the borderlines of their personalities in his fanfiction, otherwise, it soon turns into Sigmund Freud's dreamhouse._

Elsewhere in Battle City Two, a fierce duel had broken out between two valiant warriors. They both would not waver. They both would not give up. They both-

"WAHHHHHH! I GIVE! I GIVE!"

Ahem! I'm talking here! Anyway, these two duelists had made it clear that neither would fall, and yet, due to the dangers of dueling, one warrior was bound to be vanquished at one time or another. But even as the other's Life Points went down the crapper, they still fought-

"HERE! JUST TAKE MY LOCATOR CARD! I DON'T NEED IT!"

Excuse me! I do believe I'm talking. Anyhoo, with unrelenting courage-

"I'M SO SCARED! WAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Ah, fuck it. Let's just go to the scene of the crime. Over in a closed-off street of Domino City, flanked by towering edifices, Seto Kaiba, clad in his first Battle City outfit of sleek white trenchcoat and black shirt and pants, had cornered yet another duelist idiotic enough to challenge him. Currently, the duelist opposite of Kaiba Corporation's president had 30 Life Points, while Seto possessed 15,964. Naturally, Kaiba had also constructed an army of powerful monsters: Ryu-Kishin Powered(1600/1200), Luster Dragon(2400/1700), and Blue Eyes White Dragon(3000/2500).

"You fool!" Seto roared in delight at his opponent. "What moron uses 4-Stared Ladybug of Doom?! I mean, COME ON!"

"I don't care!" the young girl in green shouted back. "All I wanted to do was sell you some Girl Scout cookies!"

"Well, THIS will teach you to always carry the minty cookies I like!" Grinning insanely, Kaiba snapped up a card from his hand. "Prepare to meet the fury of my God card!"

"Obelisk the Tormentor?!"

"Kinda, BUT MORE ANNOYING!" As Seto slammed the card down upon his Duel Disk, an incredible hailstorm of icicles blasted into life, collapsing into a deadly spiral of power. From the resulting pillar, a gigantic, blue-scaled wyrm with ferocious fangs and claws leapt forth, roaring its challenge to all.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" the little girl screamed.

"BEHOLD! DRAGON LEFT!" Seto smirked, drawing his left arm to point away from him. "In order to keep Dragon Left in play, I must hold out my left arm as long as it's on the field! But I won't have to for long! With 3000 attack points, AND since you have no monsters on the field, I can just POKE YOU and you'll DIE!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Defensively, the girl held up her box of cookies as a shield.

"TOO LATE! DRAGON LEFT!" Seto commanded, sweeping out with his free hand. "ATTACK WITH FROZEN WOE!"

For those who've seen Bahamut ZERO on Final Fantasy VII, just replace that monster with Dragon Left. Otherwise, here ya go-a nifty revolving picture of the planet came into view from deep in space, and as the camera almost faced the sun, the undeniable shadow of Dragon Left emerged like an eclipse. Its maw opened, streams of blue power drawing toward its beak, before exploding into a beam of such intensity that it blasted through Earth's atmosphere just to do anything short of annihilate the little girl.

Insert one really big BOOM here.

"Yeah!" a spectating Mokuba shouted in joy. "You did it, Seto!"

"I know." Grinning, Seto now held Dragon Left, tracing over its picture. "And with this card, I'll defeat Yugi for sure!"

"Maybe," a new voice inserted, "but if you beat Yugi, then we wouldn't really have a show, now would we?"

Startled, Seto and Mokuba swiveled around to face the newcomer. It was a tall boy walking toward them, and his face clearly imitated his tough appearance. Loose blue jeans flowed down to the ankles of the brown boots he wore. A heavy jacket of red and green draped over his shoulders, with the zipper open to reveal an Exodia emblazoned shirt. The boy's blond hair rose from his forehead in many spikes, continuing in this fashion down to his neck. A dark blue Duel Disk clamped to his right wrist.

"Who says so?" Seto retorted immediately.

The boy smirked. "Rayde Zachrich, Exodia duelist extraordinaire, says so. I've fought Yugi, and I see now why you can't beat him. Of course, the sun was in my eyes at the time, so I probably could have wasted him."

"BULLSHIT!" the elder Kaiba snorted.

"You dare insult me?" Rayde snapped his Duel Disk foward. "In my country, we sleep with the people who insult us, but since this is Japan, we will duel instead!"

"No offense, mysterious stranger we've just met," Mokuba said, "but Seto could probably flick you with his finger and beat you."

"So go play with a Kuriboh, or something," Seto remarked crudely as he turned to leave.

Rayde, however, would not recede so easily. "What if I sweeten the deal?"

Seto did not turn around. "I'm listening."

"What if I offer you..." Here the camera zoomed in REALLY CLOSE to Rayde's face, and his pinkie finger was to his lips. "ONE HUNDRED BEEEEELEEON DOLLARS?"

"HAAH! HAHH!" That was Seto hyperventilating.

Mokuba looked at his brother concernedly. "But Seto, you don't even knows if he has it!"

"Yeah! I know, but, I mean, come on! MONEY!" Rubbing his hands together greedily, with a retarded look on his face, Seto launched his Duel Disk. "Hell, I need me some new vid-e-oh casesstes!"

Mokuba gave his brother an intensely disturbed look. This was a major problem. Whenever Seto was bribed with huge amounts of money, he tended to...take an awkward turn.

Seto-4000/Rayde-4000

Rayde glanced at his opening hand(Sangan, Witch of the Black Forest, Messenger of Peace, Left Arm of the Forbidden One, Earthbound Spirit, Laser Curfew). Yugi Moto may have defeated him, but there was no way in hell he would let the OTHER Duel Monsters champion kick his amateur ass! Maintaining a poker face, he inserted two cards on his Duel Disk. "I summon a monster in defense mode(Witch of the Black Forest) and place one card face down(Laser Curfew)!"

In reply, Seto leapt up and down like a child. "AHHHHHH! YOU'RE SO STUPID!" In that same moment, his composure had returned, and he glanced over his hand(Blue Eyes White Dragon, Lord of Dragons, Flute of Summoning Dragon, Ring of Defense, Koumori Dragon, Avenging Wyrm). This STUPID DICK had no idea who he was messing with! "I'll place one card face down(Ring of Defense) and summon Lord of Dragons(1200/1000) in attack mode!" With the arrival of the caped master of dragons, a new face down card appeared behind him. "AAAAAAND I'll play Flute of Summoning Dragon, which allows me to summon two more Dragon type monsters from my hand!" So, Kaiba giggled insanely. "GUESS WHAT DAT MEANS!"

"You're going to summon Blue Eyes White Dragon and Lycanthropic Dragon to the field," Rayde replied, bored.

"WHAT?! HOW DID YA KNOW THAT, YA SMELLYHEAD?!"

The Exodia duelist rolled his eyes. "I read the script, dumbass. Now finish your move."

So Kaiba did, summoning a Blue Eyes White Dragon(3000/2500) and Koumori Dragon(1500/1200) to join his Lord of Dragons, who, convinently, protected those same dragons from all targeted effects. "NOW GO SPILL HIS GUTS!" Seto shouted, his monsters obeying.

"Activate Laser Curfew!" Rayde ordered. Quickly, the trap card sprung up, forming a web-like structure of lasers, halting Kaiba's monsters from touching the other's monster. Smirking, Rayde discarded two cards from his hand and his Life Point counter decreased to 3000. "By paying 1000 Life Points and discarding any amount of monsters from my hand whose total levels equal eight, Laser Curfew blocks all attacks to me! Nice try, Kaiba!"

"STUPID DICKMONKEY! YOU DIE NOW!" Once again attaining his composure, Seto calmly folded his arms. "My move is complete."

Rayde drew(Raigeki), smiling once more. Sure, Yugi may have taken his FIRST Raigeki, but thanks to the authoring gods, he was bestowed with another! "I play Raigeki, which will kill EVERY monster on your side of the field! GO TO HELL!" He slammed the card in his machine, and thanks to really cool special effects, a shock of powerful lightning atomized every one of Kaiba's monsters. "And I'll switch Witch of the Black Forest(1200/1100) into attack mode and also summon Sangan(1000/600) to the field!" The brown fuzzball now appeared next to the black-clad witchy bitchy. "Now attack!"

Kaiba smiled goofily. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! You fool! I was expecting your attack!" He pressed a button, and a revolving circle of steel leaves manifested, blocking all strikes by Rayde's monsters. "Ring of Defense stops all Life Point damage to me for this turn!" Seto blew his tongue toward his adversary. "YOU SUCK!"

Rayde snorted. "Whatever. With Laser Curfew in play, you can't attack me. So go already."

Snarling, Seto snapped up a new card, only to laugh stupidly. "YAY! I'M GOING TO BECOME RICHER!"

"How?" Rayde demanded. "You can't attack me!"

"Not if I play this, ASSHAT! GO, SUICIDE HOLE!" Instantly, a GIGANTIC black hole materialized above the two duelists. "Suicide Hole instantly blows up every card on your side of the field, WITH NO COST TO ME AT ALL!"

And so it was done. Startled, Rayde screamed, "HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?! THAT CARD SHOULDN'T EVEN BE LEGAL!"

Seto grinned. "Easy." Now he looked at the reader. "It's a spoof, remember?"

"DAMN!"

"Now, by discarding three monsters from my Graveyard, I can summon Avenging Wyrm(3000/3000)!" Dark clouds flew into the sky, and from the heavens, a dark-brown skinned dragon blasted downwards, his body marked with jagged black stripes and lines. Happily, Seto pointed at Rayde. "ATTACK THE BASTARD NOW!"

The resulting explosion, like last time, drop-kicked Rayde toward the skies. "I NEED A BETTER EXITTTT!" he shouted, soon disappearing.

"Way to go, Seto!" Mokuba said.

But Seto was not too happy with the outcome. Now, he was jumping up and down, quite pissed off. "OH, NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR! WHERE'S MY DAMN MONEY?!"

"It's okay, Seto," Mokuba consoled, patting the elder Kaiba on the trenchcoat. "You're tired. Maybe you should have your nap."

Seto nodded. "Yeah, me tired now. Let's go home."

So, they left. With their departure, the closed-off street was now abandoned once more. But even though this part of the story is complete, two other battles are now in progress. Remember, the spirit of the Millenium Dark Magician Plushy was locked in a duel with Yami Celebi, and Amidamaru and his friends had just met a new face of terror known as Sephiroth. How will these struggles end? We'll find out, next time on-

"HELLO, READING PEOPLE!"

Seto Kaiba had returned, and was now squishing his face to the camera. "BLOOBY BLOO-BLOO!"

"SETO!" Mokuba shouted. "GET AWAY FROM THERE!"

* * *

Thanks to the whole nature of the spoof, I can use stupid cards that have no real purpose in the game! Here's a description of the custom cards in this chapter:

Dragon Left(Dragon-Type/WATER/4 Stars/ATK 3000/DEF 3000): If Dragon Right and Dragon Center are on the field with this card, you may place a Draconic Champion token(Dragon-Type/Light/12 Stars/ATK 9000/DEF 9000) in play. As long as Dragon left remains on the field, you must hold out your left arm at all times, even when drawing or playing a card. If you cannot hold out your left arm or do not have one, sacrifice Dragon Left.

Laser Curfew(Trap): Pay 1000 Life Points and discard any number of monsters whose total Level Stars equal eight in order to activate this card. When your opponent's monster attacks, negate that attack. To keep this card on the field, you must pay 1500 Life Points during your Standby Phase. If you cannot, this card is destroyed.

Suicide Hole(Magic): Suicide Hole cannot be countered. Destroy all cards on your opponent's side of the field. (BROKEN AS HELL!)

Avenging Wyrm(Dragon-Type/DARK/8 Stars/ATK 3000/DEF 3000): Avenging Wyrm cannot be Normal Summoned. You may remove two Dragon-Type monsters and a "Lord of Dragons" in order to Special Summon this card to the field. At the end of your turn, destroy Avenging Wyrm.

Now, what's wrong with this chapter?

A. Seto Kaiba was WAY out of his normal character.  
B. Suicide Hole is extremely broken.  
C. Dr. Evil didn't say the famous line.

If you guessed C, you're right! Like when you're playing Chrono Trigger, you can legally say, "People, I'm about to travel back in time. I bid you adieu."

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we use several Dual Techs on Chapter Fourteen: I'm In A Bad Brood. 


	15. I'm In a Bad Brood

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea. 

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway. 

A/N: Okay, people, time to get serious. A reviewer has raised concern over my use of Adolf Hitler in this parody. To you, I say this-I am well aware of what he has done. I am aware of the people he has killed and the acts he has committed. I am aware. However, my reference dictates to Mel Brooks' musical "The Producers", which in the midst of it was another play called "Springtime for Hitler". In that play, Hitler's acts are, in a sense, glorified, but then again, that musical, like this fanfiction, was designed to make fun. Keep in mind that Mel Brooks is Jewish as well, and he managed to poke fun at this otherwise evil man. That is merely what I am doing. I do not hate Jewish people, nor do I support Hitler's ideas. But in the end, they are ideas, and people must choose to accept or ridicule them. I apologize here and now if my use of Nazi propoganda has insulted any of my reviewers. 

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon 

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain 

Chapter Fourteen: I'm In A Bad Brood   
_The wise author handles a tragic past with care and responsibility. After all, a character with a black-hearted rival, a mother crippled by dark magic, a dip in the family coffers, and a shady memory is not tragic. He has just been fucked over many times._

When we last left Kai Kaethen, Yoh, and Amidamaru, they were happily enjoying various licensed sodas while trying to figure out the mystery behind Necropotus, the spirit of the Millennium Dark Magician Plushy, who seemed to be Amidamaru's daughter. How this was possible, they had no clue. Before they could determine an answer, the street outside the soda shop exploded into a blazing inferno, and upon investigation, the trio discovered that Sephiroth was behind the carnage. Let's zoom in on the action... 

"Sephiroth..." Amidamaru breathed. "I thoguht you were dead." 

Sephiroth merely smirked. "No, Snake Plissken is dead. I, however, am not." 

"I don't get it," Kai said. "Who's Sephiroth?" 

"Haven't you ever played Final Fantasy VII, Kai?" Yoh asked. 

The black-vested teen pondered for a moment. He did remember a game that had Final Fantasy in its title. But its final boss was some woman named Ultimaceia, so that didn't work. Ooh, what about that one game with the talking frog and the thing named Lavos? No, wait, that was Chrono Trigger. "I guess I haven't." 

"What?!" Sephiroth seemed truly shocked. "Don't tell me you haven't heard of Final Fantasy VII!" 

"Is that a problem?" Kai asked. Immediately after he said that, he wished to retract it, for Sephiroth, in one blinding movement, had closed distance between him and pointed the tip of his long katana to the other's throat. 

"Yes, that's a problem!" Sephiroth hissed. "You have no clue what you're missing out on! The battles, the cool summons, the detailed graphics, the excellent sounds, and most important of all, the plot!" Sephiroth's tight point on Kai's jugular waned, and the white-haired man gained a distant look. "Ah, the storyline. Heralded by all as the best of its time, it wove a complex tale of intrigue, mystery, action, and most important of all, sorrow between its characters." 

"This guy sounds like an advertisement," Amidamaru whispered to Yoh. 

"I know what it's like!" Sephiroth suddenly declared, releasing all threat to Kai and looking toward the sky. "I know of the sorrow inflicted upon my life. I know of the pain I dealt to others, caught in a mad quest to claim my Ancient lineage. Why, I went so far as to slay an innocent young woman, for crimes she had never even spoke of!" 

"Well, that's nice, but-" Yoh tried to say, but once again, Sephiroth cut him off. 

"I remember it like it was yesterday," the Mako-infused general said, walking out to the middle of the street, ignoring the flames rushing about him and his unwilling audience. "I was in a Shinra van, riding along with that little pretty boy known as Cloud Strife. We were on our way to investigate a Mako reactor gone horribly awry. Little did I realize that my life as I knew it would turn into a downward spiral of destruction!" 

"Yeah, but-" 

"For you see," Sephiroth continued, "I was told that a woman named Jenova was my true mother. All through my life, I believed it. All through my life, I thought of her as kind and beautiful, a angel siphoned back to the heaven from whence she came when I was born. But there, at that baneful reactor, I learned of her true identity-as a horrible, monstrous creature, a alien from the sky, blasted onto this world, this planet." 

"Sephiroth, we don't-" 

"And from there, the delusion continued," Sephiroth ranted on, the plights of his listeners untended. "She began to speak to me as I pulled her tentacled form from its coffin. She convinced me to seize my moment, to reclaim the planet for the Cetras, for the being I held in my arms. As I travelled, fufilling her heinous demands, she spoke to me of one other. A girl who threatened to quaff my efforts. A girl whom I later realized controlled the planet's power within herself." Sephiroth's empty fist clenched. "A girl named Aeris Gainsbourogh." 

"We don't care-" 

Now Sephiroth's voice rose in a definite anger. "And I slew her! I destroyed that lone woman on the very tip of this blade itself! And what was my reward? Insurpassable agony borne on the edge of Cloud's sword! And a fate damned to writhe in cheesy fanfictions!" In climax, Sephiroth swung to face Kai, Yoh, and Amidamaru. "I know of pain! No one can compete against my agony!" 

"Thou art mistaken, knave!" a new voice shouted. Er, croaked. 

All glanced south, toward further carnage and chaos. When looked upon at a distance, and without the flames, the newcomer would seem like a valiant figure draped in shadow. However, illuminated and sought at close range, it really turned out to be a small, humanoid frog. Wearing white trousers, brown boots, and bronze armor over its green skin, cloaked by a green cape, this frog balanced a particularly large longsword in one hand. 

"And who are you as to make such a claim?" Sephiroth jested. 

The amphibian smirked. "I am refered to as Frog, villain!" 

A pause. Then: 

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" 

Frog's mouth curled in irritation. "Dost thou think so poorly of my appearance?" 

Tears of grand amusement were streaming down Sephiroth's face as he guffawed idiotically. 

"Pretty much, yeah," Kai explained. 

Now Frog seemed livid, his big yellow eyes reflecting rage. "Thou insult me, knave! My past is fiftyfold more tragic than thee!" 

Sephiroth was calming down to a level of chuckling. "Oh, really? Does it concern the whole frog face?" 

"A tad, but it delves into greater fields." Frog's expression now was distant, and he bowed his head. "Ages past, I knew a grand hero, one who stood for honor and tradition. In those days of yore, I was not as thou sees me, but of a different nature. I was this man's eager accomplice, watching in awe as he fought honorably in many conflicts. I was his student, of sorts. But most of all, I was his friend." 

"Oh, here we go." Yoh sighed, settling in for another boring story. 

But like the man in black, Frog would not relent in his tale. "In this time, our greatest foe hath turned toward the side of good, but in those days, he was of the most vile evil. Magus is his name-to speak of that man in precense of villagers would be to spark decisive fear. My friend was determined to transverse the lengths of the land to put an end to Magus, and foolishly, I trailed along. In my haste to do good with my friend, I forgot that I could not truly aid him..." 

"Why must God punish me so?" Amidamaru whined. 

The frog's sword was gripped ever tighter. "We confronted Magus and his foul disciple Ozzie upon Denaboro Mountain. My friend struck first, but Magus answered that blow with one of greater force. I barely hath time to mourn for my fallen ally before Magus inflicted me with this new form, causing myself to topple downward off the ledge. I survived that day, but my friend did not. And so, then and there, I swore to uphold his tradition. I bested Magus with other allies, and thought the deed to be done until we were determined to intertwine powers to cease the reign of Lavos, a creature of colossal destruction!" Frog's sword stabbed accusingly toward Sephiroth. "So thou sees! My story is one of loss, of depression, of union with the same person who destroyed countless lives! Thus, it is far more tragic than thee's!" 

"So what?" Sephiroth shrugged. "I killed people. I blew stuff up. AND I went practically crazy! Now, if that's not tragic, I don't know what it is!" 

"Thy tale is not tragic!" Frog countered. "Tis merely the delusions of a lunatic!" 

This struck a chord. "I've had it up to here with your stupid crap!" Sephiroth snapped, raising a flat hand above his eyes to indicate his displeasure. "Now you DIE!" 

"A challenge?" Frog croaked in amusement. "I accept thy jest!" With that, the amphibian swung his longsword into a offensive position. "And by the blade of Masamune, I shalt win through!" 

"Masamune!" Sephiroth shouted. "Impossible!" He swung his own long katana forward. "My weapon is the Masamune!" 

"Madman! MY weapon is the true Masamune! And I shalt prove it!" 

"Go ahead and try, FROG LEGS!" 

Yoh looked worriedly to his spirit companion. "Should we help, Amidamaru?" 

Kai shook his head. "Nah. Let them fight it out." 

So, with the flaming city as their battleground, Frog and Sephiroth both held their stance, respective Masamunes drawn, refusing to give in. On a whim, hit point and magic point meters appeared above their heads. 

Frog: HP 1550/MP 160   
Sephiroth: 2000/MP 235 

"Cool!" Amidamaru said. 

And Frog made the first move, leaping at his opponent behind powerful legs. Masamune sliced air and threatened to crash through Sephiroth's chest, but its twin had risen to deflect the blow, sparks rising with the strike. Unrelentless, Frog landed and chopped at Sephiroth's unprotected side, this time scoring a hit. Instead of clothes rending and blood spewing, a small white "156" appeared above Sephiroth's head, and his HP adjusted accordingly: 

Frog: HP 1550/MP 160   
Sephiroth: HP 1844/MP 235 

"Spiffy," Kai said. 

Now pissed, Sephiroth sent his own Masamune singing, and in a marvelous display of skill, slashed Frog through the head and twice in the chest. First a "200" appeared above the amphibian swordsman, then two "130"s popped up. 

Frog: HP 1090/MP 160   
Sephiroth: HP 1844/MP 235 

Sephiroth drew back the katana to stab further, but then Frog was suddenly not there. Confused, Sephiroth looked ahead, where his opponent had moved to. Frog's arms were spread, his eyes were closed, and he was rapidly mumbling words under his breath. Quickly, Sephiroth found out why-an airborne tidal wave crashed down on him, registering 279 points of damage. Immediately Frog entered into a new attack, and as he bounded high into a smoke-filled sky, he disappeared briefly before falling upon Sephiroth, his sword inflicting 251 points more. 

Frog: HP 1090/MP 148   
Sephiroth: HP 1314/MP 235 

"You're more powerful than I gave you credit for," Sephiroth snarled. "You've already lowered my hit points to nearly 1300. But I still possess the advantage!" Taking his own amazing leap backward, the green explosion of magic surrounded the man, and briefly, the black smoke parted as a jagged burst of lightning struck Frog, dealing an incredible 436 damage. 

Frog: HP 654/MP 148   
Sephiroth: HP 1314/MP 227 

"Frog!" Kai and his friends shouted in worry. 

Grunting, Frog managed to stand, his flesh undamaged by the miracles of videogame graphics. "The legends are true," he said, tighting Masamune's hold. "Thou art truly the Sephiroth of myth. Were you not a cruel dickhole, I should take pride in this duel." 

Sephiroth's rage subsided for a moment. "Well, you're not so bad yourself, froggy. Now-" Masamune of Final Fantasy pointed at its target-"let us see whose Masamune is the greatest!" The black-caped warrior flew straight at Frog, who fiercely rose his weapon to ward the blow. Frog expertly forced his blade down, causing Sephiroth to stumble forth, before collapsing into a vicious slash at the other's back, the number 283 appearing. His next strike was met by Sephiroth's Masamune, who, in a violent arc, twisted Frog toward the side where the general could attack, dealing 145 further damage to the amphibian. 

Frog: HP 509/MP 148   
Sephiroth: HP 1031/MP 227 

Soon, the two combatants' blades locked in another death embrace, Frog and Sephiroth struggling to use their weight to topple the other. Finally, Sephiroth won out, shoving Frog away, and drawing further power, sliced up the amphibian, Masamune striking and crashing with intense force and deadly accuracy. With each blow, Kai and friends "OOH!"ed and "AHH!"ed, sharing Frog's pain. When the devestating series of attacks had ceased, the final numbers had disappeared, and Frog was wallowing on the pavement, his Masamune scattered away from him. 

Frog: HP 1/MP 148   
Sephiroth: HP 1031/MP 227 

"Well," Sephiroth said, his foot landing on Frog's head, "that was fun. But I'm afraid I win." He smiled maliciously. "Now say uncle." 

"Mummph-mummph!" was Frog's vague reply. Noticing that Frog was eating pavement, and therefore could not answer, Sephiroth shifted his weight to the other's caped back. Now free to speak, Frog spat, "I will never bow down to thee!" 

Sephiroth made a rude buzzing sound. "Wrong answer!" A heavy boot smashed into Frog's backside, and he cried out in pain. Grinning, his face full of evil, Sephiroth bent low to Frog's level, speaking to him as if he were a child. "Now, what was that again?" 

Frog grinned right back. "Frog Squash." 

"What?" 

Frog pointed up. Sephiroth's gaze followed, leading to the thick spiraling trails of smoke in the sky. 

His eyes widened as a gigantic frog of power fell from the heavens. "Holy-!" 

SPLAT! With a resounding crash, Frog Squash flattened Sephiroth, dealing an amazing total of 1549 damage points. When the frog vanished, Sephiroth lay on the ground beside his worthy opponent, moaning in pain. 

Frog: HP 1/MP 140   
Sephiroth: HP 0/MP 227 

"What happened?" Kai asked, astounded. 

"Frog Squash inflicts points of damage equal to the amount of hit points Frog has lost," Amidamaru replied intelligently. He was given a look. "What?" 

Grunting, Frog stood, and retrieved Masamune, sliding the blade back into its scabbard. "Thou are a formidable adversary, Sephiroth," he said, dragging toward the defeated man. "And thou hath repented for thy crimes. Mayhaps you shall become a warrior whom will be remembered for thy honorable deeds." 

Without looking, Sephiroth grasped Frog's helping hand, and was lifted by the amphibian. "Thank you, Frog. That means a lot." Solemnly, he turned to face the the burning streets about the players. "Now I must stop this inferno before it destroys anything else." A blast of green magic erupted in a wave about him, and he raised the hilt of Masamune to the skies. From the smoke and above, stormclouds gathered and unleashed a torrent of rain, battling the fire and utterly triumphing. Of course, it cost Sephiroth 5 magic points, but it was worth it. 

"Now THAT was a fight!" Yoh said happily as the others approached Frog and Sephiroth. "Maybe you two can form a team!" 

Frog shook his head. "No thanks. We art of two different paths." 

Sephiroth, however, was offended with that statement. "WHAT? Are you implying I couldn't cut it?" 

"No, I was just-" 

"See this sword?" Sephiroth snapped, pointing Masamune very close to Frog's brain. "THIS sword implies that I can most certainly CUT WHATEVER comes up! Understand?" 

"Sir!" Frog retorted. "I'll thank thee not to wave thy blade at my face!" 

"So?! You think I can't take you? You just got lucky back there!" 

"I defeated thee fair and square!" 

"BULLSHIT!" 

Kai shook his head in annoyance. "I think they're going to make a great team..." 

Amidamaru smiled. "True, true." 

"That was sarcasm, Amidamaru." 

"I'm well aware of that." 

* * *

Once again, I apologize for my misuse of Sephiroth and Frog, two excellent swordsmen. All right, put the blades down, guys... 

Now, what's wrong with this chapter? 

A. Both Sephiroth and Frog delved into a unnecessary past of angsty stuff.   
B. The battle was not needed.   
C. Where's my damn Knights of the Round?! 

If you guessed C, you're right! Everybody knows that if you hit Sephiroth with Knights of the Round, he dies in both forms. Meanwhile, Mr. Emerald Weapon can take fifty of these and still live! What the hell's the problem here? 

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we sign our John Hancock for Chapter Fifteen: Bloody Al Gore. 


	16. Bloody Al Gore

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: It's the Shameless Advertising Hour! Okay, do you people know SerenaArythusa? Well, she's holding this big AU Fanfiction Contest at her website, www.royaltwilight.com, and I KNOW some of you out there are itchin' to do some of that stuff, so you might as well go here. If you don't go for that, at least go for her hilarious Bakura-centric comic strip, "Take Me To Your Captain!" I even checked it out myself! I never advertise without checking out the place myself, and this site gets the Helldragon Seal of Approval! Now, go, and do your master proud!

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

Chapter Fifteen: Bloody Al Gore  
_The wise author realizes that blood and guts are excellent tools for scaring adult readers. For children, however, the author will merely have to content himself with the explaination of a homosexual Tellytubby._

Some grand time ago, back in Chapter Eleven, Yugi and his friends met up with Mai Valentine, and, with Ryou Bakura's unwilling help, discover a small girl named Ruki, who in turn controlled the Millennium Dark Magician Plushy. However, when Yami Celebi returned to steal the Item, the MDMP's spirit, a swordswoman named Necropotus emerged, and through many cuss words, began to duel with the evil snotball. Here's the status of the field:

Yami Celebi has 3500 Life Points. She controls Luster Dragon on the field, and holds Unfriendly Amazon, Black Pendant, Bladefly, Elegant Egotist, and Woodland Sprite in her hand. Her turn has just ended.

Necropotus has 2100 Life Points with nothing on the field. She holds Messenger of Peace, Gravity Bind, Jinzo #7, Widespread Ruin, Dark Core, and Servant of Catabolism. Her Jinzo #7 has just been destroyed by Yami Celebi's Luster Dragon. Her turn is just beginning.

Now, to the action!

***

"I will crush you for insulting my mother!" Yami Celebi spat. "Make your move!"

Necropotus drew fiercely (Type Zero Magic Crusher). Hmmm. This card might be what she needed. "Okay, you green shitmonkey," the swordswoman said, "I'll place two cards face down (Widespread Ruin, Type Zero Magic Crusher) and summon Servant of Catabolism (700/500) in attack mode!" Instantly, a large blue snail thing materialized. "Guess what?" she asked. "This monster can also attack your Life Points directly! Have at you!" The Servant's shell glowed, emitting a beam of magic that sent Yami Celebi reeling.

Yami Celebi: 2800/Necropotus: 2100

"OW! You'll pay for that!" Angrily, Yami Celebi took a new card (Coercion). "Perfect! I'll use my Magic card, Coercion! I can look at of one of your facedown cards, and at the cost of 500 Life Points, I can destroy it!" On the yami's command, the green border card popped up behind her Luster Dragon. Yami Celebi pointed directly at Necropotus' Type Zero Magic Crusher. "Now, nuke that one!"

Necropotus smirked. "Good! I'll just activate the card you were about to destroy in response! Type Zero Magic Crusher does 500 points of damage to you for each Magic card I discard from my hand!" She pulled Dark Core and Messenger of Peace from her hand, sliding them into the slot on her Duel Disk labeled for her discard pile. "AND, since you paid 500 Life Points to use Coercion's other effect, you've lost more Life Points than a stupid asshole like you can count!"

A towering, purplish machine rife with tubes and gauges rose from Necropotus' card. It rumbled for a minute, green power drawing toward the thing, before exploding into a brilliant explosion, the resulting shockwave slicing into Yami Celebi, lowering her Life Points further.

Yami Celebi: 1300/Necropotus: 2100

"Yay…" Tristan went, already bored with it all.

However, the rest of his friends were overjoyed, like they usually are during otherwise simplistic duels. "Great job, whoever you are!" Yugi shouted to the swordswoman.

"Good shot!" Joey cried.

"FUCK ME, PLEASE!" went a desperate Ryou.

"HA HA HA," Yami Celebi laughed loudly and humorlessly. "Go ahead, keep laughing. But make no mistake! I shall defeat you, you snarky bitch!" She squinted at the field. "Hmm. Even though it would be easy to nuke your stupid snail with my Luster Dragon, I think I'll switch him into defense mode and summon another monster facedown (Woodland Sprite)." Yami Celebi grinned evilly to her opponent. "I'm done."

"In a few minutes, you will be." Necropotus took her card (Shooting Star Bow-Ceal). This wouldn't do. She needed another attacker to finish this quickly. Her Shooting Star Bow would be perfect, had she controlled another monster. For now, she merely said, "I'll place one more card facedown (Gravity Bind) and stop there."

"Running out of options?" Yami Celebi taunted. "Don't think I'm going to let you keep passing, now. I'm planning your defeat as I speak." Fiercely, she snapped up a new card (Harpie Lady) and grinned. "Excellent! I summon Harpie Lady(1300/1400) in attack mode!" A blistery tornado kicked up ("AUGH! MY EYEBALLS!" Yami shouted), and when it dissipated, there was the Harpie Lady in full bloom, still dressed in her traditional slutty garb.

"THERE'S MY HARPIE LADY!" Mai screeched in delight. "HI, HON!"

The Duel Monster waved back, then, like before, winked suggestively at Joey, who promptly began to freak out.

Yami Celebi pouted. "Okay…NOW I activate Elegant Egotist, which will split my one Harpie Lady into three!" As soon as the Magic card was played, the Harpie Lady's image began to waver extremely.

"Here comes two!" Tristan said as the monster was dissolved into two clones. The process repeated once again, and golden armor materialized over the three copies.

"Behold!" Yami Celebi declared. "My Harpie Lady Sisters(1950/2100)! And with the power of the Black Pendant, their attack power jumps another 500!" In unison, three black-pearled necklaces appeared around the slender necks of the Sisters, their stats increasing to 2450/2100.

"This is turning out to be more like Joey's duel," said Yugi. "Except, of course, more interesting."

"WHAT?!"

"I switch Luster Dragon to attack mode! ATTACK THE BITCHEROONYDOONY, MY PETS!" Yami Celebi intoned. At once, the amazing wind power gathered into Luster Dragon's maw, while the Harpie Lady Sisters drew their own magic.

"I don't think so!" Necropotus declared. "Activate BOTH my facedown cards!" Her traps rose to defend her. "Widespread Ruin kills the attacking monster with the highest ATK power, and Gravity Bind stops all monsters who are level four or higher from attacking!" At once, the Harpie Lady Sisters perished in a fiery explosion, and a spherical web emerged from the earth to trap the Luster Dragon.

"YAY!" went the cheerleaders.

"DRAT!" Yami Celebi swore like a melodramatic villain.

"And now," Necropotus declared, taking her card(Dark Overload), "I activate Dark Overload! By paying half of my Life Points-and yes, I know they have decreased by 500 points due to Black Pendant-and discarding two cards I control on the field or in my hand, I can increase my monster's attack points by 2000 until the end of my turn!" The web vanished, and a dark, evil power flowed to Servant of Catabolism, an aura of unholy light erupting about it.

"Oh, SHIT-" Yami Celebi's full curse word was cut off as a vicious stream of shadowy power crashed into her, the holograms detonating for no reason due to the attack.

Yami Celebi: 0/Necropotus: 800

"YEAH!" Joey shouted. "SHE WON!"

"Can you fuck me now?" Ryou whined.

"I'll foolishly assume that Yami Celebi is taking this defeat rather hard," Yami guessed. As one, all looked toward the snotty mastermind. But she wasn't crying hysterically. In fact, she was doing EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE! Laughing, mind you.

"Why are you laughing?" Necropotus demanded. "I won!"

"I am well aware of that," Yami Celebi replied, still smiling. "You have definitely proven your skill in the art of dueling."

"That's a relief," Tristan sighed.

From behind her back, Yami Celebi suddenly produced a large bladed staff, consisting of a dark purple magic. "Now you shall DIE!"

"HOLY SHIT!" Yugi shouted as Necropotus drew her own weapon. "That yami's gonna cut her up but good!"

"What can we do?" Mai asked worriedly.

Screaming a death cry, her opponent sternly awaiting the assualt, Yami Celebi leap straight up, holding her fauchard with fury, preparing to elapse into a full-bodied vertical slash. Time almost paused. On one side, the anxious crowd of Yugi, Yami, Joey, Tristan, Bakura, and Mai watched, worried. Necropotus maintained a balanced combat position, her longsword at the ready, her cape flowing in the wind. And in the air was Yami Celebi, rearing to strike, a malicious grin on its face.

When suddenly…

"SMOOCH TO THE MOTHERFUCKIN' DUDE!"

A colossal wave of light blue energy exploded between the two fighters from an unknown source. Now, it COULD HAVE hit the crowd, but they had either A) leapt out of the way at the last moment, or B) wasn't in the way to begin with, so don't sweat it. Anyway, it crashed into some building in the populated distance, but Yami Celebi, frozen in the air, was unconcerned with that. "Where in the hell did that come from?" she asked.

"Look!" said Yugi pointing south toward the hospital where they had desposited Matt and Tea.

And lo and behold, Matt Willard stood at the glass double doors! But now, for some odd reason, he was garbed differently. He was dressed in black pants and shirt, with a buttoned overcoat tinted dark blue, splitting into two sides at his waist. On his shoulder, he bore a black shoulder plate, with a red rim, and his right arm had an elaborate bracer of the same color. But, what was most important was the thin sword of quivering power he held in his right hand, colored just like the energy wave.

"Matt?!" Yami exclaimed. "What-how-why-"

Matt smiled. "I can't really explain it, either. I woke up just a few moments after you left my room, with this new clothing hanging on the coatrack. So, I took it."

"Not dat!" Joey shouted. "Da sword!"

Matt glanced at his energy weapon. "Oh. I'm not sure about this, either, but I think my battle with Szarbarus gave me more power than I thought. Now, I am…" Wind appropriately kicked up, his new coat dancing. "An Elemental Adept!"

"A WHAT?" Tristan asked, incredulous.

"Not only can I use general elemental attacks," Matt explained, "but I can also imitate the main elements of the world-Thunder, Water, Fire, Wind, Forest, and Earth-to a minor extent." His eyes narrowed; the others were giving him a dumbfounded look. "Don't ask me how I know. I just do." He pointed to the swordswoman. "Who's this, by the way?"

"I am Necropotus," the spirit in question answered, bowing. "I am honored to meet you, Matt."

"EXCUSE ME," Yami Celebi interrupted. She still was hanging in the air with her fauchard. "Can we please get on with the fight?"

"And don't go thinking I forgot you, Yami Celebi!" Matt said, smirking. "I've been itchin' for a chance to blow something up, and it looks like you're it!"

"Do you wish for me to step aside?" Necropotus asked graciously.

Matt nodded. "Thank you." He thrust his sword at Yami Celebi, who, finally, landed on the pavement. "Now your ass is MINE, bitch!" On cue, green health meters appeared above the heads of both Matt and Yami Celebi.

MW: /////////////////////////  
YC: /////////////////////////

"This ought to be good," Mai said.

Snarling, Yami Celebi brought her fauchard about to meet Matt's withdrawn sword. "You talk the talk, Elemental, but can you walk the walk?"

Matt merely smirked. "Let's go. Vorpal Slash!" With a roar, he swung his blade, and the same energy stream attacked his opponent. Yami Celebi quickly spun her staff, creating a barrier to ward the strike. The elemental wave harmlessly crashed against this shield. Brow furrowed, Matt leapt to the sunny sky.

"It's time to die, fool!" Yami Celebi shouted, looking up at the airborne warrior. "Wave of Despair!" Her fauchard flew upwards in an uppercut, the resulting tidal surge blasting at Matt. The attack struck him head on, and he cried out in pain as he fell. The vicious blow had sliced into his clothing, and already, his chest was singed with blood.

MW: ////////////////////  
YC: /////////////////////////

Matt quickly recovered on the ground, clutching his bleeding torso, now leaking down his shirt. "Oh, you think you're hot shit, eh? Suck it down!" His sword fell down, then sideways, making an arcane cross. "Katana Cross!" Before Yami Celebi could move, the attack blasted her with a fierce power, and she reeled, her grip faltering.

MW: ////////////////////  
YC: /////////////////////

The spirit had been slashed in several places, and now, that lifefluid dripped down her chest and arms. "Damn…playing for keeps, are we?"

"I've always hated Mortal Kombat, but here we are," Matt said. As soon as he said it, he attacked again. "Thousand Knives!" Closing his eyes, he put the flat of his sword to his body, and instantly, many rows of white hot daggers assembled about his body, all pointed at Yami Celebi. She immediately prepared to block them all, but even she failed to comprehend the speed at which the daggers struck. They blasted through her body with impudity, slicing her limbs to bloody ribbons, tearing flesh and sinew into a large, gory pulp.

MW: ////////////////////  
YC: //////////

"Oh, holy hell!" Joey swore.

Panting, with crimson flowing down her lips, Yami Celebi regarded her opponent, which didn't really intimidate since her body looked like a bloody Swiss cheese. "You are quite powerful, boy…it's such a waste that you can't be evil…"

"I can most certainly be evil!" Matt sniffed. "I've done it before! I found this little ball monster thing that could make people fall in love, and-"

"Wave of Despair!"

MW: ////////  
YC: //////////

"MATT!" his supporters cried.

Matt fell to his hands and knees. That last attack had tore up his coat like a motherfucker, and now, impossible amounts of blood tainted his black shirt. He mustered himself to look up at Yami Celebi, who was rapidly approaching him. "Damn…you…"

KICK!

MW: //////  
YC: //////////

Yami Celebi harshly kicked Matt in his ribs, sending the boy to the cold ground. "Eventually. Though I must say, you'll be going sooner than I will." Solemnly, she raised her fauchard. "Goodbye, Matt Willard. It wasn't so great to know you. In fact, I'd rather forget it. But now I kill you, then I forget it." The fauchard chopped downwards…

"Fearsome Joust!"

That attack didn't come from Matt. He was too busy bleeding on the pavement. Nor did it come from Yami Celebi. In fact, she was the recipent of that attack-a blade, glowing holy white, had pierced through her heart, spilling more blood about her, mixing with the lifefluid from the earlier Katana Cross. Weakly, Matt looked up.

Necropotus, in Yami Celebi's moment of triumph, had charged up her blade and run through the spirit. With a sickening sound, the weapon was released from its victim, and, gushing buckets of gore, the spirit stumbled about, its fauchard fading. The swordswoman looked to Matt.

"FINISH HER!" she shouted, like that dude from Mortal Kombat.

Grinning nastily, his energy sword returning, Matt stood. Severly injured, yes, but actually quite a handsome sight when compared to the other. The boy delcared, "Now to use a move I don't technically own, but I'm stealing it 'cause it looks cool!" His sword shone brightly.

And Matt Willard, with a vengeance, slashed and cut and sliced and diced Yami Celebi with dozens of furious sword attacks in every alternating direction. Then, the boy leapt straight up into the air, and the tip of the weapon glowed ever further.

"OMNISLASH!"

Needless to say, Matt could cut it. And he did. Right into two bloody, disgusting pieces.

The remains of Yami Celebi fell opposite directions with a squish.

No one spoke for a while. No one breathed. Well, technically, they did, but you couldn't hear it, 'cause, you know, it's shocking and stuff. Matt held his finishing pose on the ground, his sword at the ready, breathing heavily, his clothes stained a dark ruby.

Then, loudly, Ryou spoke. "WELL, THAT WAS FUN! Can we fuck now, Necro? Please?"

"VORPAL SLASH!"

"OKAY! OKAY! I'LL STOP ASKING! DAMN!"

Necropotus stared at the Millenium Scheiss that used to belong to Yami Celebi. Finally, she bowed to Matt. "You are more deserving of this prize, Matt."

"Nah…" Matt said, blushing. "You're the one that beat her in a duel to her Item."

"But you are the one that defeated the meance for good!" Necropotus said.

"That's true!" Hastily, Matt shook his head. "No! You have it!"

"No, you have it."

"You have it."

"You have it."

"You have it!"

"You have it!"

"Okay, I'll take it, then!"

Both Necropotus and Matt looked to Yami Bakura, who had come up and taken the Schiess. He grinned innocently. "What?"

"Vorpal-"

Yami Bakura grimaced. "Sorry! Here!" He tossed the golden shit to Matt, then promptly retreated into the Millenium Ring.

"Excuse me," Tristan proclaimed, holding up a finger. "Does anyone else here have a problem with the face that we just killed Yami Celebi, who had really taken over an innocent girl?"

All answered. "No."

"Okay, I'm cool," Tristan said.

"Man, I am hungry!" Joey groaned. "I need some food!"

"I need a new wardrobe," said Matt, looking at his clothes. Then he fainted from the blood loss.

"Not again," Mai sighed, rolling her eyes.

So, they all helped Matt back into Domino Hospital. But little did they realize that Yami Celebi's corpse had mysteriously vanished…

And, you know, insert evil laughter here.

* * *

Okay...that was weird. Now, I used two cards in this chapter that are my own creation (Coercion and Dark Overload) but since I explained them in the chapter, I'm not doing it again.

Now, after this whole series is said and done (yes, it will END!) I will have to consider a new humor fic. Here are the options I'm musing over. If you have an opinion on these, EMAIL ME at helldragon4000@yahoo.com.

1. Write a fanfiction that's, well, humorous, but actually has a plot. Hard to do, but otherwise feasible and satisfying, like Mom used to make.  
2. Make fun of a movie.  
3. Make fun of a TV show. And no, we're not making fun of the show Yu-Gi-Oh itself.  
4. Actually continue "The Madness of Yami Marik!".

Now, what's wrong with this chapter?

A. They were spilling blood too easily during the fight.  
B. Matt could not have healed that quickly.  
C. Ryou is desperate for sex.

If you guessed C, you're right! Ryou's got enough fangirls on him, so he must secretly be a major pimp.

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, (and this is for you, all you fangirls!) when we, gulp, chug down the crappy taste that is Chapter Sixteen: "Slash" and Burn. 


	17. OH YEAH!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: NOOOOOOOOO! THAT PISSASS NOAH TURNED SETO KAIBA AND SERENITY TO STONE! I know Seto's always wanted to get stoned, BUT NOT LIKE THIS! ARGH! YOU DIE NOW, PISSY BOY!

Ahem...sorry. Anyway, this chapter is, unfortunately, NOT about slash like I said it would be. I've decided that I can't write about slash off the top of my head. I need to READ it. Shudder! But it must be done. So keep watch, slash authors! I MIGHT JUST DROP BY!

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

Chapter Sixteen: OH, YEAH!  
_The wise author must NEVER, EVER, EVER use Duffman in their fanfiction unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY for beer promotion._

Kai Kaethen rolled his eyes to the heavens, nary a trace of dark smoke above. It was some time after he, Yoh, Morty, and Amidamaru left the burning battlefield where a black-coated swordsman named Sephiroth and a amphibious warrior called Frog fought in semi-mortal combat. Now, without something to watch, or to do, Kai was immensely bored.

Of course, Morty had something to do. Having not been present at the fight, he was now eagerly listening to Yoh and Amidamaru describe the conflict, with Yoh using alternating "BOOM!"s and "BAP!"s. Kai looked about; the streets were surprisingly empty of duelists, especially in a huge city such as Domino City. He was still in Battle City 2, right?

"Hey, Kai!" Yoh suddenly said. "How many Locator Cards you got?"

Kai dug briefly into his pocket, and produced three clear cards. "Three. All I need is four more, and I'm in the finals." He looked forward again. Hopefully, his most desired adversaries would make it as well. There were two. First off, there was that denim-clad teenager called Matt Willard. Suffice it to say, Kai had never seen him duel before, so whether it would be easy or not depended. Then there was that green blob known as Yami Celebi. Ooh, he wanted to "moider" her so bad! If the gods smiled upon him, then he might get his chance with one opponent, maybe both.

"What's that?" Morty asked.

"What's what?" Amidamaru asked back.

"That upbeat, rockin' sound," the smallest replied.

"I think it's coming behind us!" Yoh said, turning about.

Kai did so too. But he immediately wished he hadn't. No amount of preparation could have saved him from this awful sight approaching him now!

The air was rocked with steady, beating drum music, and up the catwalk strutted an exteremely out of place character. His powerful body was clothed in a tight, light blue sleeveless shirt, with the word "Duff" written across it in black, curvy letters. His pants were also light blue, but more baggy, and his strutting was done in white boots. Around his waist was a steady supply of various beer cans, and on his head, sunglasses and a red ballcap sat.

But that wasn't the most important thing. Around his wrist was a Duel Disk, already loaded with a deck. Kai arched an eyebrow. Who could this person be?

Unfortunately, the man answered that for him. "OH YEAH!" he shouted at a distance to the party, thrusting his pelvis outward, grinning stupidly. "Duffman is here at Battle City 2! And he's looking for you, you SEXY THING!" His finger jabbed at Yoh.

"What the hell is he babbling about?" Amidamaru questioned.

Duffman, if that was the man's true name, slowly walked up to Yoh, thrusting every step. "OH YEAH! Duffman's looking to groove on you! Duff Incorporated, our god and my sponsor, is looking for Kai Kaethen! Is that YOU?"

The white gloved finger landed closer to Yoh's nose. He grimaced. Kai spoke up. "Why do you want to know?"

"Because Duffman is looking for a DUEL! OH YEAH!" Duffman thrusted once more, inching dangerously near Yoh's midsection. "Duffman wants to duel Kai Kaethen for the rights to the Battle City 2 finals, making the previous rounds a complete waste of time! OH YEAH!"

Yoh's pleading eyes convinced Kai. "I'm Kai Kaethen!" he declared, bravely stepping forward. "And I accept your challenge, Duffman!"

"OH YEAH!" Duffman shouted. "It's time to DUEL! And if I win, this SEXY THING is all mine!" He poked Yoh in the stomach, smiling.

"Please win, Kai!" Amidamaru said.

The ring was soon set up. Kai and Duffman stood at a distance, their Duel Disk all ready to go, their Life Points at 4000. Kai drew his five cards. "I'm going first! I'll place one card facedown and summon Retrained Celtic Guardian(1400/1200) in attack mode!" Behind the resulting elven warrior, standing with his sword ready, a card appeared.

"Now it's Duffman's turn! OH YEAH!" Duffman glanced over his hand, and grinned. "Duffman will play one card facedown and summon Surly Duff(1800/500) in attack mode! OH YEAH!" A man encapsuled in a giant Duff beer bottle manifested, along with another card behind him. "Attack!"

Surly Duff pulled out a giant mace and waddled toward the Retrained Celtic Guardian. Before he could make contact, Kai pressed a button on his Duel Disk. "I activate Shadow Spell! This trap card lowers your monster's attack points by 800 for the remainder of the turn!" From the violet card, black chains burst forth, wrapping about Surly Duff, who started cursing.

"Now attack, Retrained Celtic Guardian!" The warrior dashed at the beer man, his sword slicing clean through, and Surly Duff exploded into holographic shards.

Kai: 4000/Duffman: 3600

Duffman laughed. "Duffman thanks Kai Kaethen for that attack! Now Duffman can activate his trap card! Super Malty Duff!" This card appeared on its back, and from the picture, a can of Super Malty Duff popped up to Duffman, which he quickly grabbed, opened, and quaffed. "Whenever one of Duffman's monsters with the word "Duff" in it is destroyed, Duffman gains 1000 Life Points! OH YEAH!"

Kai: 4000/Duffman: 4600

Kai snarled. "Those Life Points will soon be gone! It's my move!" Snatching his card, Kai formulated his plan. Duffman was now completely defenseless. A bit of direct attacking ought to save the day. And this new monster was perfect for the job. "I sacrifice my Retrained Celtic Guardian in order to summon Chaos Command Magician(2400/1900)!" The Celtic Guardian dissolved into shards like Surly Duff had, then reassembled into a tall wizard, lined in black-gold robes with an ebony staff.

"Now attack! Shadow Lightning!" The magician pointed his staff's tip to the sky, gathered dark thunder, and lashed it at Duffman, causing the beer-binger to fall on his ass with an explosion of electricity.

Kai: 4000/Duffman: 2200

"Great shot, Kai!" Morty cheered.

Duffman mustered to his feet, and thrusted again. "Duffman commends your skill, Kai Kaethen! But Duffman must defeat you in order to get to the finals!" His new card sent a grin across his face, just like every other card. Picking his cards, Duffman slid them in. "Now, Duffman summons Duffbot(2000/0) in attack mode by discarding Can Parts from his hand!" As smashed parts of discarded Duff fluttered away, a being consisting of more Duff cans digitized, his right arm making a Duff chaingun.

"Egads!" Amidamaru declared. "More Duff cards!"

"And Duffman will also play Duff Couch Control! By paying 1000 Life Points, Duffman can decrease the attack points of your Chaos Command Magician by half!" Kai's monster was forcibly dragged onto a brown couch. Duffman thrusted happily. "And then, it does it again!" Chaos Command Magician(600/1900)'s staff was replaced by a Duff, and he began to watch a sudden television in front of him, drinking heartily.

"Oh, shit!" Yoh swore. "That TV's playing Shaman King!"

"Does this TV make my butt look big?" Morty asked, pointing to his digital counterpart.

"Now," Duffman shouted, waving at the occupied Chaos Command Magician, "attack, Duffbot! Duff Bullet Time!" Time slowed down, like in the Matrix, and the camera revolved as Duffbot peppered Kai's monster with lead.

Kai: 2600/Duffman: 1200

Kai gritted his teeth. Curse it all! While he had less Life Points than Kai, Duffman controlled the field with that Duffbot! And nothing in his hand could defeat it! Unless, of course, he were to draw just the card he needed in order to win, like he'd seen in those TV shows! Closing his eyes, he drew, and opened them, expecting the card he wanted.

When Spell Shield Type-8 looked back at him, in a tone that clearly said, "HA! I'm not the card you need!" Kai shouted several profanities very loudly. He was then given a look. Kai sighed. Oh, well; he had to make do. "I'll place one card facedown and a monster in defense mode (Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer)."

Duffman chuckled at Kai's weak move. "Duffman thinks you're running out of options! Now Duffman will take a card!" So he grinned again. "Even though Duffman loses his Duffbot, he can still form a defense! Duffman summons Duff Blue Bomb(0/0) in attack mode!" A gigantic blue Duff can popped up in front of him, and Duffman lovingly patted its top. "If Duff Blue Bomb is destroyed as a result of battle, Duffman gains Life Points equal to the amount of attack points of the monster that destroys it! OH YEAH!"

"But you forget," Kai mentioned, "if your Duff Blue Bomb is blown up, you will be utterly defenseless!"

"Duffman is well aware of this technicality! It's Kai Kaethen's move!"

Kai drew. His eyes widened as Dark Magician stared back at him. He had Buster Blader and Polymerization, so if he were to fuse, he could make the Black Paladin. However, if he attacked with just that, Duffman would gain 2900 Life Points! But then again, if he flipped Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer, he could negate that. Kai flipped his defense monster. "I'll reveal my facedown Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer in attack mode!" A red-robed magician appeared, standing from his crouched position.

"Duffman is amused at your move!" Duffman laughed. "If Kai Kaethen attacks with Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer, Duffman's Duff Blue Bomb will just give him more Life Points! OH YEAH!"

"He's not my only attacker!" Kai grinned, slamming Polymerization home. "I'll use Polymerization to fuse my Buster Blader and Dark Magician together into the Black Paladin(2900/2500)!" Briefly, the purple-clad Dark Magician floated next to the blue-armored Buster Blader, and the two locked their respective staff and sword. Like a Scrubbing Bubble, the monsters flowed together, as if being flushed to Austrailia, only to reappear as a blue armored magician with a sword.

"Nail that bastard!" Yoh encouraged.

"Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer! Attack with Spirit Spell!" The resulting mass of magic crashed into the Duff Blue Bomb, and Duffman's Life Points jumped to 3000.

"Duffman thinks this is gonna hurt!" Duffman shouted, recoiling, knowing full well what was going to happen next.

"Black Paladin!" Kai commanded, his masterful monster flying high. "Strike now! Black Edge!" The Black Paladin's sword glowed an unholy black, and as he swung the blade, a shadowy wave of power exploded from the steel, slamming into Duffman with impressive looking effects.

Kai: 2600/Duffman: 100

"Yay!" Amidamaru cheered. "The pervert's almost dead!"

His skin smouldering, Duffman weakly stood. "Duffman will make you pay for that attack! Duffman draws!" He did so, this time with no grin. It seemed that all of the fun of Duffman had been smoked with the Paladin's attack. "Duffman places one card facedown and summons a monster in defense mode(Hundred Beer Bottle Wall)!"

Kai eyed those cards. Even with victory so close, he'd best not go for the kill just yet. He picked a new card, and said, "I'll switch Black Paladin to defense mode and have Kycoo attack your monster again!"

Duffman grinned, his sunglasses gleaming. "Duffman anticipated that attack! Hundred Beer Bottle Wall(300/2000) will protect Duffman's Life Points!" Kycoo's Spirit Spell clanged uselessly off of a sturdy, tinted wall, made enitrely of beer bottles, the recoil costing Kai some Life Points.

"Now Duffman activates Duff Barrel! As long as Duffman keeps a monster with "Beer" or "Duff" on the field, any monster that attacks Duffman is destroyed, and its controller loses half of its attack power in Life Points!" Laughing further, Duffman leapt on a sudden, humongous cannon, and as he pulled the trigger, it shot a stream of steady beer, crashing into Kycoo, then Kai.

Kai: 1500/Duffman: 100

"If only that beer was real…" Morty sighed.

Drenched in holographic booze, Kai drew. "You may have the advantage now, but this duel's not over yet!" Monster Reborn looked back. Better save that one, Kai thought. "I'll end my turn here."

"Duffman not only has the advantage, he will also have the win!" The beer pusher drew a card. Ah, the Duff Defender. This little number could only be used when Duffman had no monsters on the field, as it took the blow for Duffman. "Duffman will also end his turn! OH YEAH!"

Okay deck, Kai thought, looking at his cards. If I can get the card I need, then you can sleep in the Duel Disk again, doing whatever it is that cards do in their free time. He narrowed his eyes. OH, YEAH! Come on…

And Breaker the Magic Warrior gave Kai a thumbs-up. How it could was a mystery. But Kai did not care. "Yes! Prepare to fall, Duffman!"

Duffman snorted. "Duffman thinks you're crazy! There is nothing Kai Kaethen can do! OH YEAH!"

Kai grinned. "Not quite! I summon Breaker the Magic Warrior(1600/1000) in attack mode!" with a flash of whirlwind light, a red-armored warrior materialized. "Breaker comes with a token that increases his attack by 300 points, but I can use it to destroy your Duff Barrel!" Breaker's sword glowed blue, and the light slithered off to slice Duff Barrel in two, neutralizing it and causing Duffman to fall.

"Now, Black Paladin, attack Hundred Beer Bottle Wall!" The vorpal edge incinerated the wall. Kai smiled. "You're done, Duffman! Attack, Breaker the Magic Warrior! Arcane Sword!"

"Duffman will stop your attack with this Quick-Play Magic card!" Duffman called, sliding his final card into the slot. "Duff Defender will automatically take all damage this turn!"

"Wrong!" Kai rebutted. "By discarding a card from my hand, Spell Shield Type-8 will cancel the effects of your magic card!"

"It does?! OH NO!"

"Breaker, ATTACK!" Breaker swung in a vicious upward arc, slicing Duffman with the full power of holographic might.

Estatic, Morty, Yoh, and Amidamaru shouted, "Duffman has been defeated! OH YEAH!"

"And I'm going to THE FINALS!" Kai triumhantly cried, leaping up with joy.

However, their celebrations were instantly cut short. Duffman, now locked in a sort of dementia, was standing feebly after the last attack. Insanely, he cackled, and swiped the sunglasses off of his face, allowing the company to look upon his eyes. Kai gasped-there were no pupils within Duffman's eyes!

"What's going on here?" Amidamaru demanded.

"I see you have defeated my servant," Duffman spoke, but his voice possessed a clear German tone. "It doesn't matter if you go to the finals, Kai Kaethen! I will still defeat you all and control Europe!"

"Actually, this is Japan," Yoh mentioned.

"Well, Europe's next to Japan, isn't it?" the puppet said. "Anyway, you haven't seen the last of me! And to make sure that you don't forget me…ATTACK, MY SLAVE!"

Roaring stupidly, Duffman lunged at Yoh. The shaman could not move fast enough, and was now on pavement, being molested by Duffman. Enraged, Kai leapt forth and slammed his foot into Duffman's side, knocking the man away. Kai's fist repeatedly struck Duffman's nose as he hovered over the other, until Duffman was knocked unconcious.

"You okay, Yoh?" Morty asked as the shaman lifted himself up.

"Man, that's the third time this week that's happened," Yoh said.

Everyone gave him a look. "What?"

"Who was that person that possessed Duffman?" Amidamaru asked.

Kai's vision fell across Duffman's non-energetic form. "I don't know. But I'll find out. Or my name's not Magma Dragoon."

"You aren't Magma Dragoon," Morty said.

"Exactly."

* * *

Guess what? I actually attempted to write a decent duel this chapter. You'd better be pleased, Time Mage! Writing good duels is harder than I thought!

Now, what's wrong with this chapter?

A. Duffman was in this fic.  
B. Kai couldn't just hop and skip to the finals in one duel.  
C. If Magma Dragoon was mentioned, he should be here by now!

If you guessed C, you're right! Magma Dragoon is my god and our sponsor! Where is he?!

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when, FINALLY, we do slash in Chapter Seventeen! It's horrible, but must be done! 


	18. Slash and Burn

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: I haven't updated for a LONG while, so don't be surprised if this chapter BITES, even though it's slash. I'm going to be placing together my web site and writing consecutive chapters of WEB OF THE MANTIS, so don't panic too much. Okay, I'm done ranting, so just enjoy!

* * *

****

YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!

By The Helldragon

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

Chapter Seventeen: Slash and Burn  
_The wise author, if he ABSOLUTELY MUST use slash in his writing, does so with style and grace. Of course, if he does it period, then he will get female reviewers, no matter what._

Matt occupied himself by delving into his now clean jacket and throwing scoops of complimentary Domino Hospital ice cream into his mouth. "Damn, I love this place. I've got to come here more often."

"But you're all better now," Yugi reminded him.

"Yeah, that's true." Matt observed the party of friends before him. "So it's back to Battle City Two we all go."

"Yeah," Mai said, folding her arms. "Maybe we can actually get some duels in."

Joey socked a fist into his waiting palm. "Yeah…maybe I can find dat little germ Weevil and waste him again!"

"Hell, I'll do that without a Duel Disk," Tristan mused.

Matt smirked haughtily. "Yeah, but I can kill him at the same time." He clenched his fingers together, and his hand burst into an aura of light blue energy. "Ah, elemental power…how could I have lived without you?"

"Well, you've done it for sixteen years already," Ryou suggested.

"Don't you have a bitch you could be chasing after?" Matt asked dryly.

Yugi looked about. "Matt's right. Where is Ruki?"

Suddenly, Ruki, the holder of the Millennium Dark Magician Plushy, sped into the room, a wide grin on her childish face. "Yugi Yugi Yugi Yugi!"

"What?" the older boy asked.

Ruki began leaping up and down with excitement, which should have been an effort, seeing as how she balanced a heavy plush Dark Magician in her hands. "You gotta see! You gotta see! She's up! The nice lady's up!"

"Nice lady?" Mai repeated.

"Couldn't be Mai, then," Matt quipped. He merely grinned as Mai gave him a nasty look.

"What did this lady look like?" Tristan asked Ruki.

The young girl stopped jumping, but kept on smiling. "Oh, she's tall, and she's got brown hair, and she's really nice!"

"Brown hair!" Yugi gasped. "That sounds like Tea!"

"All right!" Joey shouted, pumping a fist. "Tea's back!"

"Let's go see her, then!" Ryou said.

Promptly, the friends filed out of the room. Matt was the last to go, as he was still putting on his jacket (those damn things take forever) and polishing off that really spiffy ice cream. But even as he prepared to leave, a sudden cold chill elapsed through his system. Startled, he looked about him.

"Now what the hell was that?" he asked. A few moments passed, the fates offering no easy answer. He shrugged. "Oh, well. Guess I'll find out later." And he exited the room as well, making sure to take the Millennium Schiess.

It took Matt a while to find Tea's room, partially because he got distracted by the fun elevators the hospital had to offer, and laughed at the comedic accident victims (guy with pipe through his head, woman with a lava lamp in place of an arm, and so on). Finally, he discovered the room, and with a practiced flair, he swung open the door, strode in, and shouted, "LUCY! I'M HOME! BABALOO!"

The man who occupied this room instead of Tea imemdiately suffered a stroke. Grimacing, Matt quickly left as nurses and doctors rushed to help. So, Matt tried the room next to it-he swung the door open, strode in, and proclaimed, "LUCY! I'M HOME! BABALOO!"

The man in this room also collapsed into a stroke, and Matt was running long before the notification was made. Tenatively, he approached a room titled with the number 41. "Okay, if she's not in this room," Matt said to himself, "then I quit." Slowly, he tipped the door open, peeked inside, and whispered, "Hello, Clarece…"

Thankfully, his friends were all here! Matt sighed, and entered fully. "Thank God I found you people. This hospital is hell."

"I thought you liked it," Ryou said.

"I didn't ask you." Solemnly Matt looked to the bed they all were surrounding. Sitting up under the sheets, garbed in hospital wear, was the one and only Tea Gardner, looking none the worse for wear. Matt smiled. "Hey, kid."

Tea smiled back at him. "Hi, Matt! How's it going?"

"Well, I've become an elemental," Matt said, making a bold stance.

The brunette nodded. "I know. Yugi told me everything." She pointed to the ground, where Yugi had passed out from relating his intensely long tale. "He also told me what put me in the hospital in the first place."

"Whoa," said Matt, intervening with his hands. "Don't bitch at me, all right? I had to waste Szarbarus with Ultima Destroyer, and you were in the way. I didn't want to hurt you, but I had to beat the bitch."

"I love his bedside manner," Joey quipped to Tristan, who nodded.

"That's okay," Tea said. "If you hadn't defeated her, then I don't know what would have happened."

"I think we would be most certainly dead," Yugi said, suddenly awakening from his slumber.

"And that is a bad thing," Matt added. "So feel proud that I am your champion, little people!"

Mai rolled her eyes. "Delightful."

"So," Tea said, changing the subject, "are you going back into Battle City?"

"Yeah!" Joey said. "All I need is four more locator cards an' I'm in da finals!"

"I need three to get in," Yugi added, checking his stash of clear cards.

"Two for me, hon," Mai inserted, holding up seven crystalline cards.

Matt's eyes widened. "AH, DAMMIT! I NEED SIX MORE!" He promptly elapsed into a standard freakout session leaping about the room in a deranged manner. "HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT, HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET SIX MORE DAMN LOCATOR CARDS WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN FOUGHT ANY DAMN DUELS?!"

"Did he do this a lot before I was knocked out?" Tea asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah," asserted Ryou.

Yugi stepped over to relieve Matt. "Calm down, Matt. I'm sure that you'll be able to get to the finals. You just have to get in some quick duels."

Matt sighed. "But where am I going to find a duel now?"

A high-pitched giggling invaded the scene, focused near the room's solitary window. Startled, the friends turned as if one creature to the noise. Perched upon the windowsill was a rotund sort of creature. Upon further inspection, Matt noticed that the thing was essentially a gray ball, with red hands and feet, but with no limbs to connect them to the main body, and a red heart plastered on its stomach. The creature also had rounded eyes similar to Yugi's, but these had blue pupils instead of purple ones. And already, the whole thing was irritating.

"Heeheeheeheehee! My master desires a duel?" it asked. "I desire a duel, too! Heeheeheeheeheehee!"

Matt's eyes widened with shock. "Holy shit! It's Hart!"

"Hart?" Yugi exclaimed. "That monster who attacked us before Battle City Two, when it was under Matt's control?"

"I thought you bashed that thing to bits!" Tristan said to Matt.

The elemental's brow narrowed. "I did. But it seems that, somehow, Hart was able to regenerate himself." Matt released a mild smirk. "And it looks like the servant wishes to destroy the master."

Hart's innocent expression considerably darkened. "Correct! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee! I haven't forgotten our last encounter…"

***

__

"NOW," Matt screeched, spreading his arms, "MY MOMENT OF TRIUMPH IS NIGH! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He continued to laugh maniacally even as the Passionate Persuasion hit him. But when nothing changed, when he felt or believed nothing new, he stopped. "Huh? What happened?"

"It didn't work?" Serenity asked, relieved.

"It didn't?" Matt repeated. "Do you not feel anything toward me? Anything at all?"

Serenity shook her head. "No."

"DAMMIT!" Matt screamed. "HART! WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG?!"

Hart seemed truly shattered for a change. "I don't know...unless...heeheeheehee..."

"UNLESS WHAT?! CLARIFY THAT UNLESS!"

Hart settled on the ground. "My people pass down a legend. It speaks of a certain individual, reincarnated throughout eternity. It speaks of his amazing ability. A Passionate Persuasion cannot affect him, nor can any other man or woman fall for this particular person. They call him 'the Chosen One'. And, you are probably him...I'm sorry, my dark lord...heeheeheehee..."

Matt stood perfectly still for a moment, even with the dancing couples and the cloud-gazing gay guys. Then, he broke. "DAMN YOU, HORRIBLE FATES!" he shouted, bellowing to the heavens. "DAMN YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FUCKING EVIL DEEDS! WHY MUST I BE ETERNALLY DAMNED TO NEVER GET LAID?! WHY?!"

"My dark lord-" Hart began, but was interrupted as Matt roared in rage, running over to Hart.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING LITTLE BAG OF BALLS!"

And so, with a tire iron, Matt smashed Hart to unmistakable death, slamming his weapon repeatedly into the flesh of the creature…

***

"Wow!" Tea said, amazed. "Hart does Matt's voice really well!"

"It's all annoyin' and whiny like it's supposed ta be!" Joey added.

Hart sighed, drawing the attention of the room back to him. "Yes…that cowardly, merciless beating I suffered was so not fun. And why? Because I did what you said, master. I wreaked chaos, and you rewarded me with death." Suddenly, he broke once more into that inane laughter. "Heeheeheeheeheehee! But now, I can have my revenge!"

"No, you won't!" Yugi declared, facing the malevolent monster. "We won't let you harm anyone else!"

"Well, technically, he didn't harm people," Ryou said. "He just made them fall in love."

"Watching you try to make out with yourself is harmful," Tristan dryly commented.

Mai folded her arms. "Thank God I wasn't here for that."

"Can we PLEASE get back to the matter at hand?!" Hart screeched, rending all others with its high pitch. It took considerable effort to calm down. "Anyway, as I was saying, I challenge you to a duel, Matt!" Boldly it thrust an accusing finger at Matt. "Then I will have my revenge! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!"

A cocky smile crossed Matt's visage. "So you think you're good enough to beat me, kid? But, you see, your Passionate Persuasion attack can't affect me." With a flourish, light blue energy flowing through his arm, the elemental snapped his hand forward, and a thin blue blade leapt from his fist, crackling with power. The impressive light played over all present.

Matt's eyes dargerously narrowed. "But my attack can hurt you."

Hart, however, did not seem impressed. "So, you are going to duel me?"

The elemental's energy sword twitched. "Damn straight."

"Must we do this here?" Tea asked worriedly, sitting up higher.

Hart's face rose in a mouthless smile. "Oh, don't worry…we'll be going outside. But you…" Suddenly, from the pocket of nowhere, it produced a heavy leather-bound tome, loaded with golden lettering on the cover. "Heeheeheeheeheehee! You all will be preoccupied!"

"Watch out!" Joey exclaimed. "It's gonna kill us with literature!"

"He's probably going to read 'Johnny Tremain' to us!" Tristan gasped.

Hart trembled with the weight of the book. "Heeheeheeheeheehee…no, that would be too cruel. Instead, I'm going to read you a bit from one of my favorite stories." It showed the letters to the company. "And with it comes your destruction! Heeheeheeheeheehee! Guess what it's called?"

"Don't tell us! It sounds horrible!" Mai said.

"It is!" Hart cackled. "Behold the title of your destruction! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!"

"No!" went Ryou.

"It's 'The King and King!' Heeheeheeheeheehee!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the entire group screamed.

A pause. Then Yugi said, "Wait a minute. That doesn't sound so bad."

Matt frowned, still pointing his energy sword at Hart. "I've never even heard of the damn thing."

The monster ball thumbed open the book, turning to a key page. "Heeheeheeheeheehee! You will! Allow me to read this passage to you!"

Matt drew his sword. "Oh, no, you don't!" The blade trailed a stream of power as Matt rushed forward, preparing to drive the weapon into Hart's squishy flesh. But before he could dive on his foe, the assualting power of baneful words flowed into his skull, as Hart's awful dictation rended his senses.

Time froze for the companions. They saw nothing. They experienced nothing. All they heard was Hart's reading, done really badly in that squeaky voice everybody hated. Everybody failed to move.

And suddenly, Matt blinked, finding himself still in the hospital room, sword still raised, still in a position where he could strike at Hart. "Okay," he said, lowering his risen leg. "What the hell just happened?"

Hart laughingly closed The King and King. "Heeheeheeheeheehee! Just turn around and find out!"

Matt was immediately aware of several distasteful sounds behind him. Turn around? Dare he do so? What dark spell had gripped his friends that left him as defenseless? Slowly, preparing to launch an energy sword in case his friends had been converted to mindless brain zombies from Pluto, Matt turned around.

After the events of his short reign of dark masterfulness using Hart, Matt had experienced several nightmares on the subject. Endless passion between his companions, passion that disgusted him, especially the love-makin' that he wasn't in on! So naturally, Matt honed his wits for such an encounter, knowing full well of what Hart was capable of.

But nothing could have prepared him for the horrific scene playing before his eyes!

"I don't know how I lived without you," Yugi sighed seductively as he ruffled Joey's blond hair, the two wrapped in each other's arms on the floor.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Matt screamed.

"Hey, quiet down, man!" Tristan said angrily, as Ryou occupied himself inside Tristan's shirt. "We're busy here!"

The elemental freaked out, holding his eyes. "MY EYES! THEY BURN! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He paused for a minute as he shockingly observed what Mai was doing to Tea. Then: "EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!" Hart cackled. "Such delightful chaos to reign over you all!"

Snarling in rage, Matt swiveled away from the nauseating destruction to face his arch-nemesis. "HART! What in the flying hell did you do to them?!"

"I merely read them a passage from 'The King and King'," Hart calmly explained. "It has been banned in this country because it tells the story of a prince who finds his true love in another prince." His face twisted in that trademark sneer. "So you know why I had to have it! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!"

"And you bewitched the book in order to force my friends to rock the casbah with each other!" Matt declared. "You little BASTARD! You've just accounted for several years of therapy!"

Hart just clapped in joy. "Heeheeheeheeheehee! Yes!"

"But you've made one mistake," Matt said, finally gaining his smirk back. "Your love-inducing magic didn't work on me. And don't think I'm going to let you walk away!" He threw his arms back, and his body flared in a visually impressive display of power. "I'm gonna pound the living piss out of you!"

"Of course you're unaffected by my magic!" Hart retorted. "I need you focused in order to fight me! And I will be the one to pound the piss out of you! Heeheeheeheeheehee!"

"Let's go then, motherfucker!" Matt yelled, beginning energy gathering to his fingers.

Hart twitched in disagreement. "Heeheeheeheeheehee…but's a tad small in here. Perhaps we should take this outside?"

Not listening, Matt shouted back, "BITCH! YOU WANNA TAKE THIS SHIT OUTSIDE?!"

Hart sighed. "That's what I said."

"Oh…"

***

Outside Domino Hospital, the sun shone over the combatants, a watchful referee of the ensuing battle. A crowd had gathered rather quickly (when Matt shouted profanities at lightning speed to someone else, people tended to come and see what was going on). In one corner of the circular square, Matt dusted off his sleek clothing, and practiced making a few swords to waste time. Hart just jumped lightly up and down, his fists forward like boxing gloves, jabbing empty air.

"ALL RIGHT!" a very loud man in a black and white striped shirt called, moving to the center of the ring. "THIS WILL BE A THREE-ON-THREE POKEMON BATTLE!"

"This ain't a Pokemon battle, DUMBASS!" some guy from the audience said.

He was shot by the loud man's rifle. "AS I WAS SAYING, BOTH COMBATANTS WILL FIGHT UNTIL HIS OR HER LIFE POINTS HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO ZERO!"

"This isn't a duel either, SHITMONKEY!" another guy shouted.

He was also shot by the loud man's rifle. "WHOMEVER LOSES THE BATTLE WILL BE SUBJECT TO HIS OPPONENT'S FATALITY!"

"You stupid FUCKHOLE! That's from Mortal Kombat!" yet another guy called.

Now really pissed, the loud man extracted a gatling gun from his trouser pocket and moved down the complainer's section of the crowd, flurries of bullets spilling blood into the blue skies. "ANYBODY ELSE GOT A PROBLEM?!" he screamed, pointing multiple gun barrels at the living.

"NO, SIR!" the crowd and the fighters shouted in fear.

"Good." The loud man turned to Matt and Hart, who had ducked to avoid his rampage. "ARE YOU READY TO BATTLE?!"

"Damn straight!" Matt declared. He entered a martial arts pose, with hands ready to attack.

"Heeheeheeheeheehee!" Hart just laughed, also preparing for combat.

Instantly the world shifted into one of those cool 2D Capcom fighting games, like Marvel VS. Capcom or Marvel VS. Street Fighter, except with better graphics and less secret characters.

Hart bounced on screen, at first just a black ball, then reforming into his true shape. He uttered a cool, dubbed quote: "Heeheeheeheeheehee! May the powers of love destroy you!"

Matt flew on screen, inviting Hart to an ass-whupping with his palm, then charging up briefly. "You know, I have to kick your ass just because you're here."

Big numbers flashed just below the life bars. 3…2…1…

FIGHT!

Matt quickly tapped Down, Southeast, and Right. His Vorpal Slash animation began as the elemental swung an energy blade, firing a powerful wave. Hart jammed backwards to execute a blocking animation, then slammed Southeast and Down, blasting a stream of fiery Heart Burn at Matt.

"AUGH!" Matt cried in pain, the Heart Burn singeing his hide. "You'll pay for that!"

Matt's three-level bar drained somewhat as he pressed Left, Southwest, Down, Southeast, and Right, motioning for his trademark attack. He threw his hands to his right, streams of energy flowing. Above him, a picture-in-picture thing happened, with Matt in some cool pose, before his digital character thrusted forth like shooting a fireball. But this attack was a beam of energy known as the Megaton Cannon, and it crashed head-on into Hart.

"That's it!" he shouted, jumping back up. "It's time to unleash my most powerful move ever! GO SUPER ART!" The background exploded in a flash of hippie color, and Hart motioned Left, Southwest, and South TWICE for his ultimate power.

"Behold the instrument of your destruction!" Hart intoned.

"What are you going to do?" Matt asked. "Hit me with a Valentine's day greeting card?"

"Even worse!" The ball monster rose into the air, as he was surrounded by cool crimson. "I'm going to BORE YOU TO DEATH WITH STUPID 'LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT' STORIES!"

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Matt screamed. "ALPHA COUNTER! ALPHA COUNTER!"

Hart cackled. "TOO LATE! ONCE UPON A TIME-"

But little did Hart know that Matt's Alpha Counter had indeed kicked in!

Silence.

The screen went black as Matt, flanked by power, crossed his arms and tucked in his legs, elemental strength flowing to him from all walks of the plane.

He threw his body outwards. "FINAL EXPLOSION!"

Blistering shockwaves assualted Hart at first, only to be followed by a gigantic explosion centered in on Matt's heart. It sliced mercilessly through the ball monster, rending its flesh, tearing into bone, if it had any, spilling its gore about until nothing remained.

"HAH!" said one of the guys who got shot earlier, as soon as the effects faded. "I knew this was like Mortal Kombat!"

Matt looked at the loud referee, who had ducked away during the fight. "May I?"

The other nodded.

So Matt shot that guy again with his rifle.

***

"Now," Matt said to himself as he walked up the hospital's flight of stairs, "if I know my evil spells, and I don't, they always end whenever the evil villian has been vanquished in a visually impressive battle of wit and skill."

But a thought gripped the elemental as he neared the dreaded room 41. What if the spell had not ended? What if his friends were eternally doomed to couple in very, very weird sex? What would he do?! Then he figured it out. He would end this madness if the spell had not ended…BY DRIVING HIS SWORD INTO THEIR SKULLS!

"AND THEN TROGDOR COMES IN THE NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHT!" Matt screeched as he burst inside, energy blade flashing. Quickly he swung the deadly length about. "OH, VILE TEMPRAMENTS OF DARKNESS, FEEL THE POWERS OF SALVATION FREE YOUR MINDS FROM THE CORRUPTION OF SAME-SEX SEX! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What da hell are ya talkin' about?" Joey asked.

Matt paused, his blade lingering in the air. Everyone was either standing, or sitting in Tea's case, in natural positions, and not at all in those weird modes that Matt had seen. His brow furrowed. "Wait a minute…"

"What?" Yugi asked. He seemed completely unaware as to what had transpired.

The elemental frowned. "Weren't you all…you know…rocking the casbah?"

Tristan arched an eyebrow. "What?"

"You know! Shaking your groove thang? Getting your freak on? Doing the vertical tango? Reaching third base? Doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel? Getting it on? Need I continue?"

Mai shrugged. "Probably."

Matt slapped his forehead. These people were just not getting it!

But was that so bad? NO! Matt forced a smile, walking over to Tea's bedside. "Well, never mind. The good news is that I have dispatched Hart!"

Ryou nodded. "We know."

"It looks like you're the guy to go to now if there's evil in the world," Tea said.

Matt blushed with pride. "Yes, yes. It seems that way."

"Think you're up to it?" Yugi asked.

Hmmm. Good question. Could Matt use his powers, snazzy as they were, to defend the planet from the most darkest of evils? Well, he could try really hard, at least. And that was good enough for him. "Yes!" he declared. "I will fight evil wherever it may show up! For I am Matt, and I am…" He paused, trying to think of a good quote. "Well, I'm Matt, I guess…"

"Hey," Joey began, "why did ya run in here screamin' with your sword?"

"Oh, that?" Matt snorted with humor. "I thought for a minute that you were still possessed by the evil spell Hart put on you all!" He laughed heartily. "And I was fixing to kill you, too! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, would my face have been red! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Hey, what's this?" Ryou asked, picking up a thick book from off the floor. "Hmmm…'The King and King'…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Matt shouted as Ryou opened the pages…

***

Five Minutes Later…

"Who knew that you could reach third base while standing on your head?" Yugi said, stroking Joey's soft hair.

"Yeah." Joey sharply rung a small bell at his side, next to Yugi's leg. "MAN BITCH! Get me somethin' ta drink!"

Matt frowned, balancing a silver platter with two wine glasses. "Yes, Sahib…"

* * *

This chapter is sponsored by Sexx-U-Upp Publishing Company, proud distributors of the Karma-Sutra.

Now, what's wrong with this chapter?

A. Male/male sex is NOT COOL!  
B. There needed to be a plausible explanation for Hart's revival.  
C. Hell, I agree with option A!

If you guessed C, you're right! But then again, if you picked A, you're still good to go.

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we question the plausibilty of Chapter Eighteen: It Came From The Writer's Desk! 


	19. It Came From The Writer's Desk!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: It's been a while, eh, heroes? I was going to update WEB OF THE MANTIS next, but then I got Chrono Trigger again, and I spent time going through its massive structure, and then afterwards, I read a bit from Writer's Digest, and as you may know, if I read tips about writing well, I find I cannot do so the next few days. So, I instead decided to update an old friend. Hope you're satisfied as well as I am!

For some reason...I don't see Yami Marik and Tea kung-fu fighting on top of Kaiba's Duel Tower. It's...um...stupid...

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

Chapter Eighteen: It Came From the Writer's Desk!  
_The wise author resists the great urge to throw normal people of his plane into ones where they should not tread. Remember, even in alterante universes, such characters can receive eviction notices._

"Ah," Kai Kaethen sighed, holding all nine locator cards in one hand. "At last, I have all nine locator cards I need to enter the Battle City Two finals." He leaned closer to the cards. "They're all so…precious. My precious…no one shall ever have our precious…"

"I think you've looked at those long enough," Yoh said, taking the cards and shoving them into Kai's jacket.

The group of Kai, Yoh, Amidamaru, and Morty were now travelling through Domino City. Now unhindered by the pressures of dueling, Kai felt the overwhelming desire to indulge in some sort of sugared product. Unfortunately, he had no money on him to spend on abovementioned sugared product.

An idea came to Kai. "Amidamaru?"

"Yes?" the ghostly samurai answered.

"Can you go get us some candy? I mean, you can just pass through a candy shop and steal it, right?"

Amidamaru considered this. "You know, that would be a good idea." But then, he screamed, "IF MY FINGERS DIDN'T PASS THROUGH EVERYTHING I TOUCHED!"

"Hey, that reminds me," Morty said. "If another guy walks through Amidamaru, could you technically say that they did IT?"

"I respect you greatly, Morty," Amidamaru just replied, "so I'm not going to say how incredibly stupid that question is."

"OOH! OOH! I've got one!" Yoh shouted. "How many ghosts does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

Amidamaru shook his head. "Oh, here we go…"

"None! Because ghosts can't touch light bulbs because their hands pass through! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

For a brief moment, Amidamaru Spirit Formed into Yoh to slap the boy rapidly upside the head, leaving as soon as the punishment was over. "This is why we don't leave Yoh to his own devices."

Kai groaned loudly. "OH, I WANT SOME CANDY! Is there nothing that can provide me with some?"

In response to a completely different rhetorical question, a emerald orb of power suddenly materialized in front of the group. Upon Yoh's reflexive "OOH! Pretty lights!", the ball thingie swelled with desicive energy.

"What is that thing?" Morty asked.

"Probably one of those portals that summons an incredibly huge and powerful demon," Kai said.

A pause. Then:

"HOLY CRAP!" Yoh shouted. "WE'RE GONNA GET KILLED BY A DEMON!"

"No, YOU'RE gonna get killed by a demon," Amidamaru said. "I'm already dead."

"Can't you just kill it?" Morty said.

Yoh's features dawned in realization. "Hey, yeah! I've got powers and stuff! Amidamaru and I can team up and kill it!"

"But what if it can't die?" Kai asked.

"Then may God help us all." Yoh threw an open palm to Amidamaru. "Amidamaru! Into the sword!"

As Yoh drew his katana, which he had won from a hobo in a game of checkers, Amidamaru melted once more into that blue flame. The shaman took hold of his burning guardian ghost and slammed the force into his sword's hilt, infusing the weapon with ancient power. At once, it became surrounded in a pale blue aura, and red armor plating flowed over Yoh's arm from the sword's handle.

"I'm gonna send you back to Hell, demon!" the armed shaman now declared, pointing the blade's keen tip at the building sphere.

Morty had switched on his Gameboy, and was now currently slamming the buttons in a frenzy. "Dammit! Shadowman's kicking my ass!"

"HOLY CRAP!" Yoh shouted, now realizing the truth. "THE DEMON'S REALLY SHADOWMAN!"

But before Kai could run over and slap Yoh upside the head, the orb exploded in really nifty green flashes. Screaming, the four were knocked down, and they were not to stop until the madness was over.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! (What's going on?!)" Morty yelled.

"AAAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! (The ball thingie blew up!)" Amidamaru hollered.

"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH! (Now we're all gonna die at the hands of Shadowman!)" Yoh bellowed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (I can't keep this up for much longer!)" Kai blared.

However, much to the relief of the screamers, the emerald haze now lifted. And as the fog cleared, one could notice a dimly detailed outline centered where the orb once was. And naturally, as the fog decreased, the detail increased on this particular outline. Little did the four friends realize that this was their cue to run, though. For, even though Shadowman did not await them on the opposing end of the mist, something far greater was about to rear its ugly head…

"OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"

Kai couldn't believe it either. Personally, he wanted to see Shadowman. Shadowman was actually pretty cool. But this newcomer? Not really. After all, he'd seen teenage girls wearing T-shirts that had various male anime characters with the word "Bishies!" above them and blue jeans and sneakers with repeats of that same word before. And this girl was no exception.

"Awwww!" Yoh whined, standing up. "I wanted Shadowman!"

The girl did not hear this. Instead, she ran over to Yoh, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Are you really Yoh?"

Yoh grinned stupidly. "Yes. Unless I have an evil clone, or worse, an evil brother. But I don't think I do, so yes."

Everyone's eardrums threatened to shatter as the girl released a very loud squeal, hitting an octave that dogs could probably hear. "OH MY GOD, IT REALLY IS YOU! THIS ISN'T SOME SORT OF FANTASTICAL DREAM!"

"I wish it was," Amidamaru remarked, unplugging his ears.

"Excuse me," Kai said, stepping forward to meet the girl, "but who the flying flick are you?"

The girl responded by poking deeply into his chest. "How dare you speak to me that way! The nerve!" She scoffed. "I don't even know what TV show YOU'RE from!"

"What are you talking about?" Morty asked. "What TV show?"

The girl slapped her head. "Of course! How silly of me! You see, I come from…" She twiddled her fingers. "A DIFFERENT DIMENSION!"

"Let me guess," Kai said. "We're entering the Twilight Zone?"

"NO!" The girl sighed. "Let me explain."

"Wait a minute," Yoh interrupted. "Can you tell us your name so the author doesn't have to keep refering to you as 'the girl'?"

The girl (gah!) nodded. "Very well. My name is Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third!"

"My God, that's a long name!" Amidamaru gasped. "What is it composed of?"

"BISHIES!" Amanda squealed. "Anyway, I was in my room, watching Megaman NT Warrior (TM)-my God, I can't believe those stupid American dubs sometimes-and I was writing various fanfiction involving me and the Bishies."

"Fan…fiction?" Amidamaru asked, raising an eyebrow.

"A pile of crap in word form," Kai supplied.

"Ah."

"When SUDDENLY, a giant portal opened in front of me!" Amanda flailed her hands dramatically to illustrate the effect. "And I got teleported here, which I, of course, know to be Domino City!"

"Incredible!" Yoh gasped. "How did you know when I didn't?"

"We didn't ask!" Morty snapped back.

"And, ALAS, I am stuck here with no way to get home!" Amanda sighed, placing the back of her palm to her forehead dramatically. "Can any of you nice, avaliable men help me?" She glared at Kai. "Except you."

"Why not?"

"You don't even have your own show. >:P!"

Kai assumed a confused look. He had never heard of the peculiar expression Amanda had just used. "What did you say?"

This was answered with a "--". What it exactly meant was the true question. Kai looked to his friends. "Do any of you know what that means?"

"What does what mean?" Amidamaru asked.

"The dash, underscore, dash, and asterisk."

Yoh shrugged. "It's sexual?"

"WHAT?????!!!!!!!!11111" Amanda snapped, leaping at Yoh. The girl forced the boy to the ground in some sort of violent combative motion that Kai couldn't properly identify. "How dare you indicate sex things about me and that no-show-no-go freak!!!!!!"

"HEY!" Kai now said, pointing a useless finger at Amanda, who now was attempting to drive her hips into Yoh more than maul him. "I don't need a show to be cool! Matt Willard doesn't have a show!"

"But he's not cool," Morty reminded Kai.

"Oh, yeah…"

"People, people!" Amidamaru said, spiriting himself between Yoh and Amanda. His chilling touch was enough to separate the two combatants. "Fighting will get us nowhere! Granted, it's fun to watch, especially with beer and pretzels-Rold Gold (TM) brand pretzels, now in Extra Salt flavor!-but for now, perhaps we should take Amanda with us until we can figure something out."

Amanda smiled. "Okay! !"

"Okay, what was that one?" Kai said.

"It's a happy face!"

"Looks like a caret, underscore, caret. Now, unless you're growing a garden, in which case you might was to put some potatoes in there, that's not going to work." Kai irritably massaged the fold of skin covering his nose's bridge. "If you're going to travel with us, we need to establish the same lines of communication."

Amanda blinked her eyes in a rapid, random series of mathmatecial formulas.

Kai sighed. "I just won't talk to you, then."

"Okay! !" Amanda pointed to the heart of Battle City 2. "Lead the way, bishes and poser-bishie!"

"Fine-wait, what did you call me?"

**(After a timely commerical break...)**

"You know what I just realized?" Yoh said to Amidamaru.

"What?"

"I must be a star now."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, look around."

Amidamaru did. He found nothing remotely odd. Granted, they were walking in the middle of the street in Domino City, where rushing cars made their domain. But that wasn't it. Granted, these cars weren't driving now because their drivers, as well as every person in the vicinity, had trailed over to their small and otherwise inconspicious group. But that wasn't it. Granted, every person about them was now actively worshipping their new saint, the dashing and noble and beautiful and skilled and absolutely postivily (except that last word) perfect god, Miss (but soon to be Mrs.) Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third…

…wait a minute. (pants in exhaustion) Damn, that's a long name…(pants some more)

Okay, okay, I'm back. Anyway, other than that, Amidamaru had no clue. "Okay. We have people following us. So what?"

"Well, when I was young, and I did something that made my grandfather, you know, …"

Amidamaru rolled his hands. "Go on…"

"Anyway, he said that someday I would be a star. Of course, it took me a while to figure out that he did not mean I would be kicked so high into space that I would burst into flames, which at that point I would technically be a reverse meteor and not a star, but he meant that lots of people would like me."

"Okay…"

"That time must have finally come. I don't know why, but being a star smells like catfish. Maybe it was that hobo I got my katana from. I don't know."

Kai frowned, joining the conversation. "Personally, I think it's that girl."

"Who?" Morty asked. "There's so many!"

"You know," Kai said. "Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third-"

He then collapsed from lack of air. Amanda noticed, and turned about quickly with a panicked squeal. "OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111 Are you all right?"

Kai slowly opened his eyes as languid gasps replenished his air supply. "Yeah…just…give me…a moment…"

"You don't have a moment!" Amanda sobbed. She fell to Kai's level, her tear-glistening eyes lookingly(woops, there's another unperfect word! ;) longingly into his. "You're gonna die, and it's all my fault! JUST BECAUSE MY NAME IS SO AMAZINGLY LONG, YOU'LL DIE! OMG, IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" She cried massive rivers of tears, and at once her followers mimicked her.

And, amazingly, this emotional display managed to recharge Kai.

"THAT'S IT!"

Not in the good Energizer Bunny way, though.

Kai's boot lashed out, and Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third was knocked awry, caught by the impact in her midriff. The boy stood angrily. "I'm sick of all of your…your…" He thought for a moment. "Help me out, guys!"

"Idiocy?" Amidamaru suggested.

"Stupidity?" Morty advised.

"Stupidioticness?" Yoh recommended.

"Yeah! That one!" Kai pointed past the confused and shocked followers to their god. "Your stupidioticness has screwed up everything! So just go away!"

"I thought you were the calm one," Morty said.

"I was due for a temper tantrum," was Kai's wise reply.

Surprisingly, Amanda stood calmly. "I just wanted to make peace with you, Kai." Her eyes flashed blood red. "Now I'll just have to make you into pieces!"

The features of her followers twisted. Sex, race, age, and all others were mixed together until every individual save for the heroic four were silver masses of liquid metal. Reducing themselves to slush, they flowed toward Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third, who had also become silvery as well. The very skin of her arm retreated, revealing an intricate metal skeleton underneath, which quickly shifted in shape until resembling some sort of phaser.

"Holy shit!" Yoh shouted. "She's a Terminator-bitch!"

"We prefer Termimatrix," the robotic Amanda replied, with a slight crackle to her voice. She thrust her weapon at Kai. "Now, Kai Kaethen, once you die, there will be no rusty spike that is thrown by your grandson at SkyNet, because you will be dead, and thus you will have no son, and thus, will have no grandson."

"Wouldn't it be easier just to go back in time and kill the grandson?" Morty asked.

Amanda's processor beeped for a moment as it considered the idea. "Well, yes. But then I wouldn't get to kill you."

"I just won't let my friend die!" Yoh shouted, drawing his katana. "The only way he dies is by old age, chocolate, or Shadowman! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The shaman leapt at Amanda, his katana bearing down on the robot's skull.

(Fight scene removed for security reasons)

"Yoh!" Morty shouted at his beaten friend, who wallowed in pain before Amanda.

"You thought that a military tactical strike would stop me?" the Termimatrix asked her opponent. "Little did you realize that the Japanese military is weak and ineffective, like George Bush!"

"OOOH!" Amidamaru shouted. "BURN!"

"Now," Amanda spat, pointing her Lean Mean Ass-Kicking Gatling Gun Machine at Kai, who backed away slowly, realizing his impending doom. "Now you die! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111"

"Great," Kai sighed. "I got raped before I got killed."

And the "got killed" part would have come true, had not a black specter fallen across the landscape. Suddenly noticing their world drenched in shadow from behind, all present at the scene looked up and over at the sight before them. The sun had been muffled by a gigantic, terrifying figure, looming over the skyscrapers of Domino City as if they were mere Lincoln Logs. Its entire massive outline was populated by jagged pints and edges, and as detail made itself cleared, they noticed it was, in fact, rocky scaled skin, attached to one of the biggest motherfucking dragons any of them had ever seen.

At once, the four screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! (What's going on?!)" Morty yelled.

"AAAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! (It's a really big Godzilla on steroids!)" Amidamaru hollered.

"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH! (Now we're all gonna die, but it won't be by the hands of Shadowman!)" Yoh bellowed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (I didn't even get my own show!)" Kai blared.

"Oh, shut up," the dragon suddenly said in a deep masculine timbre. He sighed, releasing an irritated squall from its nostrils. "Really, all of this screaming is bad for my ears. Look at them." He pointed to his skull. "They're just tiny little holes on the side of my head! Look at them!"

"Just who are you, anyway?" Amanda demanded, placing her gun at her hip, which was kinda hard considering its massive size.

The dragon tilted his reptilian chin toward Amanda. "To properly pronounce my full title, I would have to pull out your tongue, but since you technically you have a voice box instead, you just don't need to know."

"Look, I'm very busy getting killed here," Kai said, "so if you don't mind, can you gore me now and stop wasting time?"

"You are mistaken, Kai Kaethen!" the dragon declared, rising to his full majestic height. "I have come to protect you from this time-travelling assassin bitch! You see, Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third has a gigantic rap sheet for killing things, especially people and mailboxes, so I was sent to eliminate her for good!"

"You're just one of the many warriors sent to destroy me!" Amanda rebutted. "In case you're wondering, I killed all of the other ones, and there were a lot!"

"But I will succeed where they have failed!" came the dragon's oh-so-stinging reply.

"Then let's go!" Energy cells within the Lean Mean Ass-Kicking Gatling Gun Machine charged as Amanda pointed the weapon at the dragon. "I have travelled through time destroying countless enemies! That freaky cathedral in the Middle Ages, that blue monster thing that was only vulnerable to magic, Golems, that giant black tyrannosaur that's about your size, those weird robots in the future, which I was formerly a part of, but not anymore-all of those and more I have destroyed, and you will be no different, you ugly piece of-"

"Dragon Smasher!"

The dragon promptly stepped on Amanda with tetonic force.

"Why didn't you do that to begin with?" Amidamaru asked.

"Because it's funny to kill them while they're talking."

"I owe you my life, really big, really red dragon!" Kai said to his savior. "But who are you, anyway?"

"I know what lurks in the hearts of men," the dragon replied, suddenly growing grim.

"So you're the Shadow?" Kai asked.

"What? No, wait, wrong phrase. Okay-I'm faster than a speeding bullet!"

"You're not Superman," Amidamaru said.

"Dammit! Um…in the name of the moon, I will punish you?"

"I REALLY hope you're not Sailor Moon," Morty said.

"Ah, fuck this! All know my true name! Except you. But I will tell you now!"

The city exploded in a blaze of doom. Fire crackled about the dragon with his supreme message. "I am The Helldragon!"

"Ooh…pretty lights!" Yoh smiled.

The dragon sighed. "Not the reaction I expected…"

* * *

Yep. You knew this was coming. The dreaded AUTHOR INSERTION! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!

Now, what's wrong with this chapter?

A. A normal girl was mysteriously teleported to the world of the fanfiction.  
B. This normal girl was utterly perfect for some reason.  
C. There was no Shadowman!

If you guessed C, you're right! We want Shadowman, DAMMIT!

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we shovel the stable that is Chapter Nineteen: Insert Author A Into Pile Of Crap B. 


	20. Insert Author A Into Pile Of Crap B

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: Another timely update, to be sure. But panic not! The next update will be tremendously quicker!

I like cheese! SO READ, DAMN YOU!

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

Chapter Nineteen: Insert Author A Into Pile Of Crap B  
_The wise author must realize that, if he was stupid enough to incorporate eighteen other stupid things into his stupid fanfiction AND have the stupidity to place himself in it, then his stupid piece of work can only be described with one word-dumb._

"OH HOLY FUCKIN' GOD!" Joey exclaimed, pointing to the heart of Domino City. Rising amid its modern skyscrapers, a large, red, mythical dragon loomed, the terrain about it swathed in a smog of fire. "WHAT DA HELL IS DAT?!"

"I don't know," Tristan replied, "but it looks like it's blowing the city up!"

"Let's get closer and find out for sure!" Yugi said.

Their mission in mind, Yugi, Yami, Joey, Tristan, Mai, Bakura, and Matt (who had taken a long time to snap his friends out of Hart's evil spell) ran mightily from Domino Hospital. True, the end of their long path led straight to imminent danger, but they cared not. After all, they had saved the world so many times before! Was this really going to stop them now?

After an eon of running (well, it wasn't really an eon, but as some people know, Joey uses the bathroom like a camel) the gang approached the scene. Legions of fire rose about them, threatening to ash what the dragon directly in front of them did not finish, but they did not notice. Instead, they saw the small group of Kai, Morty, Yoh, and Amidamaru at a distance. "Hey, Kai!" Joey shouted, waving his arms. "Over here!"

"This isn't really a good time, Joey!" Kai shouted back in sing-song.

"Why?" canme Joey's sing-song response.

"The dragon, you moron!"

"What about da dragon?"

"It's killing things!"

"But not us!"

"It might!"

"Hey, I'm right here, you know," the dragon snapped. "But don't worry. I won't hurt you."

"Then why are you burning the city?" Mai asked.

"What?" The dragon looked at the destruction about Domino City, and grinned sheepishly. "Oops. Sorry. I tend to make big entrances. Here, let me fix that." With a snap of his pearly talons, the entire city was cleaned of flames and chaos, appearing just as normal as it was that morning.

"Wowzers!" Yoh said. "How did you do that?"

"I have my ways," the dragon smiled. His large pupils turned downwards, toward the denim-clad Matt. "Hey, Matt."

"Hey," Matt replied.

"You know this creature?" Bakura asked.

"Oh, yeah!" Matt proudly gestured at the massive wyrm. "Boys and girls, meet my god and our sponsor, The Helldragon!"

"We knew his name already," Amidamaru sighed.

"God and sponsor?" Yami asked. "What do you mean?"

"I'll field that one," The Helldragon interrupted, raising his gigantic claw. "You see, I am a dragon that is able to imitate a wide-variety of godlike powers. You know, travelling through time and space, tapping into sources of unlimited power, incredible strength, speed, endurance, magic, agility, stamina, magic resistance-"

"We are well aware of your Final Fantasy attributes," Matt said.

"-as well as access to an unlimited supply of all-powerful spells and abilities, limitless special attacks, and most importantly, the ability to manipulate the actions, thoughts, and feelings of the inhabitants of a world, as well as control the world myself for my own purposes, such as throwing it into the sun-by the way, I can breathe in space-or sending its people to battle with another race, and all sorts of other amazing powers that I couldn't possibly begin to explain to you all."

"Wow!" Morty said. "Whenever Yugi talks that long, he passes out, but you're still concious!"

"But what does it all mean?" Tristan said.

"In short…" The Helldragon looked at the reader with a twinkling in his eye. "I'm a fanfiction author."

"So you make piles of crap!" Amidamaru joyfully explained.

"Who in the hell told you that?" The Helldragon asked, in a dangerous tone.

Realizing his folly, the spirit pointed at Kai. "He did it!"

For a few moments, The Helldragon stared at Kai, traces of a murderous glint in his gaze. Then, he shrugged, relaxing. "Well, most fanfiction is crap, but I strive to write good stuff. But I need god powers to do so. Fringe benefits, mostly."

"So, wait a minute," Yugi said, pointing at The Helldragon. "You're a god?"

"A fanfiction author."

"But you're like a god."

The Helldragon nodded. "Pretty much, yeah."

The vessel folded his arms, smiling. "You know an Ihachi?"

"Ihachi?" Yoh asked.

"We last saw her when we were doing thegymrat's fic "What Was, What Is, and What Shall Be'," Kai explained. "MEAN woman."

The Helldragon sighed. "Oh, God, YES! What a bitch! I mean, she plays a mean game of canasta, but she always killed a species whenever I lost a hand." He snorted humorously. "She got really pissed when I was kicking her ass in Soul Calibur II. Said she'd wipe out the human population." Now The Helldragon laughed in his deep timbre. "But they can do that by themselves!"

All at the scene laughed greatly, but soon, only The Helldragon was laughing when the others realized the connotations behind his words. "Hey!" Joey said. "I find dat racist!"

"Everybody's a little bit racist," Bakura reassured him.

"So, what are you doing here, exactly?" Matt asked. "I thought I'd see you at the Elks Club."

"I'm still going," The Helldragon replied. "I was kinda sidetracked tracking down that bitch Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third, but thankfully she was easy to care of. But mostly, I was sent here to fix things."

"What's wrong?"

"Soon," The Helldragon explained, "the Battle City 2 finals will begin, and you all will face great challenges as well as each other. Normally, I would have known exactly how, why, where, who, and what will happen, but the evil you face has introduced a new factor that throws off even my own readings."

"A new factor?" Mai gasped. "What is it?"

The Helldragon's brow descended in grim anger. "Lavos."

Kai pouted. "I'd scream like a girl, but I have no clue who that is."

"Remember Frog?" Morty asked the taller boy.

"Yeah."

"He and Lavos are from the video game Chrono Trigger. Lavos is the ultimate evil who made the planet in order to grow stronger from it."

"Oh." Kai paused. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"I'm afraid that Lavos was quite difficult for the heroes of that game," The Helldragon said. "None of you could stand a chance against it, even if the beast was willing to duel you than smash you into a bloody pulp outright."

"What about me?" Matt snapped. "I'm an elemental! And I've blown that shellfish a new asshole every time I fought him in the video game!"

"And I like to think I'm pretty strong," Yoh said. He looked to Morty and Amidamaru. "Right?"

"I'm not involved here," the spirit merely said.

The Helldragon shook his massive horned skull. "I know of your strength. But still, even together, despite your video gaming skills, you do not possess the power to defeat it. I would imagine you need two other powerful swordsmen in order to increase the odds of winning into a desirable amount." A faint smile crossed his lips. "Fortunately, I know the perfect candidates."

"Who?" Tristan asked.

The Helldragon's smile grew wider. "Oh, Frog!"

Triumphant music played in the background as, from the tallest skyscraper, a figure leapt down to meet them. He moved quite fast, and only when he had safely landed did they notice his amphibian nature and gleaming longsword. "Yes, my lord?"

"Frog!" Kai said. "What're you doing here?"

Frog croaked happily. "I am under the service of The Majestic Helldragon, Kai. And now, I hath sworn my aid to him, and aid thee in the ensuing battle with the fiend Lavos."

"What the hell?!" Matt shouted in joy. "Frog!" Giddy, he leaped over and shook Frog's gauntleted hand roughly. "Oh my God, I've always wanted to meet you!"

"Meet a frog?" Mai asked, arching a golden eyebrow. "Are you crazy?"

"My guise dost not incur thy trust…" Frog pouted.

"Oh, no!" Matt said. "Frog's one of the coolest characters in Chrono Trigger, and one of the best! If The Helldragon got him to help us take down Lavos, then we're gonna kick that faggot's ass for sure!"

"In dat case," Joey said, striding over to the short warrior, "I'm Joey. Dese are my friends Yugi, Tristan, Mai, Bakura, and Matt."

Frog croaked again. "I am honored to meet thee."

The Helldragon sighed in relief. "I knew you would get along."

"So," Bakura asked, "what's this Lavos like?"

Frog's green features darkened. "A great and terrible creature of destruction. In the ancient past, it burrowed under the earth to advance the human race, pilfering their collective knowledge and power for itself. When my friends and I finally challenged the beast, it had stored the entire archive of existence into its memory…it took every effort I possessed to vanquish it. If Lavos hath truly returned…" His yellow eyes closed. "Then I fear for us all."

"No way!" Yugi declared. "We're going to beat this thing!"

"If we stand together, Lavos will not succeed!" Yami added, clenching a fist.

"I'm with ya, Yuge!" Joey said.

"Me too!" chimed Tristan and Bakura.

"Same here, hon," was Mai's sultry remark.

"I'll do my best and help!" Kai swore.

"Me and Amidamaru won't ever give up!" Yoh promised.

"We will win!" Amidamaru said, determined.

"I'll support you all the way!" Morty announced.

"The elemental's on the LOOSE!" Matt shouted.

"Pathetic," a new voice drawled.

In shock, all present looked behind them. Standing in the middle of the empty street was a tall man dressed completely in black, his ebony trenchcoat capped by silver shoulder pads. The only thing longer than his flowing white hair was the length katana folded under his armpit, nestled between an easy fold of arms. The Helldragon smiled. "Ah. Just who I was looking for. Boys and girls, meet Sephiroth, the second of your two warriors."

"Sephiroth!" Amidamaru gasped. "You're here, too?!"

The former Shinra general snorted. "Unfortunately. I didn't want to help you at first, but then The Helldragon told me that this Lavos thing might blow up the entire world if I don't help. And since I'm a big fan of staying alive, I'm here."

"That, and I offered him fifty Knights of the Round materias," The Helldragon said.

"But how can you do that?" Tristan asked.

"Fanfiction author, remember?"

"So," Kai said, looking at Frog, "can you two stop fighting long enough to help us?"

"Indeed," answered the stout swordsman. "After our battle, Sephiroth and I traversed toward yonder Starbucks, and discussed our respective pasts."

"I gotta admit, he's got a point about his tragic past thing," Sephiroth acknowledged. "Plus, I needed a sidekick anyway."

"What?"

"And now, we are a fierce combo known as…" Here Sephiroth and Frog entered an elaborate series of poses, finally deciding on standing back-to-back with their arms crossed. "The Dynamic Duo!"

Morty scratched his tiny scalp. "Um, I think that's already taken."

"Besides," Yoh said, "it's not two people anymore. Me and Matt are joining."

"That's right!" Matt said. "So it can't be the Dynamic Duo. It's gotta be…" Here all four members shifted through various poses before landing in their own goofy positions. "The Fantastic Four!"

"That's also taken," Morty said.

"I have to be in the group, too!" Amidamaru protested. "So it can't be the Fantastic Four. It's gotta be…" Here Amidamaru and the other four members contorted until they found a desirable posture. "The Slaughterhouse Five!"

"That's taken, too!" Morty snapped.

"I wanna be in da group!" Joey shouted, leaping over to the five. "So it can't be the Slaughterhouse Five. It's gotta be…" Once more, the group exchanged idiotic poses until settling on a new design. "The Sinister Six!"

"You're stealing those from the comic books!" Morty yelled.

"If Joey joins, I get to join!" Tristan said. "So it can't be the Sinister Six. It's gotta be…" Yet again, the party traded various sets of positions before settling on a hip group shot. "The Magnificent Seven!"

"STOP THAT!" The Helldragon snapped. "No one gives a damn if you're seven or four or even forty two! You're here to defeat Lavos, not make some gay boy band!"

"Isn't that how boy bands work?" Mai asked.

A shrug. "I don't know."

"I thought you were a god!"

"I'm a fanfiction author, dammit! I know nothing of boy bands and their ilk!"

"So," Yugi asked, "where can we find this Lavos?"

The Helldragon scratched his pointed chin. "Hmmmm. Well, you can either find it at the tournament..."

"Or maybe right behind you?" a thick accent asked.

"Exactly!" The Helldragon paled. "Oh, crap."

The world suddenly shifted, mixing into a blue-white shimmering oasis. But this light wass not without its malevolence, for, as all noticed when they turned about, they saw the true force behind its brilliance. Hovering slightly above The Helldragon's level, cast in a multitude of spikes and rocky armor plating and fronted by a massive triple-jawed beak, the new creature carved a hole in their hearts with just its precense, leaving its darkness to fill it once again-not with Cool Whip, but with evilness. And standing atop the monster's shell was a thin man garbed in straight green armywear, bearing a swastika on his armband and a thick black mustache.

"By Ra!" Yami spat. "What is that fiend?"

"That is Lavos!" The Helldragon said.

"Not the shellfish!" the Pharaoh said. "That ugly, weird man!"

The man's eyebrow raised in anger. "How dare you call the new ruler of the world ugly! This will be the face you will learn to worship!" He smiled a distasteful grin, complete with missing teeth.

"Thankfully, I'm agnostic," Matt said.

The man laughed. "Always a comment from the elemental. Your power will not be enough to save you, Matt Willard. I will succeed in the end!"

Matt's eyes widened. "How did you know my name? I don't have a nametag on, do I?"

The man smiled again. "You fool!" He reached a hairy hand into his shirt, producing a heavy golden amulet from within. "My Millennium Amulet allows me EVERY power of the other thirteen items, plus a few extras for good measure!"

"A Millenium Item!" Bakura exclaimed. "But who are you!"

"Me?" The man cackled his most loudest, insidious laugh ever heard. "You should remember me from history class! I am the man who attempted to conquer Europe!"

"Napolean?" Kai asked.

"Do I look French to you?"

"Okay…Julius Caesar?"

"Did he even try to conquer Europe?" Morty asked.

Kai shrugged. "I don't know. I only know as much history as the author of this fic."

"Hey!" The Helldragon snapped, pointing a claw at Kai. "I AM the author of this fic!"

"So do YOU know if Caesar tried to control Europe?"

"No! What makes you think I know? I may be a four-thousand year old dragon, but I didn't pay attention in history class!"

"OH, NEVER MIND!" the man screamed, startling all. "I'll just tell you!" With a great flair, he curled the end of his short mustache. "I am the man known as…Adolf Hitler!"

"NO WAY!" Tristan shouted. "You're the Jew-killing freak?! But you're dead!"

"So it would seem!" Hitler replied. "But thanks to the Metaphysical Application of Quantum Universal Positioning Theory, I have been returned to the land of the living!"

"The WHA?" Joey asked. "Clarifize dat for me, Helldragon!"

"It means that if there's some illogical method for bringing him back to life, it just might work!" the massive reptile explained.

Hitler laughed. "Exactly! Because of this law, I have now returned to life! But when I came back, I found the Millenium Amulet around my neck, and with it, I was able to pull the ultimate creature of destruction from its home in the video gaming world!" He gestured madly at the shellfish of doom below his boots. "And now, with Lavos under my control, I will take over this puny world! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

But the Millennium Amulet suddenly glowed, and it was in retaliation to Yugi's Millennium Puzzle. The boy fixed Hitler with a clear, determined gaze. "I don't think so, Hitler! As long as me and my friends oppose you, you will never succeed!"

"Ah…Yugi Moto, is it?" Hitler smirked, twiddling his mustache. "Hmmm. You may oppose me, but I will win in the end! Still…the Battle City 2 finals approach…and your dueling skills intrigue me…" He spread his arms apart. "Very well! The fate of the world depends on the results of the Battle City 2 finals! If you win, then we'll pretend none of this actually happened. But if I win, then the world will be cast into an oppressive future, with Manhattan Island as my master prison and the rise of SkyNET!"

"So, in the future, you won, made SkyNET, and sent that android back in time to kill me!" Kai shouted. "You meanie!"

"That's not all!" Hitler said. "I also sent Hart to this era in order for Matt to use him for evil! I also summoned Yami Celebi to challenge Joey, Szarbarus to control Tea, and a whole lot of other bad stuff that's been happening to you all! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"What about Fantastic Four-Eyes?" Matt asked.

"What about him?"

All nodded.

"All right then!" The Helldragon declared. "This'll all be settled at the finals! And while I can't directly interfere (damn union rules) I'll help you all gain a fighting chance." He snapped his talons. "You duelists will discover powerful new cards to add to your decks soon. Also, my magic will protect you from any efforts made by Lavos outside of the dueling ring to destroy you."

"What about me?" Yoh asked.

The Helldragon snorted. "You can dismantle a city block. You don't need anything."

"Cast any spell or give any card or fix any game you like!" Hitler said. "I will win, and you will lose! And Germany will rule the world! MUWAHAHAHAHA!" Immediately, the world was returned to normal, all traces of Lavos' precense gone, including the head honcho behind it.

For a long time, nothing was said. Then, Mai released a loud sigh of relief. "Well! That was fun!"

"It looks like we have our work cut out for us," Yami said. He looked to his pupil. "You think we can do it?"

"Yeah," Yugi said.

A long pause followed.

Then, The Helldragon shouted, "DANCE TIME!"

And it was so.

* * *

I wholesomely apologize to the gymrat for my absolutely pathetic reference to his wonderful story.

Now, what's wrong with this chapter?

A. The Helldragon just popped up in his own fic.  
B. The Helldragon had access to a limitless variety of powerful abilities.  
C. Julius Caesar actually tried to expand the Roman Empire by attempting to conquer such areas as Great Britian and the Mediterranean.

If you guessed C...I think you're right. I'm not really sure.

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we get the gist of it all through Chapter Twenty: The Summary Of All Evil. 


	21. The Summary Of All Evil

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: I would have updated sooner, but other business forced me to do otherwise. But don't worry. The update's a good one, so enjoy!

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

Chapter Twenty: The Summary Of All Evil

And then Yugi and his friends fought through Hitler's evil trials, beat him, and won the game. The End.

Wait…I'm missing something, aren't I?

Oh, yeah!

_The wise author does not offer a mere summary of events to his reader._

Oh…oops.

* * *

The Helldragon: Uh...not exactly a good conclusion, is it?

(Everyone gives The Helldragon a very crude look.)

The Helldragon: I'll take that as a yes. Well, it IS Fanfiction For Dummies-

(Suddenly, a bolt of force hits The Helldragon, originating from a man dressed in dark robes and a hood. He lowers his hood, revealing blood red slits for eyes.)

Voldemort: YES! Finally, that moron of fanfiction is disposed! Now I, Voldemort, rule ! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Helldragon: NOT SO FAST, BI-OTCH!

(The Helldragon roasts Voldemort for 30 minutes, set to 350 degrees.)

The Helldragon: Mmmmm. Dark lord. (slobbers)

Now, what's wrong with this chapter?

A. (crude look)  
B. (angry look)  
C. (a mix of the two)

Uh...never mind.

But don't worry, heroes! The first half of Fanfiction For Dummies is officially over, so grab your #2 pencils, 'cause it's test time once again! Be sure to study Chapters Eleven through Twenty, get a good night's sleep, and eat a good breakfast, BECUASE I'M GOIN' TA FUCK-START YOUR HEAD IF YOU FAIL!

"Boys...welcome to Flavor Country."-Some General Hardass from The Simpsons 


	22. Midterm Exam Two

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: Oh ho ho! All I can say is that one should never turn one's back upon a possible adversary. Why? Because, as some of you may know, Hurricane Ivan recently stormed through Florida, and my cave was in the way. WE GOT RAPED. Pure and simple. But now, I'll be writing more each day like I SHOULD!

WAY-HAY HAY back, I promised a second midterm exam. At long last, I present it to you now! Enjoy somewhat!

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

MIDTERM EXAM TWO  
You've just read about more bad elements of fanfiction, so hopefully, you still remember them. This midterm exam covers events illustrated in Chapters Eleven through Twenty. For each question, choose the answer that best solves the problem presented.

1. What is Necropotus's battle strategy?  
A. A steady stream of direct damage.  
B. A steady stream of profanity.  
C. Both AND the kitchen sink.

2. When did the man enter the overpriced inn?  
A. After he climbed the tallest mountain to find the quietest cricket in a field.  
B. After he began charging a lot for rice.  
C. After Amidamaru got his magical ring of rockslides.

3. How many Life Points did Seto Kaiba have in his duel with the Girl Scout?  
A. 15,964.  
B. 15,965.  
C. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop?

4. State a theorem illustrating the angst-riddled lives of Frog and Sephiroth.  
A. Frog's tragic loss is inversely proportional to the maniacal aspirations of Sephiroth.  
B. The square root of Frog's angst times five is equivalent to the hypotenuse of Sephiroth plus the remainder.  
C. Sephiroth did it in the library with the candlestick because Professor Plum delcared his sword a safety hazard and removed it from the board.

5. What price did Matt pay in order to win the Millennium Scheiss?  
A. 19.95 plus shipping and handling.  
B. BLOOD!  
C. MITTENS!

6. Choose the correct Duffman quote.  
A. "Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem!"  
B. "But, what about my children-Duffgirl and Dufflad?"  
C. "Duffman can't breathe! OH, NO!"

7. What is the title of the book Hart used to hypnotize Matt's friends?  
A. "The King and King"  
B. "The King and I"  
C. "King Me: My Sexual Encounters With Checkers"

8. What fact could be accurately taken from the appearance of Amanda Sephiroth Snape…the chick?  
A. She can look forward to about eight copyright infringement trials.  
B. The Helldragon's desperate.  
C. Shadow Man is a tricky foe and must be approached carefully.

9. Why is the Helldragon in his own fic?  
A. Lavos and Hitler's in it, so why not?  
B. The Helldragon's REALLY desperate.  
C. It's HIS fic, GOD DAMMIT!

10. Choose the best truth that can be taken from a summarization.  
A. There's a little summary in all of us.  
B. My cat smells like cat food.  
C. I see your Schwartz is as big as mine!

I'll let you grade it. I gotta pick up some more crap Hurricane Ivan tossed about…

#1-The answer is B. Got that, jackass?  
#2-The answer is C. See, if you were smart enough to listen to all of the story, you would have got this one.  
#3-The answer is A. Correct math helps in the fight against absurd cookie prices.  
#4-The answer is C. Professor Plum is a pacifist nerd.  
#5-The answer is A. It was worth every penny.  
#6-The answer is A. Duffman was thrusting at Hurricane Ivan, the BITCH!  
#7-The answer is NOT C, if that's what you're wondering.  
#8-The answer is B. But you knew that already.  
#9-The answer is B. No big surprise.  
#10-The answer is…well…ah, hell. I'll let you have this one.

**Scoring:**  
**10 Correct:** Wow. And here I thought you didn't actually give a damn. Not giving a damn would actually seem normal, you know. You don't want to be one of those weirdos like I am. But then again, if you're on , how normal can you be?  
**9-7 Correct:** You've studied well, young one! Now all you need to do to attain the highest level of knowledge is go back to your quiz and change the answers, for, he who does not seize the opportunity will be known as a dick forevermore.  
**6-4 Correct:** Welcome to mediocrity! Now you can be accurately labelled as a product of the American education system and you have no one to blame but yourself.  
**3-1 Correct:** Now, I told you that I was gonna fuck-start your head if you failed this quiz. But since I'm not a sexual pervert, stand over there so I can poke you with this stick for an hour.  
**0 Correct:** You must be a dumbass if you missed the question I gave you credit for anyway.

So what now? Well, don't think that the adventure's over yet! Yugi and the gang approaches the Battle City Two finals, but what stupidity will they encounter on the way? The next half of this fic will review all of the major concepts we've learned so far, prepping you for the dreaded FINAL EXAM! A pineapple up Hitler's ass awaits thee, pupil, next time on YU-GI-OH FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES! 


	23. We Meet Again For The First Time For The...

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: I've been writing stuff since Ivan the Bastard struck my good state, so that means I'm ahead of schedule at least for a little bit! Might as well exploit natural disasters for profit...

* * *

**YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!**

By The Helldragon

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE: We Meet Again For The First Time For The Last Time!

It was the next day of whatever day it was yesterday. The entire group-at last check, it consisted of Yugi Moto, Tea Gardner, Tristan Taylor, Joey Wheeler, Matt Willard, Mai Valentine, Ryou Bakura, Kai Kaethen, Yoh Asikura, and those single-named people like Yami, Morty, Amidamaru, Frog, and Sephiroth (whose first name was Safer, but he went with his last name for that reason)-sat around a very large round table in a well-to-do restaurant. They were gathering their strength for the looming Battle City Two finals three days away.

This meant excessive gorging. For the first twenty minutes, the company ravaged their dishes, and it was only when seconds were coming around did Yugi finally speak to his friends. "We have a big job ahead, guys."

"Dat's right!" Joey said, his words muffled by a tremendous bite of hamburger. "We gotta kick Hitler and Lavos!"

"It won't be easy," Sephiroth said. The ShinRa general calmly took a sip from his cup of sake. "Hitler has the most powerful Millennium Item of all, and Lavos was bred to be a total engine of destruction."

Frog nodded. "'Tis true. Lavos shalt absorb the best traits from every species on thy planet, further increasing its might. If we are to defeat it, we must work together."

"Well, it's good that I'm here, then," Matt beamed in the midst of his pizza. "My elemental powers will do wonders in wasting Lavos's pointy ass."

Kai's fork jabbed at his tortellini. "Do you think that'll be enough? I mean, we have Sephiroth, Frog, Matt-"

"Don't forget Yoh and Amidamaru!" Morty chimed in.

"-and Yoh and Amidamaru," Kai continued. "But come on! Lavos is HUGE! How are we going to destroy it?"

Tristan left his cheeseburger to ponder Kai's words. "Well…The Helldragon said his power would protect us from Lavos outside of the dueling ring. Maybe we gotta duel him as well?"

"How do you duel a giant shellfish, genius?" Tea snapped, smacking Tristan.

"HEY! That's my job!" Matt said, also smacking Tristan.

"We're not going to DUEL Lavos," Ryou interrupted, whose dish was clear and did not order again. "Think about it. We're obviously involved in a freakishly weird scenario, right?"

"When are we not?" Yami asked.

"Maybe," Ryou theorized, "our warriors can attack Lavos while the duelists can support them by casting magic and summoning monsters! Sorta like a Shadow Game, but not as dark!"

Amidamaru rose from a pull of Sierra Mist. "He has a point. We'll have to use every possible advantage and some we haven't even thought of, so why not cards?"

"And," Yugi added, "The Helldragon promised us new and powerful cards for our decks."

"Really?" Mai said. She produced her deck after wiping her delicate hands. "Let's see what we got."

All other duelists followed suit, and soon, they were discovering unique additions. Matt produced a card proudly. "OOH! I got Particle-Accelerator Cannon!"

"I got Hidden Power!" said Yugi.

"I got a rock!" said Joey, holding up a rock.

Kai looked at his new cards, and then to Matt. "I hope we duel each other in the finals, Matt. I want to see what kind of strategy you can serve up."

"Yeah, I've been looking for an excuse to waste your ass," the elemental replied. "I'm waiting for it."

Yugi smiled. "Well, that settles it!" He stood before the group. "Three days from now, we'll all fight together, and Hitler will be defeated!"

"SHOW 'EM MY MOT-TO!" Tristan declared.

All present threw their fists toward the center of the table. "All for one, and everyone for himself!"

Yoh frowned. "But gee, who pays the bill?"

**

(Some time later...)

**

Seto Kaiba scoffed. "When the hell did I order a three hundred dollar dinner?!"

* * *

Particle-Accelerator Cannon and Hidden Power are some of my own cards. As you can expect, they are freakishly overbalanced. Sorta.

Now, what's wrong with this chapter?

A. It is clearly an inprobable situation for all of these characters to be gathered together at one place.  
B. Seto Kaiba got stuck with the bill when he wasn't even there.  
C. HA HA! KAIBA GOT STUCK WITH THE BILL!

If you guessed C, you're right! Kaiba's got enough dough, so let's help him spend it a little!

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we go in search of Chapter Twenty-Two: Crappy West Side Story. 


End file.
